Around Here


Bean wiped her own damned ass at home tonight. She’s been doing it as school for awhile but not here. She did and and exclaimed, “This is really exciting!” Yes. Yes, it is.

She told me today, “Mom, you shine even when the sun isn’t out. You don’t need polish on your toes to sparkle.”

The little jar the flowers are in is about 1.5 inches tall. Really tiny.

tiny arrangement

Bean likes to do “flower arranging”. They pick flowers at school to decorate their classroom tables and she’s started doing it here too. I think it’s cute as hell. Do you know how many tiny piles of dead wildflowers we have blowing around here? All of them that she brings to me clutched in her sweaty little hands.

This is the face of fury.

the fury

Tiny Dog was pissed the fuck OFF because Bean was singing. She doesn’t like to see Bean having a good time. My angry little old lady. I love her so. She’s lost so many teeth that her tongue won’t stay in her mouth. The only reason you don’t see it in that photo is because she had it drawn back to growl properly.

Sad news. Oliver left us in November. He was old and had been having health problems. I miss hearing him sniff around the house all of the time. Sometimes I think I hear his fat feet on the floor. He was batshit crazy but he was a good boy.

the devil you know

Tiny Dog missed him for a hot minute and then turned into a different dog. She still has her grumpy as hell moments but she’s much more laid back now. For a couple of weeks, she’d cry at bedtime but she was also a lot more relaxed during the day. I’ve realized that she wants to be an only dog so we probably won’t be getting another dog anytime soon. I’ll let her live out her life without worrying constantly that another dog might be in her food bowl. She will even let Bean pet her and sometimes carry her around. I about fell over the first time I saw that happening.



It Doesn’t Take Much To Amuse Me


We had a LARGE time at Amy‘s. I’d already met her husband but finally got to meet her kids in person and they were all sweeties. Bean took a shine to her oldest daughter, Katie, and I swear, Bean woke up and said her name the first morning we woke up there.

And the food porn…Sweet, tiny, fatroll-wearing, baby Jesus. We ate goooood. Her husband Mike made some beans that I’ve actually dreamed about since leaving. A breakfast casserole that was so good that I didn’t realize it had chicken abortions eggs in it! Bean ate the hell out of it. Watching Bean snarf down everything she laid eyes on made me realize that I should step up my cooking skills. I probably shouldn’t raise her to adulthood on pasta dishes, Stouffers frozen lasagna, steamed vegetables, and restaurant food.

We left their house on Sunday afternoon and took the scenic way to our hotel for that night. We drove along the coast to get to where we were staying right outside of Los Angeles. Sweety was nice enough to humor me and we drove down Hollywood Boulevard after dark. I like seeing people and lights. If Bean had been awake, I’d have asked him to stop so we could wander around but I didn’t want to wake the sleeping dragon.

Bean played all weekend long with a toy kitchen set. I’d been looking at them a little in the stores and thought she’d be too young for one but she proved me wrong. I lost way too much time looking at them online yesterday before thinking of checking Craigslist. There I found the kickass kitchen that I’d already crossed off of my list due to price and it’s being sold for a third of its retail price AND IT COMES WITH A TINY TABLE AND TWO CHAIRS! Feel my glee! We’re going to pick it up tonight. I hope it’s not a trick and we get serial killed and chopped into pieces.

More Bean and then I’ll knock it off with these photos.

I think this is my favorite one. I love the look on her face and seeing her twitch her fingers and toes.

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See how her fingers and toes are moving?

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I’ve realized that she watches me pick at my cuticles and she’s started too. She’s constantly doing like I do and feeling her fingertips to see if there’s anything rough or uneven on them. To combat this I’ve been lotioning the hell out of my hands and hers. My nails are really flimsy and I’ve started using a strengthener on them and it’s actually working! Horse Power Nail Fertilizer. Over the years I’ve bought lots of different kinds of stuff to make them stronger and none have worked like this does. Color me impressed. Sorry. Got off on a tangent there.

Running away.

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We are having good luck with Bud Light! I had a feeling that he was diabetic or getting that way because of the way he was constantly drinking water and his pee was toxic and he was going to pee all the damned time. A little over a month ago, I put him on a very strict eating schedule and started some new food that’s high in protein as well as grain free. He gets fed and takes his anti-seizure pill every twelve hours. (To be certain he was having blood sugar issues, I’d have had to have held his bitey ass down and pricked him to read his blood sugar after every meal and I’m just not down with that. Even if he isn’t diabetic, this diet is still good for him.) For the most part he has started sleeping through the night! Woot!

When I really looked at it, I realized that since one can of new food lasts two days it’s actually a little cheaper than the stuff he was eating before. When I buy dog food, I always look online for sales or coupons and this is one food that never has either. I figure the hairy little bastard had a rough enough time of it for a long while so at the very least, I can feed him well. Especially since he gets no table food scraps anymore.

