Many moons ago, my Mom had a dog. A blue chihuahua known as “Ernie”. My Dad got him for her when I was around 15 or so. When I was 18, I got married and moved about 3.5 hours away. I’d come home and visit about once a month. In October of that year (1994), I came home so I could go to the Halloween Carnival that was being held at my old high school. My sister and a friend were going too. We were all getting ready to leave the house when Ernie ran outside and would not come back in. He’d been outside before. We thought he’d be okay so we left. Mom was going to meet us at the school after she got off of work.
It was getting late and she wasn’t there so I called the house. Mom is sobbing and saying that we killed Ernie and she was burying him. He’d gotten hit by a car. It was storming and she was burying him in the rain. I honestly don’t think I’ve had a hand in anything else in my life that made me feel so shitty. To make up for it, I got her a new chihuahua a year later. He was christened Bud Light (with Mom’s Korean accent, it sounds like his name is BudLie. I like that.) and he’s still kicking and is Mom’s baby.
I woke up in the wee hours of the morning thinking about this and couldn’t get it out of my head.
Holy shit. What horribly irresponsible kids we were.
Poor Mom. Having to find his little body and bury him.
Ohmygod! What if his little body was all mangled up when she found him? Not a clean kill!
How traumatic for Mom!
*little tears start to leak from my eyes*
Dude, what if YOU came home to find out that the boys had let Oy slip outside and SHE got hit by a car? How would you feel?!
*little tears start to stream from my eyes*
See how bad you feel? Mom must have felt 1000 times worse since her dog REALLY WAS DEAD, you fucking imagining weirdo. Oh man, I made Mom feel bad.
*thinking of a crying Mom, rocking his dead body and digging a hole during a thunderstorm*
*cry, cry*
Okay. I need to think happy thoughts so I can go back to sleep.
My normal happy time thoughts involve getting to visit with my family. But when I thought about Mom, I thought about Ernie. When I thought about my niece, I thought about my sister and when I thought about my sister, I thought about how she was party to Ernie’s death. When I thought about Sweety, I thought about the boys and they had just killed Tiny Dog in my imagination. There was nowhere safe to retreat to in my head. This circle of craziness went on for over an hour.
I finally fell asleep and when I woke, the sun burned some of the crazy off of me.
22 Comments, Comment or Ping
So, you were probably fucked today-not only lack of sleep, but emotionally drained.
It IS horrible, but I am sure your mom isn’t still holding it against you, so maybe you shouldn’t still hold it against yourself.
[reply]
Chickie said:
August 11th, 2009 at 10:29 pm
Yeah, today was really odd. I kept feeling like something bad was going to happen.
What’s weird is, I didn’t think I was holding this against myself. I hadn’t thought of it in years. I apologized profusely to my Mom (& meant it.) when it happened and she’s super happy with her BudLie. It really freaked me out that this wormed its way so thoroughly into my thoughts.
I think I have bigger, more present things to fret over and momentarily obsessing about something that happened 15 years ago is my way of avoiding the now.
[reply]
August 11th, 2009 10:00 pm
Maybe you just really needed a good reason to cry and that’s the first thing your mind could come up with to help you let it all out. Cries are good and healthy and needed once in a while.
But poor Mom and Ernie. That’s just awful.
[reply]
Chickie said:
August 12th, 2009 at 10:07 am
Cries are good and healthy and needed once in a while. That’s what I told myself and just went with it for awhile. But when I decided that more sleep would be nice, it just wouldn’t come.
[reply]
August 11th, 2009 10:35 pm
I agree with Bekah….And it was a horrible loss and I surely understand why you felt Soooo bad, Chickie. But, matbe as you said, there are other things that you may need to cry about or deal with, and you just can’t right now.
I know how horrible you would feel if anything about to your dear little Oy! I’m sending all kinds of GOOD Vibrations your way so that nothing bad will happen to anyone! HUGS, my dear..(((((((hugs)))))))
[reply]
Chickie said:
August 12th, 2009 at 10:26 am
Thanks for the good vibes! I’ve decided that this weekend will be my time to suck it up and deal with some things that I’ve been putting off.
[reply]
August 12th, 2009 12:02 am
Chickie, that was such a touching post that the thought of it almost makes me cry, too. It is amazing what crazy stuff keeps us up at night.
I must be having empathy for you because here it is 3:00 TX. time and I can’t sleep either. Damnit…I hate it when I can’t sleep. I think my sister’s lack of sleep has rubbed off on me.
