I’m implementing something new. I’m not bending over backwards to make it to the boys’ baseball games or jump to get them whatever the latest gadget is that they’re wanting. They want something or they want to go on an outing – I’m referring them to Sweety. I make them mind and do chores but they know that if they really want something that I’m the person to ask about it. I admit that I’ve been the “fun” parent because I want them to like me.
They are never going to love me like they do their parents and it’s making me tired to try and be a supermom when I’m not super or a mom. I’ve spent 8 years going out of my way to be at every game and chaperon every field trip that they needed me on.
I have discovered something more embarrassing than telling a man that you love him and he says nothing – saying it to your stepsons and they say nothing. I know they can squeak it out. I hear them tell their parents all of the time. I used to tell them that I loved them when I tucked them in at night and they never said it back so I quit saying it. A few weeks ago, I thought that was no reason to not tell them since I do. But since it’s just followed with awkward silence – I give up. I know the boys love me but it’s frustrating that I put forth as much effort in all around raising them as their mother or Sweety and I’m not the same.
Last Saturday, for the first time ever – I didn’t go to a baseball game when I would have been able to. I had company and I just really wasn’t relishing the idea of sitting at the game for 3 hours with the coaew a stone’s throw away. And the world didn’t end. The boys didn’t even wonder where I was.
This weekend’s game is going to be a dramafest. They play about an hour away and they have a wedding to be in on their stepfather’s side of the family that evening. After the game, Sweety has to meet the coaew somewhere with the boys. I know what the day will be like.
They’ll get beat in the baseball game. Sweety will be annoyed. The boys will be pissy. The coaew will be calling or texting constantly trying to find out where they are. I will be pissed off that we’re having to take them to meet her because she didn’t come to the game. It’s her time with them. Yes, she has a wedding that night but if they have time to go to the game then why the fuck can’t she take them?
So I told Sweety I didn’t want to go. I have absolutely no desire to even be around the aggravation that will ensue if the game runs into overtime or Sweety can’t meet her at the appointed time. Or if he shows up at the meeting place and she isn’t there yet.
He said that he’d like for me to go but understands why I don’t want to. And guess what? I’m not having any anxiety about this Saturday since I’m avoiding it. If I was going, I’d spend all week dreading it.
I also told Sweety that I probably won’t be going to their games if he isn’t there. I’m uncomfortable being around the coaew and even more so if Sweety isn’t around to talk to.
That flaming twatwad called him this weekend to ask what size pants did BB wear because she needed to buy him dress pants for the wedding. It wouldn’t have been so bad but BB was at her house. On the couch. Watching t.v. He didn’t want to miss the football game on t.v. to go shopping so she was calling for his pants size. WTF? How hard is it to either A) Tell him to get his ass up because he as to go or B) See what size pants are on his ass? Gah. Sweety let the call go to voicemail and didn’t bother calling back.
Basically, I’ve decided if something extracurricular is going to stress me the hell out or make me want to cry then I’m not doing it.
23 Comments, Comment or Ping
For mine – I refer them to their father for most things. If they want to go somewhere, ask their father. If they want something new, ask their father. And if after they have permission from their father, they want me to do something for them, they had better be treating me with respect, or my answer will be no.
I do not get the “i love you” from them. I don’t think I ever have. I know for a fact that one does, one does not, and have no clue about the third (not in the order of birth). I have only been in their life five years, and I never put up with their shit. Obviously, that’s more ok with some and not others. Whatev.
And there is NO reason to put yourself out into a situation that is only going to cause you more stress unless it’s absolutely necessary. Especially when you might have to deal with coaew – which doesn’t sound like fun at all.
Wanna call and we can have a bitch fest? :)
peace…
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Chickie said:
October 21st, 2009 at 3:55 pm
We will have to have a nice bitch fest. It would be nice to vent and hear someone else vent too. I try to not grouch too much to Sweety because I know it makes him feel guilty that I have to even know the coaew.
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October 21st, 2009 12:15 am
It’s a shame that their mother doesn’t; try to do more with them. They’ll only be playing ball for a few years and then it’s over forever. I know she’s never going to change; but I feel bad for the boys. Kids need as little drama as possible. They act like it doesn’t affect them but it does. Hopefully, he weekend won’t have as much as it looks like it’s going to.
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Chickie said:
October 21st, 2009 at 3:57 pm
They’ll only be playing ball for a few years and then it’s over forever. So true. That’s what I tell myself too every time I go out of my way to go to a game but I’m burned out. I’ll still go if Sweety is going to be there or maybe if I’m in a super great mood and want to go sit there alone but I’m not going to beat myself up over it if I miss a game.
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October 21st, 2009 3:41 am
Bravo To You, Chickie! I think you are doing what is good for you and that is truly truly important…ESPECIALLY since the ex is so impossible. And if the boys want you to come to there game let them ask you…. After eight years of giving and giving and giving—Well, maybe a rest from it all will do everyone some good. I wonder if the boys will ever be able to say “I Love You” to you? Gee, I would hope so….!!
