The people on Extreme Couponing get on my nerves. What is the point in hoarding more toothpaste than you can use in a lifetime?

Oliver is a teetotaler. To the point that he will run if Sweety walks towards him with an empty beer bottle at his level.

Tiny Dog will bite your hand off to sniff that same bottle.

I’m so broken out that Sweety said that touching me was like reading braille.

If I would have known that Sweety would get a window unit air conditioner for our bedroom because he wants his “baby mama” (as he so lovingly calls me) to sleep comfortably? We’d have a third-grader already. I love sleeping in a cooler!

When Oliver passes gas now, while I’m gagging I say thanks for the fact that his guts are working and he’s not bloated. I never thought I’d be glad to smell something so bad that it makes me gag.

BB’s first date went well. There was an issue where he didn’t contact us when we told him to but Sweety had a “come to Jesus” meeting and that shouldn’t happen in the future. And if it does, I’m going to smash his cell phone into eleventy billion pieces and he will never leave the house again.

LB went to his first school dance Friday night. We didn’t realize he was planning on going until Thursday. He’d refused to go to any of the other dances during the school year and we were very surprised to learn that he purchased a ticket to go to this one. He said he wanted to so since it was the last dance of the year. It was only for 8th graders. He wore his nice clothes (slacks, long-sleeved shirt & tie) and didn’t call us to come get him until it was all over. When he got in the car, he had a string of Mardi Gras type beads around his neck. It took everything in me to not ask him if he showed his tits for them. He was pretty embarrassed that Sweety was asking him about dancing with girls. I didn’t want to make it worse.

14 Comments | In: canines, randomness, sprogs | | #

The dreadful bloat that killed Stinky Dog? Oliver had a little brush with it the other night. Luckily I was able to force-feed his ass some Maalox and his stomach didn’t flip. When I win the lottery, he’s going to get surgery done to staple his stomach down so I never have to worry about this. We woke up to a sea of foamy vomit in our bedroom and he was pacing around. His stomach wasn’t distended at all and it looked like the early stage of bloat so I Maaloxed him and waited. He quit puking and calmed down and went to sleep. I didn’t go to sleep. I got up every 15 minutes or so to jab him in the belly to make sure it wasn’t hard and that he was still alive. It was a fun night for all.

We are now extra careful to keep Oliver from getting so excited that he quickly does two backflips in a row, causing his guts to get jumbled. Weenie dogs aren’t built for acrobatics. Part of me wants to give him a lobotomy so he’ll calm down and be a little doggy vegetable so I don’t have to worry about this. But, The Crazy is part of his charm. He takes after his Mama.

We got to see the Bean a couple of weeks ago. You can see the mass that is the baby here, if you’d like. The due date is 11/11/11. Sweety is very pleased with the due date and has instructed me to hold the baby in until then. I’ll see what I can do for him.

Besides the baby percolating, we’ve got lots of shit going on around here. I’m trying to stay conscious and not sleep all the time so I don’t have to deal with it but being awake is hard.

BB passed the exam to do dual enrollment next year. This means he can take college classes as part of his high school curriculum. This means that he needs a method of transportation to get to the college. This means that we get to fund that along with a hike in insurance. Yay! But, I’m glad that he is able to do this. I think it’ll be a good thing for him.

And Sweety’s job is kind of up in the air. I’m trying to not think about that. Hopefully, all will be well but we won’t know for a couple of months. Yay for waiting! Worst case scenario is I keep working and Sweety stays at home with the Bean. Best case scenario is he keeps his job and I’m able to quit mine next summer. The idea of getting to quit my job almost makes me weep with happiness.

Oh! Speaking of my job! A week or so ago someone fired a gun at the building. Nice. There’s a bullethole in the wall nearest to my desk (on the 2nd floor – the dug the bullet out of one of our chairs) and they shot through a window on the first floor. We had a meeting a couple of days ago where we were told that we could get in serious trouble for using the phrases, OMG, Oh my god, Oh my goodness, Oh my word, Oh my ANYTHING used in place of the word god because we may offend someone (and I don’t mean using the phrases with customers – I mean using the phrases out loud in the building anywhere) but for BULLETS coming into the building they told us to keep calm and carry on. Oooookay…

Will you do me a favor and click here to vote for Bekah’s kid? She’s cute and I love her. All you have to do is click the “vote” button. No signing up or filling out anything.

18 Comments | In: canines, gestating, randomness | | #

My breaks were moved around at work yesterday, so I went four hours from first break to lunch and lunch was 7 hours into my 10 hour shift instead of the usual 5.5. I was hungry and a sinus headache was residing in my head and there were two more hours to go until I could safely leave my desk. I had a couple of packets of Alka-Seltzer in my desk but no water for them. I remembered a scene from a movie I saw last weekend where an animated character ate one without water or any fanfare.

Hey! I can do that!

I decided that breaking the tablets into quarters and putting one quarter at a time in my left cheek squirrel-style would be the way to proceed. It was okay until my phone rang and I started talking. The sudden flow of saliva caused the Alka-Seltzer to quickly foam up and run down the left side of my face. It’s hard to deliver excellent customer service while shielding your new rabid look from coworkers while trying to not foam into your microphone because you damn sure don’t want the customer to ask, “What’s that fizzing sound?”

