Mom & Stepdad left this morning. Their plane took off at 6:30 so we had to get up a bit before four to get there in time. The early hour helped keep the “goodbye” from being too sad. We were all too tired to be sad. We spent all day at Sea World yesterday and had a ball. It was neat seeing how excited Mom got when she saw things.

Stepdad left us with a gift. A cold. Or something else that’s horrible and lives in your head. I have excreted at least a gallon of mucas in te past 24 hours. Trying to not breathe too deeply because that starts a coughing fit. Hopefully, this shit will go the way of the dinosaurs soon.

Has anyone out there ever had a motherfucking boil? (and if so, how, for the love of Pete - how do you get rid of it? I’ve tried slathering it in baking soda paste and soaking in hot water to no avail.) First time in ever dealing with one. It has its own zip code. If it were in an area that was more easily accessible, I would burn it off with a cooking torch. Hopefully, this shit will go the way of the dinosaurs soon.

Tiny Dog certainly misses having my Mom around. I looked over at Mom while she was at the kitchen table the other night and she had Tiny in her lap. She was tearing turkey into tiny bits and hand-feeding it to Tiny Dog. I swear, the dog stuck her tongue out at me when I made her put her back on the floor. Tiny’s gained at least 2 pounds in the past week.

Oh! Speaking of poundage! I’ve hit my goal!

I knew if I kept hitting the Burger King often enough that I would!

I weighed myself this morning and saw that I broke the big 2-0-0. Woo hoo! Mission accomplished. I’m thinking I can eat my way on into gastric bypass surgery. (end sarcasm here)

At some point last year, Sweety said he was going to start cooking for me so I would eat healthier and try to cheerlead me along. For the record, I wanted no part of that. He didn’t get around to cooking for me but did make some headway in the cheerleading department. It was always nice to see him give me a glare whenever I was eating something that was bad for me or was eating too late in the day. There’s nothing funner than secluding yourself somewhere in the house to eat that’s away from prying eyes. (That was sarcastic too, okay?)

We’re leaving the movies the other day (After I’d eaten popcorn. Holy shit. Don’t go to the movie and eat popcorn! It is evil!)

You’re going to do things differently in the new year! We’re going to do things differently in the new year!

*crickets chirping*

I am going to cook for you! Chicken! You will take it to work and eat that instead of junk food!

Okay. If you pack it. I will eat it.

No more junk! And exercise! You will hate me in the beginning but you will thank me a few months from now!

*yeah, so will my new husband* thought to myself

I know what you’re thinking - “sure, and my new man will thank you when I leave your ass!”, right?

Whoa. You really do know me.

Instead of crash dieting like I’ve done in the past, I’m going to go slow this time. If I could just knock off 10 pounds a month, by this summer, I’d be cute again. And not winded all of the time with creaking knees.

I guess I’ll go wash off this freaking baking soda and check on my baby boil.

14 Comments | In: canines, conversation, husband, tmi | | #

For all purposes, Christmas has been celebrated here. The boys go to their mom’s in the morning so we opened gifts and had Christmas dinner today. I am full as a tick and tired.

I told you all that Sweety got my Mom and Stepdad down here. That was my Christmas gift from him. Well, he got me a couple of other things too that just blew my freaking mind. First, an autographed copy of Gunpowder by Joe Hill. This was on my wishlist at a bookstore I like online and Sweety saw me drooling over it one night. He gives me shit about how much money some books I have cost and I really never thought he’d buy me one. It hasn’t been sent to me yet but I was speechless (I don’t think I’ve ever been speechless before.) when he told me that it would be and showed me the email that confirmed his order.

And next? A marshmallow blaster! It shoots them up to 40 feet! I have been stalking the dogs and family members all afternoon. I’m going to get a piece of foam rubber and cut it out in the shape of a large marshmallow. It will be used to shoot Tiny Dog when she wants to cry at my bedside in the middle of the night.

