You Can’t Take Me Anywhere


At approximately 9:30 p.m. Eastern Standard Time last night, you may have felt a sudden heat wave. No worries. That was only my cheeks burning.

We went to the VFW last night after I got off of work to meet a friend. When I suggested the outing to Sweety a few weeks ago he was not very excited.

A little backstory – the friend I wanted to go meet is someone I met because she briefly dated someone who Sweety bowled with. She and I only met in person once and then became better acquainted through Facebook and Twitter. When I told Sweety who I wanted to meet, his first reaction was, “Geez…why can’t you find friends that won’t be awkward? She dated So-and-So. You’re weird.” I reminded him that he had asked me just a few days before why couldn’t I make more “real life friends” after making plans to meet an “online friend” and that if it made him feel any better that he could pretend that I met her online. (no, we aren’t delusional, are we?)

I promised him that if he had a complete craptastic time that I would never ask him to go again. I told him to use our safeword of “appaloosa” if he felt that we needed to flee the scene.

I am a longtime fan of VFWs. As far as I’m concerned – they have the best suppers and you can’t beat bingo there. Last night I discovered that you also can’t beat the incredibly cheap drinks. And the old more life experienced folks. I love them. Really. On Friday and Saturday nights they have karaoke and dollar beer (and $3 well drinks! woot!). I do not sing. Ever. (I sang “Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star” to my niece when she was 4 and she asked me to please stop.) But I do love to drink and watch people butcher songs. In a trainwrecky sort of way.

Surprisingly, most everybody that sang was good. Maybe I danced a little in my chair. Such a tiny bit that you would think I was just spasming a small bit. Nothing rhythmic. And I was really excited to see my friend. So excited that when there was a break in the karaoke so some announcements about upcoming VFW events could be made that I paid no attention and did. not. shut. up.

We were sitting at the table closest to the stage. As the announcer was announcing I was talking loudly (because we were sitting next to the music speakers) so my friend could hear me. It did not occur to my mildly beer-addled mind that everyone else could hear me too. Until the man with the microphone shushed me. The elderly gentleman sitting at the far end of our table shushed me then as well.

And that’s when you all felt the heat wave.