Have you ever had a moment with your kid where you had the opportunity to have a nice, this-could-be-important, kind of talk and just blew it? I think I did that today. Sometimes I stick my foot in my mouth am not so eloquent.
I told you all about LB shooting birds at his mother’s house. Well, today I brought it up.
He asked if he could play his Playstation game. (Call of Duty. It’s a soldier on a mission kind of game.) He’s been playing these kind of games forever and when I found out he was hunting – I almost got rid of them all because I feel like I contributed to him thinking it was okay to kill birds because I let him play games where he kills people. But Sweety wanted to keep the games. LB hadn’t asked to play them in forever so I figured he was done with them anyway.
I told him he couldn’t play the game and hoped he would forget about it. He didn’t. A couple of hours later he asked again if he could play it. I told him yes and followed him into our bedroom (where the game system is) and closed the door behind me.
Immediately he looked at me warily because that was odd behavior.
Look. I’m just going to ask you about this. I know you kill – hunt – birds at your mom’s house.
*he quit moving like a deer in a spotlight*
Do you do that a lot? Is it like a regular thing? Do you eat what you kill?
Yes, but not a lot.
Do you eat what you kill?
Yes.
Well, I found out about it a few weeks ago and it totally freaks me out that you think it’s okay to kill birds. I’m afraid that because I let you play these kind of games that that is why you think it’s okay to kill a bird.
Oh, no! It’s not that! (now that I think about it, the fact that his mother’s new husband is a big hunter with guns and taxidermied animals all over the place and he has the boys set up salt licks for deers – those things probably have a lot to do with it.)
And here is where my talk just veered off into gibberish and bribery…
So-what-can-i-do-so-you-won’t-want-to-kill-birds? (that was one breathless rush of words that ended in a squeak.)
At this point, I can tell that he is trying to just keep me calm. Like, this crazy bitch has just locked me in this room with her and is on the edge.
Nothing – you don’t need to do anything. I just won’t do it, okay? (this was said in a very calm, even voice. the kind of voice you’d use when trying to keep someone from jumping off of a building.)
I’m not telling you to not do it. (because god help me if he tells his mother that I told him to not hunt) I’m just saying I don’t think it’s nice. I mean, the bird…he leaves to find food for his family and then “boom!”. You blow his little body out of the sky. (here I pantomimed a little feathery bird. quite a feat.) He never comes home. His wife and kids worry and are sad, you know?
Yes, I know.
Okay. Play your game.
26 Comments, Comment or Ping
I don’t think you screwed it up. I think it’s important for kids to know you have a stand on issues like that.
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Chickie said:
April 8th, 2009 at 8:51 pm
I feel like I kind of fumbled through it and didn’t get too much to the “why” I feel like it’s bad. Or try to impress that on him. I mean, instead of explaining – I kind of tried to bribe him. When I asked “what can I do?” I meant “what can i say to change your mind or will it take cash?”
I think he got the gist of my feelings though.
I’m glad we had the talk.
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April 8th, 2009 8:44 pm
dude.
you didn’t botch that one nearly as bad as i have done some of the other ones. lol
he will think about it later.
and when sweety walks in you could say
“Oh I’m so glad your home and someone didn’t shoot you for food!”
; }
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Chickie said:
April 8th, 2009 at 8:52 pm
I’d had a nice “bird killing” speech prepared but it just left my head when I started talking.
Oh, I can’t wait to see Sweety’s face when I tell him I said something to LB about it. I know that he will be worried that it’ll get back to coaew and that she’ll give him crap for it.
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heather said:
April 8th, 2009 at 9:03 pm
maybe you could take him somewhere where he could see things hatch…lol
and your crap matters so much more than any she has… just saying : }
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Chickie said:
April 8th, 2009 at 10:27 pm
Yes, Sweety has come to terms with the fact that he now lives with my crap so it’s best to love it.
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April 8th, 2009 8:49 pm
I think you handled it well. You realize you will have no control when he is back at the COAEW’s house. Damn, I wish you had filmed your pantomime of being a feathery bird though!!
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Chickie said:
April 8th, 2009 at 10:30 pm
Oh, I know the no control. But maybe he will just not pursue it over there. Hopefully.
As I mimicked being a bird, I think that’s when he knew that I meant what I was saying.
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April 8th, 2009 9:27 pm
I think you handled it EXACTLY like I would have. And that’s a good thing. I really like Heather’s idea, too. That would be SO funny to keep doing. Say “I’m SO GLAD you’re home.” Or whatever he does…and then “And some KID didn’t shoot you..” LOL
And you know what? COAEW is going to hear about it anyway, so say what you want.
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Chickie said:
April 8th, 2009 at 10:33 pm
For the past few weeks, Sweety and I have been making references to BB guns and dying birds to see if he would notice. I suppose I’ll lay off of that now. I don’t want him to feel like I’m picking on him.
