I’m somewhat of an overachiever.
If I’m going to have one drink I may as well have eight. The bottle says to take two pills? I’ll take four just to be sure that I’m getting the most out of them. If I’m doing a line, then I’ll drink some soda through the straw to make sure I’m getting it all. Ha, ha. Just kidding, Sweety. You know I didn’t do anything like that before I met you! One piece of cheese? How about three?
Maybe I’m a glutton instead of an overachiever? Anyway. Let’s pretend, people.
Look down at your right hand and pretend that it is nicely manicured. Shiny black polish with lovely holographic glitter on top. Hey! Look! On pointy finger and finger number three – the cuticle is a little rough! I know what! I have this acid that does a wonderful job of making rough hooves look like newborn baby feet! I will put it on my fingers to smooth my cuticles! Who cares that it says to not put it on broken skin or anywhere except on a callous? Warning smarning. Pfft.
Holy crap batman. The burning. The burning. And you can’t just rinse this shit off. You’ve gotta scrub it off. Scrub it off along with the flesh from the first knuckle down.
I can now see a bit of skeleton where the cuticle burned away. Soooo much more attractive than the rough bit of skin that it used to be!
I’m trying to keep the flies and ants away til it gets well.
You wanna know something really sick? As I was trying to scrub it off all I could think was, “Hmmm, wonder what would happen if I stuck my finger in my eye right now?” Why do I have these sorts of thoughts?
15 Comments, Comment or Ping
Oh, yeah. They burned so badly that I haikued about them at work.
Bloody cuticles.
Why did I treat them badly?
They are innocent.
Brilliance at it’s best, folks.
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October 23rd, 2008 10:25 pm
are you me? Cause really.. it’s exactly something I would do if I bothered to put forth the effort to paint my nails.
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October 23rd, 2008 10:39 pm
LMAO! You sound like me…dumb cuticle
First time commenting, though I do read your blog.Great work!
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October 23rd, 2008 11:06 pm
Secretly wondering what type of acid it was and the 1000′s of other “practical” household uses -like rust removal.
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October 24th, 2008 2:59 am
Wellllll the skeleton nub IS Halloween-y. Just think of it that way!
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October 24th, 2008 10:43 am
It’s funny, what you refer to as “over achiever” I would call “bat shit crazy.”
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October 24th, 2008 11:59 am
What’s a cuticle?
Being a girl must suck sometimes.
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October 24th, 2008 3:24 pm
I think I may have mentioned the word THERAPY before! I look at it this way – you’ve got ten fingers – what’s the loss of one…or two??!?! Egads!!
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October 24th, 2008 5:08 pm
*Would comment, but sorry…can’t stop laughing!*
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October 24th, 2008 5:25 pm
Some poor schmuck went to all the trouble of putting that warning on the bottle and you blow him off – hey, that’s his or her job!
For your next act get all your cleaning products together and pour them all into a bucket to invent a new and more powerful cleaner. Don’t forget to toss in some bleach!
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October 24th, 2008 7:55 pm
Hey, that is so great that you stopped by and that you know where my tiny town is located. Where does you sister live now? Thanks for the comment and have a great weekend. Who da thought it?
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October 24th, 2008 9:30 pm
Fidget – The only reason I painted them was to keep from biting them. It didn’t occur to me that I’d try chemical warfare.
Finding Pam – Stuff needs to be smooooth. The cuticles just don’t listen. Thanks for commenting! Come back :)
Rebturtle – I’ll bet it eats rust for breakfast.
Patti – True, true. Maybe I’ll burn them all up for Halloween.
Bekah – I’m not going to argue with that. I have no problem saying that I’m bat shit crazy. BSC, yo.
Moooooog35 – Yeah, every night.
Marie – I don’t
needwant therapy. I’m afraid I’d be bored afterwards.Here Today Gone Tomorrow – You make my fiery cuticle cry tiny, bloody tears.
Phos – I built my own cleaner – once. It made me light headed. But it did clean Stinky Dog really good.
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October 24th, 2008 11:29 pm
definitely think your brain could use some bleach!
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October 25th, 2008 12:16 am
After watching many programs with “real” doctors doing chemical peels on wrinkled, sun-damaged faces, I was hearing Salicic Acid over and over. HEY!!!! That’s the stuff they sell over the counter for wart removal. (insert evil grin here) That little brush in the bottle was obvisouly designed specifically for furrow marks on the brow.
In all honesty I was able to tell people when they would remark on the “burned” slash between my eyebrows, “Ahh, that, I’ve had a chemical peel.” That acid shit is GREAT for wrinkles AND ugly sun spots on face/arms/hands.
Hurt you say? Beauty is NOT painless! And like a bare knuckle showing on a bloody nub….. Those red burns on my face went away eventually, well until the next time Dr Kel felt the urge to make the wrinkle even smaller. : )~~~
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October 25th, 2008 8:59 am
Kelly – I’m going to pretend that I never saw your comment because I can really see myself doing an at-home chemical peel. I’d feel compelled to do my whole face though so the pink color covered it. Because if the whole face is burnt pink it won’t look as noticeable as spots.
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October 26th, 2008 4:43 pm
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