Oh, holy hell, people.

We went to a birthday party today. For a seven year old.

It morphed into the adults playing cornhole in the backyard.

When is a good time to leave the party? When you see that points in the cornhole game are being celebrated with shots of Jagermeister.

Who is conked out on the sofa right now? If you guessed Sweety – you win!

I drove home and by the time I got the car parked he was passed out in an unglorious heap asleep on the living room floor. I went to bed. I woke up awhile later to what sounded like a hippopotamus dying. It was just Sweety. Puking all over the floor. It looks like someone was murdered in the living room.

Yes. I’m looking at puke splashes as I type. All of this carpet is going to be ripped up and replaced within the next few weeks so I’m not cleaning it. I fought the dogs over it as I scraped up the chunky stuff (how weird is it that Oliver won’t taste alcohol out of a cup but he will tear up some Jagermeister and M&M infused upchuck?) and I’m just going to make Sweety cut out the soiled spots when he won’t cut off his finger because he’s drunk wakes up.

FYI – If you have an iPhone? A Ballistic case protects against submersion in puke! Sure, it was gross as hell to clean up for him (as he told me what a good woman I am. heh.) but at least the phone didn’t get fried.

I told him (during a brief conscious moment a bit ago) that he needs to get out of the house with his friends more. I think he was suffering from cabin fever and totally overdid it when he had the chance.

The best part? I get to wake him up at 3:30 a.m. to go to work. I fully expect to see a grown man cry.

10 Comments | In: bwahahahahaha!, husband, my brain needs bleach | | #

There? You hear that sound? It sounds much like nothing?

Yeah. That’s me sucking an imaginary bag of dicks. That’s about how useful I’ve been lately. I have a metric ton of stuff to blog about but a hard time getting it on here. That trip to Bekah’s four months ago? Yeah, that’s in my noggin. An awesome early gift that Sweety got me for our 10th anniversary? A kick-ass baby blanket someone made? Yes and yes. These things are all banging around in my head.

Oh. Speaking of these things reminds me that I have stuff that needs to be mailed. I dub NEXT Wednesday “get your ass to the post office day”. Let it be written. Let it be known.

And we found out what flavor the Bean is today! A girl! Yay! I’m so pleased. We’re going to name her Sunny, after my Mom.

On the 3rd of this month we took off on a road trip to see Sweety’s Mom in Massachusetts and we got home on the 13th.

We stopped along the way and visited Mount Vernon. There I learned that the Bowling Green wasn’t a nicely groomed lawn where George Washington entertained guests with some version of lawn bowling.

We spent a couple of days at Sweety’s father’s house. That was interesting. I was educated on the fact that I’ve been making sandwiches incorrectly. Apparently, you shouldn’t put mustard on the bread – you should put it on the meat. The look I got from my FIL as I continued to make my sandwich wrong was priceless. And what did the boys say after coming back from their canoeing trip with dear old grandpa? “Wow. We didn’t know grandpa was so racist.” Yes, boys…have an undiluted peeky-poo at grandpa. He’s a gem, eh? There’s a reason that Sweety speaks to him approximately once a year. He was even nice enough to ask if I was pregnant on purpose.

Sweety’s Mom took me maternity clothes shopping! It was great because I just got naked in the dressing room and Sweety ferried clothing back to me to try on. I was planning on just buying a bunch of giant men’s t-shirts to wear but I have to admit, I look better with clothes that fit. When we were visiting her, the boys stayed with her and her husband and Sweety and I were in a hotel. It was nice to be alone. Sweety learned that he can watch sports for two hours while I check out porn on my phone and then I will snap him in half after the lights go out. A good time was had by all.

Bwahahahahaha! I just got off the phone with Sweety and he relayed the following conversation to me. BB went to visit his girlfriend at her house for the first time today.

So, did you kiss her?

BB just smiles.

You did.

Yeah.

How do you know what to do? Do you practice or something?

I’m the master. I take notes.

Huh? How are you the master?

I’ve been watching you and Anna. You kiss whenever you see each other and when you say goodbye. So I figure that’s the thing to do.

I am now desperately hoping that BB didn’t lay one on the girl in front of her mother as he was entering and exiting the house. I’m afraid to ask.

32 Comments | In: bwahahahahaha!, gestating, randomness, sprogs, vacation | | #

The honey badger doesn’t give a shit. Honey badger just takes what it wants.

A friend posted this online a couple of nights ago and Sweety and I have watched it so many times that we can quote the whole video. “Look at that sleepy fuck!”

We have also decided that Oliver was a honey badger in a past life due to his extreme craziness in this one.

I hope that none of you experience the creepiness of your Sweety looking down at you while having sex to say, “I wonder how honey badgers do it.”

8 Comments | In: bwahahahahaha! | | #

If we went to school together and you send me a Facebook message and a friend request and I don’t respond and you follow up less than 72 hours later with ANOTHER message saying that you feel like I’m ignoring you? Yes, go with your gut there. Some days I’m all over the internet and sometimes I’m at work. Or hiding in bed. Or just not feeling sociable. Sheesh.

Sometimes I love to push Sweety’s buttons just to watch him get annoyed. The quickest route there? When I say to him, “You know what? I used to feel kind of sick if there was a chance of running into the coaew at one of the boys’ baseball games or at the school. But now that I’ve totally given myself permission to look her in her beady eyes while strolling by and telling her to “fuck off and die”….I’m at peace with myself. It’s nice.” Seriously, people – you don’t know what a relief it was when it hit me that I didn’t have to look at her and even be remotely polite. Sweety said that I’d be stooping to her level and I don’t want to do that. I say I’ve kept my lips zipped for almost a decade. I’m due.

Though, the odds of running into that flaming twatwad are low. She came to one of BB’s baseball games for the first time this year last weekend and people didn’t know who she was. One lady who works with Sweety on the Athletic Association said she didn’t know Sweety had been married before. She just assumed we were an original nuclear family since the boys go to school here and Sweety is a fixture at the school.

The coaew felt the need to leave Sweety a message to let him know it’s turkey hunting season and LB will be busy trying to blast the feathers off of birds this week. The boys are on Spring Break this week. They better enjoy it. I told Sweety since LB is allowed to take something’s life and is damn near my size that he is old enough to become a major workhorse around the house. I’ve been very lax on the boys with what chores I ask them to do but now? I think my floors deserve to be mopped more often than when the time changes and I bet the baseboards would love a good rubdown. I have Sweety’s permission to let LB know that we figured if he’s old enough to kill stuff that he’s old enough to do any household work.

Lucky for BB, he is at our house tonight and tomorrow so he gets first dibs on what chore he doesn’t want to do. I’m not telling him of my plan but I am going to ask him what he likes doing the least and LB will get that one. (You don’t need to tell me I’m an evil stepmother. I’m owning it.)

We have just discovered how much Oliver loves toys that squeak. I’d never purchased him one before because he shreds toys so fast that it’s like throwing money in a hole. But I found a squeaky one on sale and got it for him. Holy shit, batman. He lost his mind. Bwhahahahaha! I just played the video that I’m posting and he heard it and wigged smooth out!

It took him almost 2 hours to kill that toy and that’s a record. Most soft toys die in under 3 minutes. I went back and got him a couple more. I’m going to let him have one tomorrow as a treat. No, I guess I’ll give it to him now so he will shut the hell up.

12 Comments | In: bwahahahahaha!, canines, coaew, grouching | | #