Tuesday, November 5, 2013
I’m really not too psyched about going to visit Sweety’s mother and couldn’t quite put my finger on why. But I had an epiphany today and I’ll share it with you even though it makes me sound like a total turd.
Sweety mentioned taking Bean to see her Grandmother during her “formative years” so she has memories of going to Grandma’s house. The boys went every year or so when they were small and they still talk about their trips. I’m pissed off that she won’t be making memories with my mom. My mom was awesome and Bean will never really know. That makes me so angry and sad. And guilty that I feel this way.
This was in June of 2012 when we all went to stay in a cabin in Oklahoma. Mom had a hold of Bean all of the time and Bean loved it.
My Mom is the whole reason that I’m able to stay at home. A few months before she died we were talking on the phone on my way from work. I said if I found a sack full of money that I’d quit my job and stay home. That the bag of money would need to have at least x amount in it to pay my debts and get a little nest egg. We’re talking some more and I change my mind to a smaller amount. If I had that amount it would pay off my debt and I could quit.
When we were going through paperwork and whatnot, it looked like I was going to be getting from her insurance policy EXACTLY the smaller amount I’d mentioned. I was telling Sweety it was a sign but felt like maybe I should keep working for awhile to get other things paid for. Turned out that Mom had another policy and that policy plus the life insurance totaled the EXACT amount of the larger number I’d told her months before. When we realized that, we decided that yeah, highly unlikely I’d continue working. (I did go back to work because we thought “wouldn’t it be nice to get the house paid off?” but I just couldn’t do it anymore. My empathy for customers was gone. And maybe I was feeling a little crazy.)
So we got all caught up on everything and I took the last of it and went on the trip through Europe with my sister and niece. I’m glad we did it. It felt like Mom was there with us sometime. My Mom used to tell me that when she was gone that my sister and I would be glad to have each other because we will know the other knows Mom the way that I do. She’s right. I know my sister and I might not see eye to eye on everything. I love her though and I’m glad to have someone who can remember Mom in the same way that I can.
I was trying to calm down to take a nap today and swore that I could hear Mom. Now I know this isn’t logical but decided to hell with logic. If my mind can manufacture me getting to talk to her just for a few moments then I’ll take it. I still miss her so much.