He also had his first toenail trim of his LIFE a couple of weeks ago. At Mom’s he stayed inside but went to the bathroom in litter in the garage and walking on the concrete in there kept his nails filed down. No concrete here and he was growing talons. I’d taken him to the vets office awhile back for a groom but he was too snappy and they couldn’t even get him out of the cage to groom him. So I took him to the petstore and just handed him to the groomer who immediately muzzled him. Guess who become docile and sweet as pie when you bind his teeth up? Yes. They were even able to bathe him and when I went to get him, he was sitting unmuzzled in a fluffy towel getting some love from the groomer. Mission accomplished. (I will admit that I did break the no-table-food rule after the groom and got him some french fries. I felt he deserved something special after having his mouth taped shut while someone cleaned his ears and asshole.) I love him a lot more when he’s not a grubster keeping me awake all night.



A Breakthrough?


BudLight is a little terrorist.

I keep reminding myself that he’s 119 in people years and that not having Mom around must be really different for him too and that moving out of the only house he’d ever been in and learning to pee on grass must have been confusing. But sometimes, I take his shitty attitude personally.

I had a total and utter meltdown at about 4:30 a.m. Thursday morning. He yapped at me to get up for him 5 times that I remember from 1 a.m. until then. Sweety was sleep-talking (I didn’t know it at the time. I thought he was dispensing shitty advice in the dark.) and telling me how I should handle him. Sweety was not offering to make sure Bean didn’t roll out of bed while I tended to that barking asshole so I was carrying her around with me. I fed BudLight. I petted him. I took him outside every time he yapped at me. I put him in the crate and placed him in our room, thinking he was lonely. All to no avail. I flipped the fuck out and put him in the trunk of my car. I figured that people have been kidnapped and didn’t smother in the trunk so he’d be okay for a couple of hours. I felt like if I heard his tiny yip one more time that I would have a stroke.

(Which might not have been too far off of the mark. I happened to take my blood pressure that day while at the pharmacy and it was so high that it wasn’t in any of the zones that they tell you about on the chart. Sweety made me go to the fire station and get it taken yesterday in case the pharmacy’s machine was off and it was even higher there. When I went to my doctor’s yesterday evening and told her how high it read she was surprised that the firemen didn’t make me go to the emergency room. I guess I’m feeling pretty high strung. I had high bp for years but after having Bean it went down to where it was supposed to be. The extra stress I’ve had seems to be making it go up again.)

Sweety did wake up when I came into the room laughing hysterically while crying and snotting all over the place.

What’s wrong? Where is Bud? Is he okay?
He’s in my trunk.
You. Put the dog. In your trunk?
Yes.
You wanted to put him in the trunk?
Yes.
Then why are you crying?
I don’t knooooowwwww! I feel bad. Physically fucking bad. And I feel bad that I truly held that fucking cage in my hands and almost threw him in the pool.
He was still alive when you put him in the trunk?
Yes.
Then go to sleep.

BudLight was just fine in the trunk. You’d think he’d learn a lesson from being placed in solitary confinement but you’d be wrong. As soon as I cracked the lid he started to scream at me.

Yesterday I decided to kill him with kindness. I decided he’s 17 years old. If he wants to eat wet dog food as his main staple that I will let him. And I decided to feed him a full meal the first time he wakes me up at night. Last night he woke me at 3:30 and he got wet dog food and mashed potatoes. He yapped again about an hour later and I took him outside. The next time he yapped, I ignored him and he didn’t get carried away – he went back to sleep. I didn’t go back to sleep after 3:30 a.m. I laid in the dark, quivering while waiting for him to scream his shrill fucking bark at me. I finally went back to sleep when the sun came up.

Shit I Googled instead of getting out of bed last night and killing him:

why does dog bark at night
dog aromatherapy
safely chloroform
dog psychic
humanely putting dog to sleep DIY
marijuana for dogs

In the light of day, I decided that dog aromatherapy would be the most civilized way to go for now. I picked up this calming collar for him today. I had to wrestle him and avoid his snapping jaws to put it on him but maybe it was worth it.

Calm?

Normally he screams at me from the moment I get a bowl to feed him until he’s gobbling it down. I fed him about 10 minutes after getting the collar on him and not a peep from him! I’m hoping that the collar is working in the manner intended and not something he’s allergic to and he’s dying from the fumes and is too weak to bark. Doesn’t seem to be the case.

Right now he has free rein around the house and instead of tap-dancing all over the place nervously – he’s asleep in his bed. Maybe this thing will save his life and keep me from being an evil person.



Dogicide


BudLight woke me no fewer than 7 times from the hours of midnight and 7 a.m.

I think he’s lonely at night. I still want to kill him. During the day, he sleeps and doesn’t want attention. I might poke him awake every time he tries to sleep today.

Right now, Oliver is barking at his FULL food bowl like it’s a wild animal, BudLight is screaming at me for reasons undetermined, and Tiny is still hiding in bed. In this morning’s horrible fantasy, Tiny Dog lives. The other two get crammed into a dog carrier for a swim in the pool.

To make up for this bad thought, I’ll give those barking assholes a treat before I leave the house.

Tonight I’m going to try showering BudLight with attention before bed so maybe he won’t feel the need to wake my ass up for it. (Ha! I thought it was an inconvenience when he was waking me up every two hours! It didn’t occur to me that he’d start doubling that!)

Between him barking all night long and Bean nursing, I am very tired. I might be seeing things.