Sweety had to get a physical for insurance purposes and a nurse came to the house this morning. He looked a little green around the gills after she drew blood and she asked him if he wanted to go lie down. On his way to the bedroom he fainted. Sweety’s a rather tall fellow and it was a long way down. I think the nurse is an idiot and shouldn’t have suggested that he get up from the chair he was in to walk across the damned room until he felt a bit better. I’m glad he didn’t crack his jughead open.

When I was in Oklahoma, a friend of mine from school (also my cousin. but, we are almost all related in that little town) went with me to pick out fabric for the Bean’s room.

She’s going to make the bedding set for the crib and a curtain AND a canopy! A canopy! For a baby girl! Heeheeheehee! Pardon my excitement. The more patterned stuff (the paisley and stuff with flowers on it) will be used as little accent bits. I think it’s all going to come together nicely.

And here was the Bean as of July 12…

Supposedly, she was almost 22 weeks along there. I think the doctor is a week off though and she would have been around 21. I went at getting pregnant with some super precision and I’m pretty sure I can tell you when I got the poke that knocked me up.

BB is having his wisdom teeth taken out tomorrow. General anesthesia. I was going to go (that’s why it was scheduled for my day off) but I think I’m going to skip it. The coaew will be there and I know that Sweety is very nervous about having to sit in a room with us for a couple of hours after I told him awhile back that the next time she so much as looked at me that I was going to tell her to shut up. As much as I love seeing humans and animals as medication is wearing off, I’m going to do Sweety a favor and stay home.

Got no sleep Sunday night because I’d wake up needing to puke every hour and 45 minutes when the stuff I’d rubbed on my back wore off and ended up not going to work on Monday. I hid in the bed with a heating pad until everything started to feel a little better.

Now I’m living in fear that the pinched nerve will come back and fuck my day up.

The coaew sent Sweety some really awesome texts Sunday night! I’m glad that I was too occupied with myself to give them too much inspection. As it was, I read her drivel and laughed like a hyena and told Sweety to delete that shit because I knew I didn’t need to read it later when I had the energy to get good and mad. The boys had told us that they wanted to play baseball this summer. This would entail them being here a lot more than at her house and they were okay with that. (for the record, Sweety had a conversation with the coaew about summer baseball and she said if they wanted to play and be over here more that it was okay) We didn’t push them to play, just let them know they could if they wanted to. I guess LB said something to his mother about how it was too hot and he didn’t want to play (this was after he told Sweety that he wanted to try out). The fried cunt calls Sweety at work and is rambling on and when he tries to explain to her the conversation he had with the boys she tells him to not take it out on her if he’s having a bad day. So he hung up on her because it appeared that the conversation had run its course. That’s when the text messages started blowing up his phone.

The point she was trying to make (or I think anyway. it seems that her phone doesn’t have a spellcheck and she isn’t familiar with many basic grammar rules) was that just because the boys only saw her on weekends didn’t mean that they didn’t share information with her and that Sweety needs to not push them.

And she hopes when the boys are grown that they will see all she sacrificed for them. That bitch hasn’t sacrificed shit. I’m sorry that she married the first sucker that would have her and had to move an hour away from where they go to school and it’s not feasible for her to pick them up and bring them to school every day. (when it was suggested to her that the boys stay here during the school week – she sure didn’t have any alternate suggestion) She doesn’t sacrifice any time for them because if something they are doing interferes with her other life then they get shuttled to the side. She damn sure doesn’t sacrifice any money. She bitches that it would cost $5 for her to watch them play in a game but that dingbat has never paid for anything they do. The boys can thank me and my insurance for their straight teeth, thank you very much.

Dudes. Seriously. When the boys DON’T play sports? It’s a whole fucking lot easier around here. Does she think we LIKE running all over central Florida in the heat? Burning up gas and weekends to see them sometimes only play a tiny bit of a game? Honestly, I’d rather poke my bad eye out than deal with baseball season. Not to mention the money that’s involved with paying for them to play along with the equipment! We do it because they ask to play. There have been seasons where they didn’t play because they didn’t want to. BB is at an age where I think he really likes doing extracurricular activities because it gives him the chance to hang out with his friends. And LB is going into high school next year so if he makes this summer team – he will know some people besides his brother when school starts.

Anyhoo. Both boys said last night that they were trying out today. I expect if LB makes the team that the coaew will bitch to Sweety about making her kid play in the heat. Whatever. Oh! And the last text she sent after ranting? Was about how excited LB was that Sweety was going to mount his first deer.

