Brain Dump


Holy crap. It’s been 2 months since I wrote that last post.

I finally called the lawyer day before yesterday. Someone in OK told me that it looked like Mom’s house was empty and was starting to get rundown. I saw photos of the place and yes, it definitely looks uninhabited. Coincidentally, the day after I call OK to snoop around, Lintball showed up at the house and dropped a trailer off, mowed the lawn, pulled up falling down fences and left the lights on in the house before leaving. My fervent wish is that this piece of shit isn’t a big enough dumbass to try and lie and say that he still lives there. I don’t feel like exerting the energy that I would be compelled to in that case. Our lawyer is contacting his to find out the status of probate and said that I should know something within a week. If his lawyer doesn’t respond within a week. We shall see. What we’d like to happen is my sister or I or both of us together buy out Lintball and fix the house up. I’d rather fix it up and give it to someone than let it sit there and fall down. It embarrasses me that the neighbors Mom had for over 30 years are having to look at an eyesore.

The elephant in the room that hit us in July of 2012? Still here. In a nutshell, Sweety remembered some really fucked up shit that happened to him as a kid. He’s still remembering bits and pieces. The therapist said that he finally remembered it because he was at such a good place in life. Nice family life. New baby. Things are going great! Brain said, “Hey, I think you have the support you need to know about this now!”. Isn’t that finer than hair on a frog’s ass?

We spent over a year never sleeping in the same room because he was so hot when he sleeps that the air conditioner in there was cranked down to frozen. Apparently that’s a symptom of shock. Your body doesn’t rest when you sleep. We’ve decided it’s okay to just sleep where ever we feel like now. The sleep-talking that he’s had the past couple of years that has been really crazy? A sort of split-personality thing. Since he spends all day long trying to not think about what his mind is remembering, it comes out when he’s tired. He’s always been a sleep-talker but this has been some new shit. Not just funny stuff. Stuff that freaks me the fuck out. Sometimes he will spend hours talking and then I’ll get up and eat a cake at 4 a.m. to soothe myself. Sometimes it’s like living in a tornado here. And sometimes it’s so normal here that it surprises the shit out of me when it’s suddenly not normal.

Sweety has asked me why on earth I stay with him. I told him that our marriage was really awesome all of the time for 11 years so I know we can get back to it. It’s already better here than it was even a year ago. To keep his mind from dwelling on shit, he has taken to doing mundane things. Like pulling up all of the grass in the backyard by fucking hand to prepare it for sod. I told him that I was sure there was some sort of tool that would be helpful but he said he liked doing it by hand because his mind was blank while he pulled. I am pissed the fuck off that someone did shit so awful to him that it’s scrambling his brain at 45 years old.

Today is the 13th anniversary of when Sweety and I went on our first date. It’s been one hell of a ride but I’m glad to be on it.


Fiery Keyboard Vomit


Have you ever felt like you had to do something even though it was something that doesn’t mean shit in the grand scheme of things?

This weekend will be the third or fourth weekend where I’ve told myself that I’ll send the lawyer’s office in Oklahoma an email asking about the status of probate on Mom’s non-existent estate. For some reason, the act of actually sitting down and typing the letter makes me want to puke. Just typing out those last couple of sentences made my stomach flop.

I spoke with them in September and asked what all did Lintball’s lawyer say was found during the discovery phase and she said they listed next to nothing. Not her 401k or the tiny bit of debt that she had. Sister and I know that we won’t get anything from the 401k but I feel like if you’re supposed to list it during probate then list it. And our lawyer said that Lintball denied any creditor’s request to be paid. Really, dude?

At this point I don’t know if probate is over and Lintball got off without having to pay anything. I just want to know what’s going on and my fucking lawyer’s legal aid isn’t returning my calls or emails. I’m really going to send her an email this weekend and mention that I happen to have the lawyer’s cell phone number and the only reason that I haven’t been ringing the shit out of it is because I thought it might be rude but I’m at the point that I don’t care.