For once, I managed to get Sweety something for Christmas and he was really surprised. A vintage Shoot the Moon game. His grandparent’s had one when he was a kid and it was the only thing that he wanted from them when their house was being cleaned out. (his grandpa died earlier this year and his grandma had to go live with her son, Sweety’s dad) He couldn’t find it at their house though when all the kids gathered their earlier this year. I managed to snag one on eBay for him that was just like the one they had. Still in the box and everything! Score one for me.

Getting to see my Mom has been great. We’ve eaten our weight in rice and kimchi and taken a nap or two together with Tiny Dog. We’re going to get up and make breakfast in the morning and after the boys leave, laze around and do a bunch of nothing. This has been the nicest week ever.

I need to go and have a piece of pecan pie.

I hope you all have a fantastically merry Christmas!

So do Chi Chi 2.0 and Stinky Dog.

9 Comments | In: canines, husband, woot! | | #

Guess what? Sweety and I have begun the Rebirth Of The Living Room.

This photo shows you what was on the wall. That blue heart border. White on top and tan on bottom. It was here when I moved in and I just wasn’t motivated enough to yank it down.

But Sweety did it for me on Friday night! And he said he doesn’t care how I decorate the living room. I immediately began a booze fueled hunt on eBay for things to put on the walls. This and this arrived today! They are 8×10 and on canvas. I’ll get them framed up soon. And? I have two paintings on the way featuring (drumroll please!)…..WOMBATS! I know you know how much I LOVE WOMBATS. I am most excited.

We always do our Thanksgiving dinner on Wednesday because the boys are at their mother’s on Thursday. We’ve finished dinner and the kitchen is clean. The dishwasher is singing merrily. Tiny Dog and Stinky Dog are snoring with bellies full of mashed potatoes and peas. Have you ever seen a dog eat a plate full of green peas? Hilarious. They kept falling out of Stinky’s mouth and Tiny sucked them up one at a time as they fell out.

I have to freaking work tomorrow because I didn’t request Thanksgiving day off properly in our computer system. Meh. It all works out though because I’m taking that holiday time off on December 23 and my Mom and stepdad will be here then! Fantastical Sweety bought their plane tickets so they could come down! They’ll be here from the 21st through the 28th. I can’t wait! I can’t remember the last time I had a Christmas with my Mom.

Speaking of work…

I don’t like having something shoved down my throat. Sure, it’s nice if someone wants to do a payroll deduction and donate money to a charity. But don’t tell me that it’s sad how selfish people are because they’re not doing that. You don’t know me. You don’t have any idea what I do with my money away from work. On top of that, it’s none of your business. Leave me alone. Dare I say - fuck you?

Ahem. So maybe that’s not the nicest thing to say this time of year when we should all be thankful and sharing. I’m really tired of hearing this though. I actually used to donate to a charity through a payroll deduction but canceled it a couple of years ago after having to attend meetings that were to drum up more donations. It really pissed me off how higher-ups were pushing for them. I decided I’d rather hang on to my money and do something nice for someone when I run across the opportunity.

The turkey coma is descending. It is time to snuggle up on the couch with Stinky and Tiny for a nappy-poo. Nappy-poo? I really just typed that, huh? Nappy-poo.

I hope you all have a nice Thanksgiving!

8 Comments | In: canines, cube farm, daily blah, grouching, randomness | | #

More than six. Dammit.

I found some old videos and I don’t know if they ever made it to blogland or not.

Chi Chi 1.0

How much Sweety loves Tiny Dog

17 Comments | In: canines | | #

He finds it ridiculous that I hold Stinky Dog’s ears back so they don’t fall into her food. I don’t do it when she’s eating regular dog food but will if she has people food. This was some type of guacamole dip. Sweety likes the video but I prefer the still.

10 Comments | In: canines | | #

Have you ever heard that phrase before? Space panties? A friend used to tell me that I was wearing my space (as in outer space) panties when I was in La-La Land. I was wearing them today.

The morning got off to a rocky start when BB brought me his progress report for last week and he had an F in Language Arts. I think he waited to give it to me instead of Sweety because he thought he would get in less trouble. I had to sign the report and while I was waiting for BB to bring me a pen, I made a copy of it. He was surprised to see me copying it so Sweety could go over it when he got home.