I swear, if a fucking deer head shows up in the garage that I will eat its nose so it’s not pretty anymore and then wipe my ass all over it.

Sometimes I love to push Sweety’s buttons just to watch him get annoyed. The quickest route there? When I say to him, “You know what? I used to feel kind of sick if there was a chance of running into the coaew at one of the boys’ baseball games or at the school. But now that I’ve totally given myself permission to look her in her beady eyes while strolling by and telling her to “fuck off and die”….I’m at peace with myself. It’s nice.” Seriously, people – you don’t know what a relief it was when it hit me that I didn’t have to look at her and even be remotely polite. Sweety said that I’d be stooping to her level and I don’t want to do that. I say I’ve kept my lips zipped for almost a decade. I’m due.

Though, the odds of running into that flaming twatwad are low. She came to one of BB’s baseball games for the first time this year last weekend and people didn’t know who she was. One lady who works with Sweety on the Athletic Association said she didn’t know Sweety had been married before. She just assumed we were an original nuclear family since the boys go to school here and Sweety is a fixture at the school.

The coaew felt the need to leave Sweety a message to let him know it’s turkey hunting season and LB will be busy trying to blast the feathers off of birds this week. The boys are on Spring Break this week. They better enjoy it. I told Sweety since LB is allowed to take something’s life and is damn near my size that he is old enough to become a major workhorse around the house. I’ve been very lax on the boys with what chores I ask them to do but now? I think my floors deserve to be mopped more often than when the time changes and I bet the baseboards would love a good rubdown. I have Sweety’s permission to let LB know that we figured if he’s old enough to kill stuff that he’s old enough to do any household work.

Lucky for BB, he is at our house tonight and tomorrow so he gets first dibs on what chore he doesn’t want to do. I’m not telling him of my plan but I am going to ask him what he likes doing the least and LB will get that one. (You don’t need to tell me I’m an evil stepmother. I’m owning it.)

We have just discovered how much Oliver loves toys that squeak. I’d never purchased him one before because he shreds toys so fast that it’s like throwing money in a hole. But I found a squeaky one on sale and got it for him. Holy shit, batman. He lost his mind. Bwhahahahaha! I just played the video that I’m posting and he heard it and wigged smooth out!

It took him almost 2 hours to kill that toy and that’s a record. Most soft toys die in under 3 minutes. I went back and got him a couple more. I’m going to let him have one tomorrow as a treat. No, I guess I’ll give it to him now so he will shut the hell up.

I’m livid.

I’m livid and trying to ignore it so the fury doesn’t consume me. Not my kid. Not my kid. Not my kid. Maybe if I repeat that shit enough it will sink in.

LB told Sweety several months ago that he wanted to hunt and Sweety told him to remember that it’s not all fun and games. That when you’re done you’ve taken something’s life and you can’t unring that bell. LB cried a little. I hoped that he’d decide to not kill animals that you spend weeks feeding only to hide in a tree close to the feeding station so you can blow them to smithereens.

This weekend he cut his finger opening some kind of packet to hold onto to keep his hands warm while he was in the deer stand. He fainted. Mighty Killer Hunter Stepdad caught him before he fell out of the motherfucking tree stand.

LB gets home last night and we have to tear the house up looking for antibiotic cream for the cut. WE HAVE TO TEAR THE HOUSE UP LOOKING FOR ANTIBIOTIC CREAM FOR THE CUT. Wouldn’t it have been nice if the coaew would have sent something like that over since he was injured on her watch? OF COURSE IT WOULD HAVE BEEN NICE! But, she is a stunned cunt and can’t think of such niceties.

What irks me the most? The coaew has done nothing (nothing, no really, I’m not exaggerating.) out of her way to take part in any of the boys’ field trips or extracurricular for the past decade. The ONE damned thing that she leads LB to and wants to “help” him with involved killing. How fucked up is that?

Sweety got me some kickass shoes a few couple of weeks ago and I told him to not get me anything for Christmas because that would be my gift. Sweety is an awesome gift giver. The lovely ring in 2007 and signed book and marshmallow gun of 2008 were real surprises. He’s also been great about having my friends and family come down to visit too. I was expecting nothing to open on Christmas morning but when things started appearing under the tree, I couldn’t help but wonder what they were.

I was super excited to see Sweety open his gifts because I’d been listening all year whenever he said that he wanted something (Even to his sleep talking. He gave me gift ideas in his sleep.) and I had found it all. All at good prices and some things that could only be found online.