Lesson learned: Don’t do shit you see in the movies. Especially a cartoon.

BB had two baseball games about an hour away today. Last week, a couple of his teammates parents asked Sweety if he could bring their kids home from the game because they couldn’t stay for both. Sweety said sure and had to make a special trip to the school to fill out some paperwork since he’d be transporting students from a school event.

Sweety and I both have little cars. Honda Civics. We decided instead of cramming 600 pounds of sweaty teenage boy into the backseat of one of our cars for the ride home that we’d each take a car. Sweety and the boys in one (since they had to be there extra early to warm-up) and I’d follow along in Penelope.

We watch the games and after they were over we decided that I would go ahead to the restaurant we were eating at to get a table. Sweety calls me on my way there and tells me that it’ll just be us and BB – the kids we were supposed to bring had made other arrangements or their parents stayed or whatever – one of the parents told Sweety after the game that he was “off the hook” and didn’t have to take the boys home. Sweety said he just bit back telling her that it would have been nice to know that before the game so his family wouldn’t have driven two cars an hour away. I told him from now on to politely decline any inquiries of being a taxi.

Sweety met the coaew somewhere to drop off BB and then met me at home where we promptly fell asleep across the bed. Well, I slept and Sweety watched the television and snoozed. The dogs were docile beside the bed. I woke up full of beans and kicked took the dogs out to do their business.

I heard Oliver barking ferociously and wondered what the hell was going on. Yes, when I let the dogs out I sometimes don’t even look outside but just open the door while they scoot out to be devoured by chupacabra.

This was what I saw.

Here. Let me tweak that for you.

I leave the porch door open and the bird had wandered in for a snooze. I was really glad that Oliver hadn’t noticed it until he was on the other side of the porch and the screen was between him and the bird because I’m pretty sure he’d have reduced it to a mess of feathers.

Sweety keeps some plants on the porch and the bird tried to land on one but it the plant stalk didn’t support its weight. The bird bounced off the table and onto the floor but recovered and took flight before Oliver reached it. Luckily, it made it off the porch without flying into something and breaking its neck.

While the melee was going on, Tiny Dog was daintily waiting to be let back into the house. She doesn’t give a damn about birds or anything outside. I think it tired her to watch the excitement because she went back to sleep and hasn’t twitched since. She’s a great lap warmer.

5 Comments | In: canines, cube farm, daily blah | | #

If we went to school together and you send me a Facebook message and a friend request and I don’t respond and you follow up less than 72 hours later with ANOTHER message saying that you feel like I’m ignoring you? Yes, go with your gut there. Some days I’m all over the internet and sometimes I’m at work. Or hiding in bed. Or just not feeling sociable. Sheesh.

Sometimes I love to push Sweety’s buttons just to watch him get annoyed. The quickest route there? When I say to him, “You know what? I used to feel kind of sick if there was a chance of running into the coaew at one of the boys’ baseball games or at the school. But now that I’ve totally given myself permission to look her in her beady eyes while strolling by and telling her to “fuck off and die”….I’m at peace with myself. It’s nice.” Seriously, people – you don’t know what a relief it was when it hit me that I didn’t have to look at her and even be remotely polite. Sweety said that I’d be stooping to her level and I don’t want to do that. I say I’ve kept my lips zipped for almost a decade. I’m due.

Though, the odds of running into that flaming twatwad are low. She came to one of BB’s baseball games for the first time this year last weekend and people didn’t know who she was. One lady who works with Sweety on the Athletic Association said she didn’t know Sweety had been married before. She just assumed we were an original nuclear family since the boys go to school here and Sweety is a fixture at the school.

The coaew felt the need to leave Sweety a message to let him know it’s turkey hunting season and LB will be busy trying to blast the feathers off of birds this week. The boys are on Spring Break this week. They better enjoy it. I told Sweety since LB is allowed to take something’s life and is damn near my size that he is old enough to become a major workhorse around the house. I’ve been very lax on the boys with what chores I ask them to do but now? I think my floors deserve to be mopped more often than when the time changes and I bet the baseboards would love a good rubdown. I have Sweety’s permission to let LB know that we figured if he’s old enough to kill stuff that he’s old enough to do any household work.

Lucky for BB, he is at our house tonight and tomorrow so he gets first dibs on what chore he doesn’t want to do. I’m not telling him of my plan but I am going to ask him what he likes doing the least and LB will get that one. (You don’t need to tell me I’m an evil stepmother. I’m owning it.)

We have just discovered how much Oliver loves toys that squeak. I’d never purchased him one before because he shreds toys so fast that it’s like throwing money in a hole. But I found a squeaky one on sale and got it for him. Holy shit, batman. He lost his mind. Bwhahahahaha! I just played the video that I’m posting and he heard it and wigged smooth out!

It took him almost 2 hours to kill that toy and that’s a record. Most soft toys die in under 3 minutes. I went back and got him a couple more. I’m going to let him have one tomorrow as a treat. No, I guess I’ll give it to him now so he will shut the hell up.

12 Comments | In: bwahahahahaha!, canines, coaew, grouching | | #