At the end of December she scared the hell out of me when she got sick. When Sweety took her to the vet he mentioned some other behaviors she’d been exhibiting and the vet told him that she was just getting old and things like that were going to start happening and we would have to be ready to do what we needed to when the time came.

Well, I’m not ready for death time yet and I’ve gone to extreme measures to make sure she eats.

For a few months, she would happily suck down her dry dog food if it was mixed with wet dog food. Then she quit eating it. I knew that she would starve if I tried the “you’ll eat when you’re good and hungry” strategy so I started mixing her food with potted meat. You know, that canned shit that is sold in grocery stores. Grocery stores for people. Do you know what kind of look you get if you go into Wallyworld at 9 o’clock on a Friday night and buy 30 cans of potted meat? A weird one.

We rocked along on the Potted Meat/Dog Food So Nutritious I Could Eat It Diet for awhile. Then she flat quit eating it. (I don’t blame her. That potted meat is fucking gross.) So I moved on to canned tuna because I happened to have a ton of it that I’d bought on sale but when I found some tiny bones while eating it I couldn’t eat it any more. And that worked for awhile.

Guess what I’m doing now? Cooking for her.

One big pot of people food does her for about a week and then she’s ready for something new. (Conveniently, one big pot of food happens to last her a week.) We’ve done beans & rice, canned veggies (she wasn’t crazy about those so we won’t do them again), spaghetti and starting tomorrow it’s macaroni & cheese. Then I’ll start the rotation over with beans & rice because I have a big box of it in the pantry. The week after it’s Cheeseburger Hamburger Helper (minus the meat and milk).

I’d like to point out so Sweety doesn’t kill me that all of the foods I’ve been giving her are things that were on a giant sale. So basically she’s going to nosh on whatever is the special of the week. I can’t believe that I actually scour the grocery store shelves, looking for shit on sale that would be sticky enough to mix with dog food because if it’s not sticky she will just pick out the human food and leave the dog food behind.

Why do I have a feeling that I’ve been manipulated by Stinky Dog?

And Oliver….sweet…perfect…Oliver…

See that? That thing on the floor in front of Oliver’s back feet? That would be weenie sheath. Weenie sheath that touches my floor every time he stands still.

I’d like to get a bandage to wrap around his middle to keep it off the ground. I wonder if I could use some kind of strong tape to yank the skin on his middle up and that would lift it off the floor? Like a facelift but for his abdomen…

I don’t like seeing it touch the floor. Luckily, he does not have any little public hairs sprouting out of the top of it or I would pluck them to try and keep the area more sanitary. Don’t ask me how I happen to know that he’s hairless down there. Ahem.

I’m waffling between, “What is that crazy bitch doing?” and “I’m gonna hit that!”

Here he is fighting for his blankie. We’ll wrap his toy in the blanket and then he’ll find it. If he can’t get to it easily then he will just chew through the blanket to get the toy.

I turned around to this. Sometimes Sweety scares me.

He’s started running in to steal Stinky Dog’s food. The barking. For the love of Pete, the barking. If I don’t do what he’s wanting RIGHT NOW then the barking starts. And after about 15 seconds Stinky Dog joins. Then you hear Tiny Dog screaming. It’s like they’re all in my head.

I’m trying to be sneakier about feeding them. If they know I’m feeding them then it’s 10 minutes from start to finish with the barking. If I sneak out of bed in the morning I can get a headstart on them. Then when I come home at night I tiptoe around to fill their bowls before they realize that I’m home.

Helps keep my eardrums intact.

But if we’re keeping score – Tiny is Alpha. For now.

I took the opportunity to go back to my doctor’s office to get the fucking cough that’s been around since August tended to. He gave me something that will hopefully stop the coughing (He said it might take a few days to work. whatever. I’m not hopeful.) and I’m going to get a chest x-ray and scan of my sinus cavity. I told him that I didn’t think I’d ever poked a bean in there but maybe I had and it was festering and making me sick. I really hope they see something with all of this. Because if they don’t then I think I will cough forever.

And I stayed home today. *cough* *cough* I’m cleaning a little and realized that the vacuum is gone. Do you know how often I actively seek out the vacuum cleaner? Like once in a blue moon. I’m guessing that Sweety took it to work with him to clean up there.

Oh people, I almost wigged out on the boys yesterday. I got home an hour early. Sweety wasn’t home. (The boys had to walk home from school a couple of days this week because he couldn’t get off in time to pick them up.) BB is in the front yard playing basketball (um, how many times have I told them to stay inside the freaking house if they’re home alone?!) and LB is there with him, shoeless. (I have a big problem with them running around shoeless. This stems from the numerous times they’ve come home from the coaew’s house with cuts on their feet or other things that they’re bitching about that could have been prevented with foot coverings.)

I feel bad that they’ve been home alone and instead of cooking ask what they want. Taco Bell. We load up in the car and during the drive it comes up that they have not let the dogs out to potty since they’ve been home from school. I was immediately so pissed off that I wanted to kick them out of my car and let them walk the last few blocks home. So you played video games in my bedroom while Stinky & Tiny howled their heads off in the adjoining bathroom and Oliver pranced at your feet? Poor Stinky Dog completely messed her bed and it’s been disinfecting all night.

