Today was teeth-cleaning day for me. And I made the same mistake I make every single time after getting my teeth cleaned – I bleached them with one of those at-home bleach kits. Sure, it burned when I first put the tray in my mouth but I powered through the required 30 minutes. I was supposed to take it out and do it again for another 30 right after but didn’t have time because I had to get BB to his baseball game.
During the game, I kept feeling how squeaky clean the inside of my mouth was. I noticed that around my gumline was a little sensitive after all it had been through and forgot about it. After the game it was decided that the ballteam and their families would go to a local restaurant for dinner because the restaurant owner said he’d donate 10% of our check back to the baseball team.
At the restaurant they were having a sale on alcoholic drinks (rumrunners). I was not going to get a drink since it was a function with kids but the lady next to me ordered a rumrunner and I took it as a sign. A sign to order a Jack Daniel’s & Diet Coke to calm my frazzled nerves.
I really really despise these sorts of functions. I hate it when people ask who I am and I say “BB’s stepmom” and either they don’t hear the “step” part and say “oh, BB’s MOM!” while I feel like a fraud because I don’t want to correct them or look at me weird because I’m a steppy. I always feel like they’re thinking that I’m a second-class citizen. (Which is pretty fucked up thinking considering how many people are divorced and remarried nowadays.) Tonight’s lady didn’t hear the “step” part and I worried that LB (who was sitting right beside me) would be mad/upset/wtfe because I didn’t correct her. Or maybe he would be upset if I DID correct her. Maybe I overthink shit.
Guess what happens when you drink alcohol after having your teeth cleaned and bleaching the skin off the inside of your mouth? The burning that you felt while bleaching your teeth is miniscule when compared to your tongue feeling like it just split down the middle and fire ants are running out of it while wearing tiny golf shoes.
Sweety saw my grimace when I took the first drink and started to telepathically give me shit over buying a drink. (Seriously, he can twitch his eyebrows and I know exactly what he’s thinking.) So I had to tell him that it wasn’t that I couldn’t handle the drink – it was that it was melting my tender mouth. Maybe I shouldn’t order a drink when I’m nervous. Though I did quit twitching my leg up and down and wringing my hands and gnawing on my cuticles by the time I was halfway through with the drink.
I don’t know if I was relaxed or if my brain was too busy devoting all pain signals to my mouth.
25 Comments, Comment or Ping
“…your tongue feeling like it just split down the middle and fire ants are running out of it while wearing tiny golf shoes”
Now why can’t I write like that??
(Hope your mouth is feeling better soon.)
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Chickie said:
July 10th, 2010 at 10:45 pm
You could write like that if you did really stupid things. You are smarter than this!
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July 7th, 2010 9:49 pm
All I can think of is where can I buy those tiny white golf shoes, and if I can get little pink and green plaid pants to go with them.
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Chickie said:
July 10th, 2010 at 10:46 pm
If I ever catch one of those asshole ants, I will ask them.
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July 7th, 2010 9:56 pm
The ‘fire ant’ comment made my brain shudder, and caused a full on head to toe ‘EWW. GROSS! AAAHH!” shake.
Well done, you!
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Chickie said:
July 10th, 2010 at 10:46 pm
Thank you! LOL
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July 7th, 2010 10:12 pm
Yeouch! that sounds painful. But funny as heck when you tell it :)
I have the thing where I am the bf’s girlfriend, not technically a stepmom to his two girls although we all live together…so that makes it even more confusing. When people ask, I stammer around, oh I am just their dad’s girlfriend.. which sounds kind of silly coming from a 45 year old woman. But..whatever I gues.
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Becky said:
July 8th, 2010 at 7:13 pm
Eh, just say “I’m their dad’s lover.” Goes over well at PTA meetings! LOL
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Chickie said:
July 10th, 2010 at 10:47 pm
Ha! I like Becky’s idea!
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July 7th, 2010 10:13 pm
I know it was painful, but I still laughed.
So, have we learned our lesson?
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Chickie said:
July 10th, 2010 at 10:47 pm
Maybe.
I should bookmark this to read after the next time I get my teeth cleaned.
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July 7th, 2010 10:35 pm
You have got to be in some kind of pain. I almost died when you said you whitened your teeth after cleaning them…then a drink? You are one tough woman.
Twitching eyebrows cracked me up. You always say the funniest things.
You should tell the people that you are the other mom or the real mom, or the cool mom because you love them and take care of them.
Hope your mouth heals soon.
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Chickie said:
July 10th, 2010 at 10:51 pm
What’s the phrase – you gotta be tough if you’re going to do stupid shit?
Seriously, I (usually) know what Sweety thinks.
Oh, man…I like the “other mom” but I can only imagine how bad coaew would freak out if that ever circulated back to her. She sits with the other moms when she goes to the games.
My mouth is much better! Still very tender though.
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July 7th, 2010 10:59 pm
GREAT LINE about The Fire Ants…You really have the most colorful way of describing things, dear Chickie—BRILLIANT, really!
It sounds like it was incredibly painful….UGH! And not worth it…But that’s me.
Glad you liked Sweetie’s “Butt” Picture….(My “Sweetie” not yours…lol)
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Chickie said:
July 10th, 2010 at 10:53 pm
It was SO NOT worth it!
And Sweetie’s photo was awesome. I love looking at your photos!
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July 8th, 2010 5:57 am
That description really defines pain… but hey what were you thinking? LOL
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Chickie said:
July 10th, 2010 at 10:53 pm
Sometimes my brain is empty. :)
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July 8th, 2010 9:22 am
“fire ants are running out of it while wearing tiny golf shoes.” Best line of the day. Oh, and sorry for your pain.
I remember the days of being referenced as the ‘step’ and how much it made me feel like a fraud. Now that my SS is older, I don’t get introduced as the stepmother as often anymore. I just get introduced by my first name which is fine by me. – G
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Chickie said:
July 10th, 2010 at 10:54 pm
I always just introduce myself by name but then the other person always asks whose mom am I. A lot of the time I’ll just say that I belong to BB/LB.
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July 8th, 2010 9:55 am
Took me a few minutes after reading this to compose myself enough to type … you are so brilliant! Seriously, you give yourself so little credit, my bright beauty! I have no advise about steppie stuff or anything else for that matter. Just please keep sharing!
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Chickie said:
July 10th, 2010 at 10:54 pm
Aw, thank you. You’re too kind!
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July 8th, 2010 12:14 pm
F THAT!! Just say you’re his mom and be done with it!!! Really, I don’t think people CARE if you’re a step mom or not. I don’t even want to know that much detail about kids I don’t even know that well. Here at the Shangri-La (read:trailer park), we are BOTH the kids parents. Period. No step, no nothing.
God girl, give yourself credit. YOU are the mom..step or not. SHE is the coaew!!
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Chickie said:
July 10th, 2010 at 10:56 pm
It bugs me when people ask me whose mom I am. I always stutter after that one.
When LB was smaller, people used to comment about how much alike we looked. LOL I’d just say ‘thank you’ and move on.
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July 8th, 2010 7:16 pm
Well, between the bleach and the alcohol there isn’t a live bacteria within a half-mile of your mouth, so it isn’t all bad.
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Chickie said:
July 11th, 2010 at 12:07 am
True. I’ve had some damn clean breath for days now.
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July 10th, 2010 11:43 pm
Reply to “Smile!”