On Wednesday I went to have a weird looking mole checked. The doctor agreed that it was weird looking and asked if I wanted it off now or after the baby was born. I asked if I could have anesthesia if it came off now and he said I could but it was injected not something that was rubbed on. Or I could just have them slice it off without anesthesia.

So, how long will it take you to whack it off.

Not long. Maybe a minute.

Thinking to myself….A minute? I’m probably going to live at least another 45 years…what’s a minute in the scheme of 45 years? That’s nothing! I can do this!
Okay! Let’s take it off now!

The doctor took a needle full of saline and injected it under the mole to make it raise off of my belly (and that part hurt like hell, thank you very much) and then proceeded to slice it off. Holy shit, batman. It was like fire. I was telling myself to be calm so the Bean wouldn’t think we were being tortured or something. It’s hard to keep your heart from racing when something is cutting on you. I am glad it is gone.

The boys were with me and when I came out of the office, they remarked that I looked a little pale. I had to wait for the shaking to stop before I could drive us away. I can handle pain in a dignified manner but I sure don’t like it.

Our house is still a giant mess. We’re walking around on concrete with furniture crammed into odd places while we wait for the insurance check from the water damage to arrive. Sweety has everything prepped to start replacing things once we have the money for it. I look around at the disarray and want to pull my hair out. It’s no secret that I’m not the most organized person but it appears that I do have limits to the clutter that I can stand.

Here’s what we’ve been doing for fun while watching television….

Tiny Dog really loves to hump the living shit out of Oliver but he’s not really a fan. She can usually only get a couple of good thrusts in before he dismounts her. We’ve discovered that Oliver is a big enough slut for our attention though that he’ll let her ride away as long as we’re petting him. I find it hilarious and they both get something they want. It’s a win-win situation!

The hole in the carpet? That’s where Sweety upchucked during the great pukefest of 2011 and I made him cut the carpet out. That vomit actually soaked through the carpet and into the concrete. That’s the disgusting discolored patch up top. I’m going to clean it with a blowtorch before we put down new carpet.

I put them in the icebox and went to bed.

Sweety has a habit of sleepwalking and eating (amongst other things). The next morning he started talking as he was sleepily waking up.

Those little bastards didn’t stand a chance.

Huh?

I ripped a tiny hole in the bag so they couldn’t run and ate them one by one.

Ooooo….he’s talking about his M&Ms. You ate both of those packages?!

Yes. I let one live though. I licked all of the color off its skin and set it free. He’ll go tell all of the other M&Ms that some crazy sonsofbitches live here! (insert creepy Sweety cackle here)

I just gave him a little kiss and went on to work.

We play fantasy football every year as a family and we’ve been doing it the last few years. It’s fun even though I know doodlysquat about football. I particularly like the weeks where my team wins even though I’ve done no real managing of my team and everyone else knows I’ve done nothing too. Heh.

This morning LB sent a text asking if it was okay to use a curse word in his team’s slogan. I told him that I didn’t care what they said at home as long as they don’t say it in public so in short – have at it boy. He texted me later and told me to go check out his team.

The Honey Badgers: The Honey Badgers Don’t Give A Shit!!

Yes, My heart swelled a little with pride.

We certainly have a fondness for the honey badger around here.

We went to a birthday party today. For a seven year old.

It morphed into the adults playing cornhole in the backyard.

When is a good time to leave the party? When you see that points in the cornhole game are being celebrated with shots of Jagermeister.

Who is conked out on the sofa right now? If you guessed Sweety – you win!

I drove home and by the time I got the car parked he was passed out in an unglorious heap asleep on the living room floor. I went to bed. I woke up awhile later to what sounded like a hippopotamus dying. It was just Sweety. Puking all over the floor. It looks like someone was murdered in the living room.

Yes. I’m looking at puke splashes as I type. All of this carpet is going to be ripped up and replaced within the next few weeks so I’m not cleaning it. I fought the dogs over it as I scraped up the chunky stuff (how weird is it that Oliver won’t taste alcohol out of a cup but he will tear up some Jagermeister and M&M infused upchuck?) and I’m just going to make Sweety cut out the soiled spots when he won’t cut off his finger because he’s drunk wakes up.

FYI – If you have an iPhone? A Ballistic case protects against submersion in puke! Sure, it was gross as hell to clean up for him (as he told me what a good woman I am. heh.) but at least the phone didn’t get fried.

I told him (during a brief conscious moment a bit ago) that he needs to get out of the house with his friends more. I think he was suffering from cabin fever and totally overdid it when he had the chance.

The best part? I get to wake him up at 3:30 a.m. to go to work. I fully expect to see a grown man cry.

Yeah. That’s me sucking an imaginary bag of dicks. That’s about how useful I’ve been lately. I have a metric ton of stuff to blog about but a hard time getting it on here. That trip to Bekah’s four months ago? Yeah, that’s in my noggin. An awesome early gift that Sweety got me for our 10th anniversary? A kick-ass baby blanket someone made? Yes and yes. These things are all banging around in my head.

Oh. Speaking of these things reminds me that I have stuff that needs to be mailed. I dub NEXT Wednesday “get your ass to the post office day”. Let it be written. Let it be known.

And we found out what flavor the Bean is today! A girl! Yay! I’m so pleased. We’re going to name her Sunny, after my Mom.

On the 3rd of this month we took off on a road trip to see Sweety’s Mom in Massachusetts and we got home on the 13th.

We stopped along the way and visited Mount Vernon. There I learned that the Bowling Green wasn’t a nicely groomed lawn where George Washington entertained guests with some version of lawn bowling.

We spent a couple of days at Sweety’s father’s house. That was interesting. I was educated on the fact that I’ve been making sandwiches incorrectly. Apparently, you shouldn’t put mustard on the bread – you should put it on the meat. The look I got from my FIL as I continued to make my sandwich wrong was priceless. And what did the boys say after coming back from their canoeing trip with dear old grandpa? “Wow. We didn’t know grandpa was so racist.” Yes, boys…have an undiluted peeky-poo at grandpa. He’s a gem, eh? There’s a reason that Sweety speaks to him approximately once a year. He was even nice enough to ask if I was pregnant on purpose.

Sweety’s Mom took me maternity clothes shopping! It was great because I just got naked in the dressing room and Sweety ferried clothing back to me to try on. I was planning on just buying a bunch of giant men’s t-shirts to wear but I have to admit, I look better with clothes that fit. When we were visiting her, the boys stayed with her and her husband and Sweety and I were in a hotel. It was nice to be alone. Sweety learned that he can watch sports for two hours while I check out porn on my phone and then I will snap him in half after the lights go out. A good time was had by all.

Bwahahahahaha! I just got off the phone with Sweety and he relayed the following conversation to me. BB went to visit his girlfriend at her house for the first time today.

So, did you kiss her?

BB just smiles.

You did.

Yeah.

How do you know what to do? Do you practice or something?

I’m the master. I take notes.

Huh? How are you the master?

I’ve been watching you and Anna. You kiss whenever you see each other and when you say goodbye. So I figure that’s the thing to do.

I am now desperately hoping that BB didn’t lay one on the girl in front of her mother as he was entering and exiting the house. I’m afraid to ask.