For crying out fucking loud. I had no idea that I needed to tell them to let the dogs out when they came home from school. They know that they should do that!

They are going to be here this weekend and I knew if I freaked the fuck out that it would make the whole weekend shit. So I’m sweeping it under the rug. This weekend I am getting a dry erase marker and writing the things that I want them to do every day after school on the icebox. They will probably get more chores than they would have yesterday morning because I’m still pissed about them ignoring the dogs.

Tonight I’m going to put on my glitter eyeshadow and ride with Sweety to the bowling alley where I will probably drink a lot and subject everyone to my music on the jukebox. I’m beyond ready!

The reason I’m able to wear my glitter eyeshadow? I’ve been thinking for two weeks that I lost my whole makeup box but noticed it when I was taking the above photo of Oliver. I’d just stashed it away for some odd reason.

The only thing that has lasted so far is a racquetball. It took him 10 days to finally gnaw through it. Luckily, they come in cans of three.

Oliver? The best dog ever? Who has only been with us for nine days? Has already learned to ring the bell that is hanging from the doorknob with his nose when he needs to go potty. Perhaps Stinky and Tiny will follow his lead. Highly unlikely. AND he will roll over on command and when you give a short whistle he’ll flop onto his back to show you his belly. He is made of awesome.

I nibbled off all of my nails today at work. It gave me something to do and by the time I was done almost 2 hours had passed. Maybe tomorrow I will pluck my eyebrows off to help pass the time.

Something I like? Getting a nice email from someone saying that they liked my photos and they did NOT include a photo of their penis or mention whacking off. Very civilized.

It’s been cold here, people. I saw ice on the ground the other morning and gave it a few kicks while trying to figure out what the hell it was because I hadn’t seen ice outside in over 8 years. At first, I thought they were some sort of clear berries on the grass.

There is a chance of snow flurries here this weekend. WTF? I bitch all the damned time about how hot it is and now that it’s cold I don’t have any climate appropriate clothing. I’m just walking around freezing and angry. It will pass soon enough.

The pants that I’ve been wearing to work for the past few years blew out on me Thursday. I spent all day waddling around with my jacket yanked down to hide my pink panties that were glaring through the rip in the seat. Time to go get a new pair of pants for my “work uniform”. Work uniform consists of a pair of khakis and 4 striped shirts that I rotate through. I don’t give a damn what I look like at the salt mine. As long as I don’t stink I don’t think anyone should care about my lack of fashion.

Speaking of work! I have all my vacation time squared away for the year! We’re going to Las Vegas for a week, Reno for a weekend (Sweety has to bowl there) and then my trip home in the summer. I. Can’t. Wait. I keep touching the days that are marked off on the calendar when I’m at work to remind myself that there are good things coming that will get me out of there for awhile.

Oliver continues to delight us. Tiny Dog woke up at around 4 the other morning and seemed to realize that he was a permanent houseguest and proceeded to scream at the top of her lungs for 3 hours. I’d go into the bathroom to see if she wanted to go outside and she’d roll onto her back and show me her belly while trying to be cute.

Part of me wanted to shove my foot into her soft belly and wear her as a slipper to keep one foot warm while I took the other dogs outside.

To the kill shelter!

He has never agreed to go before when I asked. Today he did. We weren’t looking for a new pet. I just wanted an excuse to cry.

This was the first little guy we laid eyes on.

He’s about 5 years old and still acts like a puppy. He’ll fetch a tennis ball and put it down at your feet when you tell him to drop it! He’s housebroken! And, most importantly, Tiny Dog did NOT explode into a ball of doggy fury when she met him. All three of the dogs have done the butt-sniff thing and there hasn’t been any biting yet. They all squirmed around together on the carpet for some petting and have all retreated to their own corners to sleep.

I am so pleased.

He has a blister or boil on his toe and it looks like he’d had some sort of skin problem in the past because the fur on his backside is patchy. We will get those things squared away when I take him to our vet on Wednesday.

And I have to say a huge, “Thank you!” to Sweety. I have a lot of pull around here but he could have vetoed Oliver. Sweety is also going to brave the pet store tomorrow to get the cat, Girl, vaccinated for rabies. Um, we’re really bad pet owners because she has never been vaccinated. When she started hanging around years ago, Sweety trapped her and had her spayed but other than that we never fooled with her because she was too antsy.

In order to have Oliver, we have to get her vaccinated. So Sweety is going to wrangle her into a cage tomorrow and stand in line at a shot clinic to get her taken care of. Hopefully, she will not unleash her claws of fury and slash everyone to death. If she doesn’t kill innocent people tomorrow, I promise to be a responsible pet owner and get her vaccinated on a regular basis.

Tiny Dog was guarding Stinky in full attack mode Monday morning. It seemed like she knew something was wrong and was snapping at Sweety when he tried to pet Stinky. Either she was feeling protective of her or she knew Stinky was at Death’s door and wanted first dibs on eating her body.