All day today, I felt weird. Like coming down with something weird. Light headed. Coughing. Blowing out electric green snot. Sweaty. And I smelled like garlic because I’ve been eating kimchi for the past 3 days and have ingested at least a whole head of garlic. Very attractive!

I pick the boys up from school and tamp down my space pantyness in order to go over BB’s homework (this is the FIRST time he’s ever brought homework home from his Language Arts class. I pretty much told him that I don’t care if he finishes it in class - BRING IT HOME FROM NOW ON!) and encounter a bit of resistance. I love the sullenness that comes over him when I’m correcting his homework. It’s an exciting transformation to see. One moment - a child full of life! The next - a kid who’s acting like you just set his dog on fire. It gave me a headache.

Tiny Dog and I took some asprin (well, I took asprin) and a little nap and now we are good as new!

Sheesh. Sweety and I just had a grown up conversation out of earshot of the boys and he thought I was sitting over here blogging about it. It was one of those conversations that wouldn’t paint him in the best sort of light. I’m offended that he thought I’d immediately hop online to air things that would make him look like a dumbass. I have a wee bit more respect for you than that, Sweety.

Our dogs are still gross though. You can mouseover for descriptions if the photos aren’t exciting enough. The dogs are so tired of me burning out their retinas with the camera flash. Maybe that’s why Tiny is always licking Stinky’s eyes! Maybe the camera flash has made them dry and she’s lubing them up for her. Tiny Dog is a sweetheart like that.

I bought a new camera on eBay last week and I can’t wait for it to get here! It’s my first camera that isn’t a point and shoot. I’ve been busy reading my “D40 For Dummies” book and should be all learned up by the time it gets here. I will be able to use my mad skills to take photos such as the above but they will be even greater! You can never have enough detail when you’re cataloging your dog sniffing a coochie.

10 Comments | In: canines, daily blah, husband, sprogs | | #

It looked like a bunch of drunken frat boys had a party here when I woke up this morning. Newspapers, panties, hair headbands and a package of tortillas littered the house. And I felt like I’d been beaten with a sock full of nickels. Must’ve been the sidewalk.

To add insult to injury, Tiny Dog felt compelled to stick her ass in my face after I was kind enough to let her in the bed. WTF, Tiny? You know that you like to be snuggled under the cover. What on earth made you think that this position would be acceptable? I thought that she was just taking a pit stop on her way under the cover but realized that she was planning on sleeping like this when I felt her snores.

Remember my friend that I asked for you to send send thoughtbeams so she wouldn’t lose her hair during chemo? Chi Chi 2.0 was also on the case too. Unfortunately, the thoughtbeams and Chi Chi’s powers were for naught. Her hair started to come out and I went over to her house on Friday and shaved it all off. That was probably the hardest thing I’ve ever done to another human being. I felt really bad. I was afraid that she was going to get mad in the middle of it and go nuts on me. I’ve mentioned that my default emotion is laughter - I was laughing like a loon while I sheared away and she had her face covered with her hands while trying to keep it together. Truly a Hallmark moment.

I think I figured out why Chi Chi 2.0’s powers didn’t work. It seems that she has been busy starting her own cult. Seeing her like this didn’t worry me. I’ve always known that there was a good sized kernel of evil in her.

But this?

This scared me. I know ye not, Stinky Dog.

11 Comments | In: canines, randomness | | #

Sweety was kind enough to clean the hounds today. He even brushed their teeth with his finger! I keep lifting Stinky Dog’s jowls so I can smell the absence of odor. She was a good dog before the cleaning but she’s a really good dog now. Tiny Dog wasn’t too keen on the tooth brushing. I thought that she was going to have a heart attack from the anger.

My favorite part of dog washing day? Swaddling Tiny up like a baby. I walk out of the bedroom with her and and one of the boys will say, “A baby!” and then I announce, “It’s a girl! She’s a little hairy but we’re gonna love her anyway!” I do this every single time she’s washed. They’re good enough to play along with their crazy ass stepmom.

