Sweet baby Hayzeus.

I think I’m drunk.

The Bean went to bed about 3 hours ago and I decided to drink some Woodchucks. I’m five in and toast. Damn.

We’ve finally gotten on a schedule with Bean and everything is running much more smoothly. Instead of getting texted photos from Sweety showing her face after she’s been crying for hours, I get photos of her happy after a nap. This keeps me from wanting to run from my desk at work after quitting my job and snatching the baby away from Sweety while telling him that he needs to get another job to support us all.

Sylvie turned 13 last weekend and we had a tiny party for her. (The next time she’s here, she’ll be turning 15. I told her she was having a party at home with a pinata. It was only our family, the neighbors and the girl she rides to school with but I thought I was going to explode trying to get everything together.) Photos here. Sweety took Bean on her first trip down a bowling lane. He sort of swung her like a meaty golf club while she kicked the bowling ball. That night, Sylvie asked if she could sleep with me since it was her birthday. I told her no but when I told Sweety that she asked, he went into BB’s room for the night so she could stay in ours. I will admit that it was great. This was taken the next morning when we were getting up.

Today, Bean napped in her crib for the first time.

I sat on Sylvie’s bed and watched her the whole time. Those bumps on her face? Bug bites or something. We don’t know where the hell they came from but they are getting better. I wince every time I look at them.

The real irony here is that she’s been in our bed the past several nights because I wanted her there and Sweety decided that he’s okay with it. The Bean? Not so much. She sleeps better in her own space and I know it’s selfish of me to put her in the bed with me just because I want to feed her while she sleeps and sniff her head. She sleeps in a Pack N Play thing in our room and tonight I took the bassinet part out of it and she’s sleeping in it in the bottom. Yeah, I may have teared up a little while putting the bassinet away.

She’s also started sitting up pretty good.

Today I washed all of her small diapers because she’s outgrown them. I had a huge twinge of sadness the first time I strapped a bigger diaper onto her. I’m pretty sure that babies grow faster than anything else on the planet.

I know I need to start brushing her hair. It’s rather unkempt looking. I’m so used to it though. I brushed it tonight after she got out of the shower. She looked like Donald Trump.

Okay. I’m gonna poke one more baby photo down your throat and then leave.

This morning. She totally loses her shit in that toy.

Wow. You wouldn’t believe how much I love that baby.

Oh, wait! One more thing! More Sweety sleep talk!

Shit ass motherfuckers flying a kite.

What wrong with kites?

I dunno.

I think you’re jealous that you don’t have one.

Who cares? I have bananas!

The really funny part? Sweety hates bananas.

12 Comments | In: bean, conversation | | #

We got back Monday from a long weekend in Massachusetts visiting Sweety’s Mother. (My Mom is here now. She came down to visit and stay with Sylvie while we took Bean up. The boys were at the coaew’s.) It was the first time she’d met Bean. The trip went great! On the way up there and back we had connecting flights and I was really worried that Bean would have issues going up and down twice in one day but she was beyond good. She slept the whole way up there and back when we were on the planes. Huge relief for me. I didn’t want to be the person on the plane with the screaming baby.

On the flights up I held her with my arms on the plane and of course she only slept as long as I was in the most uncomfortable position that I could be in. On the way back, I smartened up and carried her on the plane in a sling. Much better. Much, much better. BOTH of us slept on the way home.

Dude, the place we stayed? Awesomesauce. Sweety’s Mom got the room for us and I’m guessing that since it’s off-season and because she knows someone that works there that she was able to get it at a huge discount. Our room was right on the beach. Beautiful view! Well, beautiful if you’re okay with rain. I’m okay with rain. I get enough sun in Florida.

I told Sweety I don’t care to ever see Massachusetts during the summer or spring when it’s tourist season. Give me cheap, fantastic room when it’s raining, please.

The suite had a bedroom with two queen sized beds and then a separate living room with a porch off of it. Both rooms had fireplaces. We learned that Bean has inherited Sweety’s firebug gene because she was mesmerized by the fireplaces. I loved that there were two beds so I could sleep with Bean in comfort. It was super nice to wake up and flip a tit into her mouth instead of moving and waking her. We slept in a lot.

When I saw the cushy beds, my first thought was:, “Oh, boy! I’m going to sleep great with Sweety!” and right behind that was, “Wait…I sleep with him every night. I’m on vacation! I’M SLEEPING WITH THE BABY! MUAHAHAHAHAHA!” So, yeah. You could totally say that romance is dead here. I’m going to get to working on that before I come home to find that Sweety has procured a Sister Wife for me. I joke about wanting one but I don’t. It’s just too much work to get to know someone new.

Here we are all bundled up at the Stony Brook herring run.

These herring fight upstream, going UP little waterfalls to get to where they want to spawn. It takes them a long damned time to get from the ocean to where they want to be. We spent our time there looking at the jouneying fish and avoiding a gaggle of poorly supervised crotch droppings who were about 10 years of age. They all had sticks and were poking the fish. I guess since the signs all over said No Petting or Handling of Fish and didn’t specifically say to not POKE them with sticks that they thought it was an A-okay thing to do. I told one little group of kids who looked to be about 6 years old or so to stop poking the fish. They complied momentarily until their keeper finally moseyed over to them by the water’s edge and under her protective wing they resumed their fish prodding.

