I’m innocently playing on the computer when I realize the niece is curled up into the fetal position on the floor beside me while whisper screaming “don’t hurt me!” as she rolls around with her hand over her ears.

What are you doing?

It’s called The Armadillo. I’m practicing.

Practicing for what?

If someone starts to attack you, you drop to the ground and do this.

*insert niece repeating The Armadillo*

Oh, no. If someone really attacks you – you need to punch them in the head or something. Don’t roll around while they kick you.

Aunt Anna, I can’t do that. It hurts my heart when I hurt someone else. Even if they’re being mean.

Tell you what, kid. If you’re ever attacked…fight back…escape…let your heart hurt and I’ll pay for your therapy to fix it later.

*insert niece flopping back on the floor to practice The Armadillo*

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I’ll read/reply to previous post comments later when I’m at a computer that’s not in the boonies. My Mom’s internet connections won’t open the comments page to even read them.

speak up!

My Mom has taken all the kids to the movie (Yes, movie. Only one screen. Karate Kid is playing. I’m boycotting it.) and Sweety is being super nice and mowing her lawn. I am supervising my hair brother (aka Mom’s spoiled chihuahua) from the safety of the house while my mind spins in circles.

This happens every year – about midway through our vacation I start to worry about work. That maybe I did something wrong and when I get back to work I’ll discover that I’ve been fired. WHY DO I DO THIS?

Is it because this is the only time of year that I don’t eat Xanax four times a week? Am I detoxing from that shit and extreme paranoia is a side effect? Gah. You know what? I don’t even have caffeine at work anymore because I don’t want to be alert when I’m there. I eat my little pill on the way to work and sleep with my eyes open all day long. And if something freaks me out during the day? Well, maybe I’ll take a bathroom break and chew one of those little blue bitches up on my way off the floor.

I’m already planning on going into work on my own time the day before I’m scheduled back to clear out email and anything that’s been left on my desk. This will also give me the chance to make sure all my passwords work so I’ll know I’m still employed.

speak up!

We are at my Mom’s house in the Middle Of Nowhere, Oklahoma. We stayed our first few nights in a cabin at a park nearby and the rest of the time we’ll be here. It’s nice not having to be anywhere.

My Mom has chickens. Chickens that will eat anything, including meat. That is just creepy. When we go outside, I’m always watching to see if the chickens are loose and do I need to run. I warned Mom that she better watch out – she may go out there to sprinkle corn on the ground and they might rush her just to knock her to the ground and eat her alive.

After Sweety and the boys go home next Monday, my niece is going to stay with me an extra week while I run around Texas visiting friends. Yay! I’ll take her home on Friday and I’ll get to see her compete in a swim meet on Saturday. I haven’t seen her swim yet and I’m excited to see that.

And my nieces and nephews will finally all get to meet! Normally, I see Sylvie for a week and then visit my niece and nephew in TX the next week after I’ve dropped her off. They’ve always been curious about each other so that will be cool too.

Well, hell. Sweety is giving me grief about falling off my diet and eating Mexican food today and I told him earlier that I’d go for a fucking walk. It’s hot out there, people. I don’t want to go. But if I don’t, he’s going to walk around chanting “loser”. Better go find my sneakers.

speak up!

Right now I’m laid up in my niece’s bed while she and the boys play video games. This is awesome.

We left the house around 4 p.m. on Tuesday and got to Mobile, Alabama at around 11 p.m. It turned out the Howard Johnson in Mobile, AL was NOT what I’d expected. It is now called the Emerald Palms and was a rattrap. I didn’t see any rats there but they may have been cleverly concealed in the filthy carpet.

After I checked in, a couple followed me out the lobby to my car and the guy was saying something. My instinct was to tell him to get away from me but I was afraid he’d follow us to our room and kill us. Or something. So I deciphered his mumblings and told him that I would rather not take the cash he wanted to give me and go buy him a cigar. I have no idea why he was looking for someone to complete this task because he was clearly old enough to buy tobacco.

As we were getting our stuff out of the car, LB was being an ass dawdling because it was pissing off BB. BB said something to him about hurrying up and he visibly slowed while getting his things. I told him it would be nice if he’d hurry up before BB and I were stabbed to death in front of him by Cigar Man and he got the hell out of the car before I took another breath.

This was the first hotel that I’ve ever stayed in that I felt the need to move large furniture against the hotel door. If I hadn’t been so tired, had a lick of sense and it hadn’t been so late – I’d have taken the boys elsewhere for the few hours sleep we were going to get. And of course, the free full breakfast was not so. It was a couple of plastic bins of cereal that was being guarded by a surly hotel worker as she wiped down the counter. We went to Burger King for breakfast instead.

The boys and I decided that we’re going to hit New Orleans next year as our halfway point on our way to Oklahoma and we will be sure to stay somewhere pleasant.

speak up!

Saturday night we met Dayle ’s family at a big bowling alley/playzone type place. It was super nice to get out of the house for awhile and visit with them. I think if Sweety and I had sat in the living room, watching each other, for much longer that we’d have started sparring. A little cabin fevery up in here.

So, the coaew was bitching about when we leave to go on vacation. (I’d planned on leaving on tonight after work and she wanted me to wait til Wednesday) As a bit of extra Chickiemeanness, I’m leaving midday today. If she’d have kept her yap shut, I’d have waited til tonight but got to thinking of HOW can I fuck her day up more and make it work for me? Oh, I know! I’ll take a half day of vacation on Tuesday and let the boys know that we will leave on our trip as soon as they get to our house. I’m evil like that.

And by leaving a half day earlier, the boys and I are able to stop and do the fun things they want to do on our way to Oklahoma AND I’m able to pick up my niece so she can spend the week with us. I have to get to Oklahoma with a couple of stops to pick up my niece and then go to Texas and pick up Sweety when he flies in on Friday. If we left Tuesday night or Wednesday morning, we’d hurry through and get to my niece’s house without any fun stuff.

I have decided that BB will not be driving on any of the trip. I know he’s a good driver (sayeth Sweety) but my nerves just can’t handle it. It will be less stressful for me to do all the driving. Maybe next year.

22 DAYS! I’m off for the next 22 days! Wootie woot!

speak up!

Does anyone ever truly forget to eat on a daily basis? Do you?

I can get it if it’s a super busy day but every day? I hear people say this and roll my eyes on the inside. Do they want me to think that they are far too superior to worry about something as mundane as eating?

I bet they never poop either.

speak up!