This was the first Halloween in a few years that I didn’t dress the dogs up. I had some good ideas but didn’t get around to implementing them. We didn’t have the boys at Halloween this year and I had to work so it seemed pointless. But next year…I’ll be ready next year.

I need to get rid of our double shot glasses. There really isn’t anything that I need to drink two shots at a time. Certainly not gin. We have this gigantic bottle of it and I’m ready to finish it so I can buy something else but it’s only half gone. It seems like its been half full forever. Maybe it’s magic. Yes, it must be magical because I had 6 of those glasses last night and didn’t feel too bad this morning once I started moving around.

Last night I dreamt that I bought a spiffy camera and was sad when I woke up and realized it was a dream. I opened my eyes and thought, “Hey! I’m gonna take some pictures!” and a moment later realized that it was a dream. I also did some emailing and phone calling last night. I also hid my bra from myself last night. It took me a damn hour to find it this morning. I woke up a little confused.

Our t.v. is on the fritz. Sweety replaced something in it (the color wheel) to try and make it better but it didn’t help. He thinks the wrong part was mailed to him. The people on the screen had an orange tint to them and it made a really loud humming noise. When he put the new part in - the people were blue but the humming noise was gone. He’s going to try and send the part back. I’d rather look at blue people than hear the t.v. hum.

It’s Science Project time, yet again. LB came up with an invention. Sweety helped him make it. It didn’t work. I told him that he will probably be the only kid to submit something that didn’t work so at least his teacher will know that his parents didn’t do the experiment.

10 Comments | In: canines, daily blah, sprogs | | #

Sweety’s bowling league met yesterday and after the games he went out with his friends. The boys and I went to BB’s baseball game and hung around the house.

I was in bed with a freshly washed, sweet smelling Tiny Dog when Sweety woke us at 1:30 a.m. He was spooned around me and it seemed that he was petting Tiny. “How sweet. Since he thinks I’m asleep, he is showing Tiny that he truly loves her and doesn’t mind that she’s in the bed!”, I thought. Then he started touching my hand that was cupped around Tiny. I figured he was petting me too and decided to continue to pretend that I was asleep to see what else he would do.

He took my hand in his and I thought that he was going to have both of us pet Tiny at the same time. People, what he did next shocked the shit out of me.

He grabbed my pointy finger and swiped it across Tiny Dog’s asshole.

When I yelled, “What! The fuck! Are you doing?” he quickly rolled away and started whimpering something along the lines of, “Please, don’t kill me in my sleep. I don’t know why I did it!”

I guess he’s not kidding when he says that he really hates it when she’s in the bed with us.

24 Comments | In: canines, excuse me while i scream, husband | | #

12 Comments | In: canines, saturday night gratuitous photo | | #

Sweety and I have started doing something new on the weekends that we don’t have the boys. We go to the movies. To two movies. Pay for one and sneak into another. I carefully read the paper to pick the best theater to go to so we can finish up one movie and then walk right in another. This weekend’s picks? Quarantine and Beverly Hills Chihuahua.

Quarantine was Sweety’s idea and I was surprised that he chose it because he doesn’t like scary movies. He spent the entire movie balanced on one butt cheek at a time with his hands twitching all over the place. He said he was tired when it was over. As far as scary goes, it was pretty good. I think I only screamed out loud twice.

Due to the fact that I’m going on week 2 without birth control (for the first time in 17 years because I didn’t get in to see my coochie doctor in a timely manner), my hormones are out of whack and I’ve been very emotional lately. So emotional that I laughed and cried at the extreme silliness of the Chihuahua movie. I love talking animals. And they sang! Oh for the love of all that is good! They sang!

Unless you are a total hormonally unbalanced fruit loop that loves talking animals, Beverly Hills Chihuahua probably isn’t for you. You don’t know what I’d do for a couple dozen Chihuahua puppies that I could snuggle in bed with. Or for my birth control to get here so I could have a good poke.

Oh, hey! I’m on peep-a-lot. Click here and see if you can find me.

14 Comments | In: canines, daily blah, husband | | #