Anyway, I hope you get to take a little nap later today.
Hugs, Pam
[reply]
Chickie said:
August 12th, 2009 at 10:28 am
I don’t know why this middle-of-the night waking has come about but it is driving me nuts. Usually, I can get up and let the dogs out and then go right back to sleep but not since I’ve been back from vacation. It’s making me tired.
[reply]
August 12th, 2009 3:56 am
I hate middle of the night mental breakdowns like that! I had one a few nights ago about our cat, Unagi, who has been missing for almost a month after sneaking out after dark.
I wake up thinking about him being run down by a coyote and it takes forever to get the visions out of my head. I hope your crazy leaves you alone so you can get some sleep tonight! ((hugs))
[reply]
Chickie said:
August 12th, 2009 at 10:33 am
Thankfully, the crazy didn’t come back last night. I still woke up and couldn’t go to sleep but at least I wasn’t freaking out the whole time.
I had a cat get loose once and I finally decided that he was living happily in the woods while eating mice. Delusion can be comforting!
I hope Unagi makes it home sometime with lots of stories to tell.
[reply]
August 12th, 2009 7:56 am
Oh, the middle-of-the-night crazies…how I hate them.
That’s another reason I have cats. Scooping Fiero up for snuggle, after dosing myself with warm milk and Amaretto (gross, but it works), usually does the trick.
[reply]
Chickie said:
August 12th, 2009 at 5:12 pm
You know what? I wouldn’t even have the middle-of-the-night crazies if Tiny Dog was allowed to sleep in our bed. If she’s in bed with me, she’ll sleep all night and not want to go outside til I get up. I’m starting to see how some married people don’t share a bedroom.
[reply]
August 12th, 2009 4:12 pm
You know I do the same thing to myself. I wake up in the middle of the night and think about things that happened years ago. It’s weird how once it’s wondering around in your mind it just won’t go away. Then I wonder if I’m the only one obssessing over it…the other person probably rarely even gives it a thought. I bet they are sleeping just fine.
[reply]
Chickie said:
August 12th, 2009 at 5:15 pm
Oh, I do that too! Think about something that’s ancient and then kick myself because why should I think about it if the other party probably doesn’t ever give it a second thought. Then, depending on my mood, I might work up a revenge fantasy.
[reply]
August 12th, 2009 4:44 pm
Chickie, I came back to see the comments again, and it occurs to me that maybe you are having trouble sleeping through the night BECAUSE Tiny is not sleeping with you since your vacation. You think?
[reply]
Chickie said:
August 13th, 2009 at 8:47 pm
I think. The catalyst that wakes me is Tiny wanting to go out at 3 or 4 and then I can’t get back to sleep. This is the way it has always been but usually, I can go back to sleep. Not since getting back from vacation though. I got spoiled to being asleep for 9-10 hours with her in bed with me. If she’s sleeping with me, she will explode before crying to get out of bed for anything.
Sweety is unwavering in his decision to not let Tiny Dog in the bed with us.
[reply]
August 13th, 2009 7:14 pm
Sometimes it truly is frightening how our minds ramble in the same direction! That is horrible that your Mom had to deal with losing her precious baby. I hyperventilate when I think about something happening to my precious Reilly.
[reply]
Chickie said:
August 19th, 2009 at 10:29 am
As far as I’m concerned – Tiny Dog will live forevah! If there comes a day where she doesn’t want to wake up, I’ll send her away on “vacation” like Chi Chi and she will sleep all of the time when she gets back.
I said I wouldn’t freeze dry another animal but…
[reply]
August 14th, 2009 9:15 am
Dreams like that can be painful. I can never get back to sleep after something so bothersome. I may have to consider the “drug scene” now.
[reply]
Chickie said:
August 19th, 2009 at 10:30 am
Ha! The drug scene! I had a dream last night that I was doing something like that to stay asleep! When I woke up, I wondered, “Hmm. Where can I get my hands on that?”
[reply]
August 15th, 2009 3:06 pm
This post right here?
Is what makes you better than ANY OTHER blogger ON THE PLANET.
No bullshit.
Dooce fucking who?
[reply]
Chickie said:
August 19th, 2009 at 10:31 am
You are too kind. But wise and right. Heh.
[reply]
August 19th, 2009 1:26 am
Reply to “Welcome To My Mind At 4 A.M.”