Sometimes, I hate people.

The kids around 10 years old? KILLED A FISH. One of the little shitheads threw a fucking rock at a fish. Sweety and I heard a loud “kerplunk” and turned around to see a fish who’d spent at least the past two days making his way upstream (He was only a few feet from the body of water where the fish all have their big orgy! So close!) floating belly up. The kids all started yelling in excitement and I came unfuckingglued. It seemed that the fishkiller’s mother was going to just keep on walking upstream with the kids and not reprimand him. I decided that I wanted her to know that someone saw it. So I gave her the death glare whiled loudly telling Sweety that the poor fish was dead as hell. The mother immediately rounded up all of her hooligans while giving the fishkiller grief and actually squealed her tires leaving the parking lot. I think she should have made the kid eat the damned fish. You kill it; you eat it.

Here’s what the Bean thinks about little turds killing fish for fun.

I can safely say that I will never have the crazy kid running around the herring run with a giant sharpened stick to jab the horny fish.

12 Comments | In: bean, vacation | | #

We’ve gotten some things done the past couple of weeks!

We FINALLY sort of finished Bean’s room.

Yes, yes…I know that crib padding causes SIDS. She’s not sleeping in it and I’m yanking those pads down to be even with the mattress before she starts using the bed. They’re about 3 inches about the mattress now. I got tired of fussing with them the other night. And she’s not gonna pull the canopy down and become tangled in it because it will be moved/taken down when she can reach it. /end PSA

The next thing to be done is getting the stuff I want for the walls. We are still pursuing the wombat/fairy opossum/outdoorsy theme. My plan is to have the room done by the time I’m ready for her to use it which should be around the end of the summer.

I added a bit to Bean’s monkey suit. Heh. The little tie has sock monkeys on it. The photo shoot didn’t go quite as planned.

I also have a spill on video.

You may notice that she’s falling in the opposite direction of the photos. Yes, I let her face plant twice while trying to catch her on film.

4 Comments | In: bean | | #

Don’t eat wasabi coated peas if your lips are chapped. It’s a fiery disaster. Like hemorrhoids on your face. And certainly do not rub your watery eyes with the fingers that you have just used to pluck up the wasabi peas. That will lead you into the bathroom at work where you will cry while washing your hands.

I like to use the back door into work when I’m entering and exiting. Less likely to run into people clogging up the sidewalk. When I left yesterday night, I noticed that the sprinklers were on. I carefully navigated through them without getting soaked. Just as I was patting myself on the back for not getting wet – I got soaked. On the sidewalk under a tree. There wasn’t even any grass around and it was super dark there so I didn’t see the spray. I despise getting wet. The sound I made as I was drenched from head to toe was probably very similar to the sound Tiny Dog would make if I gave her a pet with a blowtorch.

Check it out!

Someone had it sitting at the curb and I grabbed it up a few weeks ago. It was pretty scuffed up but it’s made from solid wood so Sweety sanded it and painted it with paint we had leftover after painting Bean’s room. Her closet is the hot pink color and her room is the light pink. I know the dresser is rather blinding but it’s going to be inside her closet and will match perfectly in there.

We needed a dresser for Sylvie to use. Right now, she’s stacking her clothes in an old bookshelf but will move into the dresser tomorrow. I think she’s excited to have a place to cram her clothes where I won’t be able to see them and grouch at her to fold them nicely.

Here. More cute baby.

That’s a pirate sock monkey with a mohawk hat. Sylvie said we all need one. I think the world would be a happier place if everybody plopped one of those on their head before leaving the house. See that little tongue poking out? She’s just discovered that and spends most of her time sticking it out at us and squealing.

My sleeping peeps. It sucks royally to get out of bed in the morning.

Dining and pulling the hair and then passed out after dinner.

I’m trying to keep her from snatching herself bald-headed.

Have you ever heard of where a hair can get wrapped around a baby’s toe and cut off the circulation? That shit is no joke. The Bean got one on her toe and it left a cut. I had her with me at the grocery store today (with no socks on) and someone was admiring her and shrieked, “Oh my gawd! What happened to her poor toe?!” Holy hell. The one off spot on her and it stuck out like a sore thumb.

Speaking of feet…

The Bean has some sweaty feet. You know how baby feet are supposed to be all nice and smell good? Hers do about 90 percent of the time. The other 10 percent? They actually stink like feet. (I will admit that I huff her stinky feet. Since it’s a rarity to sniff them and they’re stinky – I consider it good luck when I catch them smelling like tiny dirty sweatsocks.) Even if she hasn’t had socks on. I’m starting to leave socks off of her more often than not in an effort to dry them out. You can sometimes swipe your finger across the sole and it actually comes away wet.

I guess we all have our quirks.

7 Comments | In: I'm an idiot, bean, cube farm | | #