Lintball is getting married. Moved his woman into his house a few months ago. Bought her a car. In an interesting bit of irony, the wedding date is Sweety’s birthday. There’s no way that Lintball knew that. I find it funny that’s the day given that we found out that Lintball spent years making fun of Sweety behind his back.

Oh! We can’t ask Lintball to leave the house even though we own 2/3 of it because he basically has squatter’s rights since it’s been his homestead. Guess what happens when he gets remarried? The house is the new wife’s homestead and she can’t be asked to leave even if he dies.

Ever heard of astral projection? I spent an embarrassing amount of time trying to do it. I thought maybe I could flit to Oklahoma in my sleep and set the place on fire. Yes, I know how fucked up this sounds.

Okay. Maybe now that I’ve gotten this bile out of my system I can come back tomorrow and talk to you about asshole Oliver and other pleasant things.


Bean Scissorhands


This morning while we were all still cozy in bed, Sweety and Bean scratched my back for me. It was nice.

Sweety left and as I had my faced all soaped up over the sink, I heard Bean say, “Gonna scratch your back, Mama!” I thought that was so sweet. Until it felt like I was being clawed open. She was cackling maniacally as I tried to scoot away while staying close enough to the sink to rinse my face.

She had snatched these out of a drawer while I wasn’t looking. The soundtrack to this photo is Bean wailing, “My scratchers! I need my scratchers!”

Related: Bean learned how to scream, “What the hell?!” this morning.

Oh, hey! Since I’ve been here last? The Bean has potty-trained! Day and night! Panties for all! Yay! And she’s started giving herself the preliminary ass wipe along with a courtesy flush before I come in to tidy her up. She can be polite when the mood hits her.


Missing My Mom


I’m really not too psyched about going to visit Sweety’s mother and couldn’t quite put my finger on why. But I had an epiphany today and I’ll share it with you even though it makes me sound like a total turd.

Sweety mentioned taking Bean to see her Grandmother during her “formative years” so she has memories of going to Grandma’s house. The boys went every year or so when they were small and they still talk about their trips. I’m pissed off that she won’t be making memories with my mom. My mom was awesome and Bean will never really know. That makes me so angry and sad. And guilty that I feel this way.

This was in June of 2012 when we all went to stay in a cabin in Oklahoma. Mom had a hold of Bean all of the time and Bean loved it.

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My Mom is the whole reason that I’m able to stay at home. A few months before she died we were talking on the phone on my way from work. I said if I found a sack full of money that I’d quit my job and stay home. That the bag of money would need to have at least x amount in it to pay my debts and get a little nest egg. We’re talking some more and I change my mind to a smaller amount. If I had that amount it would pay off my debt and I could quit.

When we were going through paperwork and whatnot, it looked like I was going to be getting from her insurance policy EXACTLY the smaller amount I’d mentioned. I was telling Sweety it was a sign but felt like maybe I should keep working for awhile to get other things paid for. Turned out that Mom had another policy and that policy plus the life insurance totaled the EXACT amount of the larger number I’d told her months before. When we realized that, we decided that yeah, highly unlikely I’d continue working. (I did go back to work because we thought “wouldn’t it be nice to get the house paid off?” but I just couldn’t do it anymore. My empathy for customers was gone. And maybe I was feeling a little crazy.)

So we got all caught up on everything and I took the last of it and went on the trip through Europe with my sister and niece. I’m glad we did it. It felt like Mom was there with us sometime. My Mom used to tell me that when she was gone that my sister and I would be glad to have each other because we will know the other knows Mom the way that I do. She’s right. I know my sister and I might not see eye to eye on everything. I love her though and I’m glad to have someone who can remember Mom in the same way that I can.

I was trying to calm down to take a nap today and swore that I could hear Mom. Now I know this isn’t logical but decided to hell with logic. If my mind can manufacture me getting to talk to her just for a few moments then I’ll take it. I still miss her so much.