BTW: My friend Shawn took me out for a ride again today and we found more Halloween decorations in Beverly Hills….It will take me a while to get them together…But some were really gory…UGH!
I look forward to seeing the pictures of that house you mentioned.
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Chickie said:
October 21st, 2009 at 3:59 pm
If they ask me or mentioned it to me – then I would definitely go even if Sweety wasn’t going to be there. I stay out of the way so much at the games that I’ve been to them before and they didn’t even realize that I was there until it was over!
I’m going to get out and get photos of that house. It’s decorated year round to suit whatever holiday comes next. Very neat.
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October 21st, 2009 5:17 am
Most excellent thinking
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Chickie said:
October 21st, 2009 at 4:00 pm
Thank you.
I was afraid I was going to come across as a hugely selfish bitch.
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October 21st, 2009 8:06 am
I think you are making the right decision. I have had to do this very same thing, and while hard, it is the best thing for me. And in the end, that is the most important thing.
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Chickie said:
October 21st, 2009 at 4:02 pm
So true. And really? The little changes I’m making? I don’t even think they will really notice them. But they make it so much easier for me.
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October 21st, 2009 10:12 am
They may never tell you that they love you. They do, though. In their own way. Boys are weird.
Also, in spite of what you think, they also notice when you aren’t there. You’re the stable rock in their Sea of Crazy.
That said, even stable rocks need a break from that kind of current. The coaew knew she could “make” her son get up and tell her his pants size. Her constant calling and neediness is her way of controlling Sweety. I say “Let it go to voicemail now and forevermore!”
And what’s up with y’all turning your lives upside down to simplify her life? If she can’t get the boys to the game on her weekend, she should organize with other parents on the team to get them there. Or they should miss. You know, like other families in the world.
//rant over. Sorry. And – good for you!
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Chickie said:
October 21st, 2009 at 10:16 pm
Sweety has asked why she calls him for stupid shit and that’s exactly what I told him. I told him that in her head, they’re still a team and he visibly blanched.
Well, Sweety is the coach so he’s going to the game anyway. And he’d rather they didn’t miss since they play on the same team and it makes a noticeable difference for the team. So I guess we ARE the other parents on the team that she’s getting help from. Heh.
It’s not a normal thing right now that Sweety bowls every other Saturday so I’ve decided to kind of take advantage of him being away to have some “me” time. It’s not me time if I spend all morning sweating my ass off while I listen to the coaew’s kids scream like banshees.
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renn said:
October 21st, 2009 at 11:28 pm
I forgot that Sweety was the coach…
Enjoy that ‘me’ time. You deserve it!
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October 21st, 2009 9:00 pm
GOOD FOR YOU! Seriously. I’ve been spying into your life for what, 3 or 4 of those 8 years? And I’m GLAD you are doing something for you.
I don’t recall ever telling my Becky that I loved her. I’m sure I did. And I know I loved her, but I don’t remember every saying it. I haven’t seen her in more than ten years but I still miss her every day and wish we could be a part of each others’ lives.
I’m sure the boys love you. They may not know how to express it. But you are more of a mom to them than their mother. Someday, they will tell you that.
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Chickie said:
October 22nd, 2009 at 10:17 pm
Thanks for this.
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October 21st, 2009 10:15 pm
Far away friend, I haven’t heard from you in a while and remembered I could always check here for updates. Not having childen does not give me much authority, but for petes sake, when does the madness stop? I don’t know how you have survived without some time for yourself, Shed that guilt and bask in the luxury of your company. Of course the boys love you but not with the adult understanding of the sacrifices you have made to give them some stability. Maybe in about 20 years.
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Chickie said:
October 22nd, 2009 at 10:18 pm
It was so nice to talk to you tonight!
I figure if you’ve resorted to commenting here that I should call :)
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October 21st, 2009 10:40 pm
Good for you!!!!
The boys are in an awkward position and like most teenage boys (I know, I have one) they aren’t the most sensitive or considerate beings on the planet. Try not to take it personally and YES… stay the hell away unless one of them asks you to be there. There is no point in stressing yourself out when they don’t even realize you are there.
Bravo!!!
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Chickie said:
October 22nd, 2009 at 10:20 pm
You know, I was worried about what you would think about this. After I said something awhile back about how people should just suck it up and do their parenting jobs I wondered if this would be taken as me quitting. But I’m not quitting. I’m just not going freaking overboard anymore.
Thank you for the bravo.
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October 22nd, 2009 3:17 pm
Smart girl, Chick.
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Chickie said:
October 23rd, 2009 at 11:51 pm
Thank you, Joey.
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October 22nd, 2009 11:16 pm
Well done, Chickie.
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Chickie said:
October 27th, 2009 at 9:32 pm
Thank you dear!
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October 26th, 2009 2:30 pm
Reply to “Out of Effort”