It would be nice to do though.
LB didn’t immediately run to his cell phone to call his mom and ask how I knew what I did so I’m keeping my fingers crossed that this conversation won’t make it back over there.
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April 8th, 2009 9:48 pm
You did fine. The important thing is that you go the point across and LB agreed without arguing. How exactly you said it doesn’t matter. He’s going to stop primarily since it bothers you.
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Chickie said:
April 9th, 2009 at 9:24 pm
I was really glad that he didn’t get all defensive. I’m not good with that. Doesn’t matter to my why he stops so long as he does!
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April 9th, 2009 6:33 am
You did just fine.
You showed your compassion for another living creature without trying to make him seem wrong. You didn’t tell him what to you – only why it was important for you that he consider what he was doing.
To guide without directing
that is the way of the tao
you did just fine.
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Chickie said:
April 9th, 2009 at 9:25 pm
Thank you.
I didn’t want to make him feel too guilty, just show him another point of view. Hopefully, it sticks.
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April 9th, 2009 7:43 am
I agree with the majority here, you didn’t scream, hit or go crazy … I don’t think birdie wing flaps count as “crazy”. Those boys respect you and something tells me they don’t want to disappoint you. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, they’re really blessed to have you!
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Chickie said:
April 9th, 2009 at 9:27 pm
I knew if I wanted him to really hear me that I couldn’t be too excited because then he’d just clam up and get mad. This is horrible, but when I was asking him all of the questions, I was dying to give him a nice shake to punctuate my questions.
Probably best that I had the sense to refrain. The birdie wing flaps gave my hands something else to do.
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April 9th, 2009 9:10 am
You know, I know that in this modern day of the post-Demi Moore and Bruce Willis marriage that we are supposed to be all lovely and politically correct and bestest friends with our exes and what-not. But, this stuff is just horse shit. It bothers me that Sweety worries about taking the coaew’s shit.
You should be able to say something, look at all the time they spend with you guys? You’ve been around them for so long, you should have every right to say: look, killing a tiny bird is ridiculous even if you ate it, that doesn’t make it right because you didn’t NEED to eat it. YOU aren’t trying to feed a family you are trying to justify KILLING an innocent creature needlessly.
It’s just not the same as hunting deer or controlling mountain lion population, you know?
Someone needs to explain that to the kid, I’m glad you at least tried. Good for you!!! You did a good job!
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Chickie said:
April 9th, 2009 at 9:33 pm
Amen, sister. I thinks it nice if you have one big happy family with your exes but really? How often is that the norm? Exes are generally exes for a reason.
Sweety has come a loooooong way in the past 8 years concerning dealing with her and with me. A couple of years ago, she said something to him about was he going to do something or other to keep her from getting mad or would he rather keep me happy. He told her that he lived with me and keeping me happy was his job so she was out of luck. That was a nice turning point.
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April 9th, 2009 11:20 am
I think sometimes kids don’t realize that animals are living creatures like people are living creatures. Maybe by suggesting that the bird has a family that will miss him, you might put it into his head that life should not be wasted. You didn’t say hunting was bad, or that he was bad for doing it…
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Chickie said:
April 9th, 2009 at 9:34 pm
Yeah, I didn’t want him to think that I thought he was bad for doing it but I did want him to feel some empathy for the birds.
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April 9th, 2009 8:18 pm
Well, I think you did good. It will be something that he will think about. And I bet you are right. The Ex’s NEW guy being a hunter–(PERFECT!!!!)…I like the idea of Heather’s, too…..Sometimes a little gumor goes a long way.
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Chickie said:
April 11th, 2009 at 11:45 am
Hopefully, this talk stuck. I have a feeling that it did.
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April 10th, 2009 2:35 am
I wouldn’t say you botched it, Madison has known since about age 2 that animals are special and you have to be gentle and caring with them.
However when she gets to be 12+ and sees all the little redneck boys around here wearing camo and hunting and having their nose dotted with blood when they make their first kill – who is to say she won’t think it’s the coolest thing ever?
You just can’t impose your views on kids, but you can continue to make an example for him and hopefully goodness will prevail.
Hunting makes me sick to my stomach. Blercgh.
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Chickie said:
April 11th, 2009 at 11:49 am
Oh sheesh. If I were to hear of LB or BB getting their noses dotted with blood I would probably spontaneously combust. I’d forgotten about that being done after your first big kill. In the the town where I grew up, they publish pictures in the paper of kids with their first deer. Yes, blercgh.
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April 10th, 2009 1:07 pm
Blercgh?? I’m so stealing that!
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Chickie said:
April 11th, 2009 at 11:51 am
Me too. See above!
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April 10th, 2009 1:50 pm
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