Let me set the scene: This was the night of Christmas Eve. The previous week at work had been shit. Complete shit. Like, “here, let me cry at my desk multiple times while everyone watches” kind of shit. The last time Sweety had mentioned it, we were going to have to take the boys to the coaew on Christmas morning. On Christmas Eve (after I’m off work and we’re on our way out to eat with the boys in the car), it is brought to my attention that she’s picking them up around noon on Christmas Day. Which meant we could have had an early Christmas dinner instead of going out to eat after I got off of work on Christmas Eve. Perhaps I haven’t mentioned my extreme annoyance at the holiday scheduling of the boys? Officially, I was afuckingnoyed.

All night Sweety kept saying that he couldn’t wait for me to open my presents. But the manner in which he was saying it kind of alarmed me. It was like, “I can’t wait to see your reaction, muahahahahaha!” More alarm bells started ringing when Sweety and BB got out of the car to run into the pharmacy and LB spent the whole time telling me that he had been telling Sweety that my gift was a bad idea and that they should get me something else.

We got home and Sweety and the boys opened their presents first. Sweety wanted me to open mine last so they could watch me. (He was also kind enough to video it. I decided me telling you about this would make me sound like a big enough bitch. You don’t need to see the look on my face or witness me throwing a dusting mitten at Sweety.) They were all grinning at me like hyenas and I noticed that the boys had positioned themselves on the outskirts of the room. I was tired of the week and felt like my last nerve was coated in sea salt.

The theme of my gift this year was “from the clearance bin at the hardware store”. The best part was some of the items are totally useless in this house. Does anyone need tarp holder clips? I have no tarp or truck that I would use a tarp cover clip on. How about a mitt you wear to dust the furniture? Because I’m not a fan of dusting. It’s so much fun to doodle in the dust after its collected! A toilet paper hanger? Doesn’t fit either of our toilets. Some animal crackers that are most likely expired?

I’d put makeup on before leaving work to try and make my mood better. I laughed my crazy laugh for a good 30 minutes after opening the gifts and streaked my face up like a clown. Sweety cornered me in the bedroom and told me that I needed to quit laughing because I was scaring the children.

Sweety’s inspiration for this? I’d told him a few weeks ago about the Christmas where my Mom stuffed socks into toilet paper rolls and my sister and I had gone nuts trying to figure out what the packages were. We saved them to open last and were a bit disappointed. After I’d opened everything, Sweety asked me what I thought. Told him it reminded me of that Christmas and he beamed, “Yes! That is what I was going for!”

I kind of felt like I’d been the butt of someone’s joke all week long and now my family was laughing at me too. Maybe I was a little irrational.

Let me say that I’m happy:
To have a roof over my head.
That I have a bellyful of food.
To not be worrying about how to pay for utilities.
That we’re all basically healthy.

I know some people didn’t have any gifts to open and maybe their loved one is gone. I know some kids in Africa have flies skating on their eyeballs. I know that this makes me look like the biggest ungrateful bitch around.

Me, Sweety and the boys are all having laughs about it now. I did tell the boys if they have wives to never do this to them, especially if the wife is working at a crappy job and has had a crummy week.

Sweety was super duper nice New Year’s Eve and got tickets to the Merle Haggard show in February. I was planning on buying one ticket to go alone and sit in the nosebleed section (because Sweety is not a fan of crowds or live music) but he got them four rows from the stage! Sweet.

Here is some more meanness…

For the record, the very sound coaew’s voice touches something very visceral in me. That part that wants to kill things with my teeth. I was sitting on the couch in the living room on Christmas morning and heard her braying like a donkey yell a question to Sweety while he was standing in the garage. I immediately wanted to hop up, grab a stick, sharpen it and poke her eyes out while eating her neck. I went to the potty instead. (Yes, people, I call it “potty”. I like that word. Say it a few time. Potty. Potty. Pawteee.) It seemed to be a fitting thing to do while I waited for her to leave my yard.

Can I point out that if you’re sending your kids off during the day to do something sports related and you’ve known about it for months that it would be a good idea to have all of their shit together and a plan for things before children-swap-off-time on Christmas? I’m just saying. Sweety was running around like a chicken with his head cut off trying to get the boys’ stuff together and I hear that whore caterwauling about how she doesn’t know where to drop the boys off. I have an idea – Mapquest that shit and get away from my house.

Oh, and that stunned cunt had the nerve to call Sweety and suggest to him that we get LB an iPod Touch at our house because she was getting BB one at hers and LB was bent out of shape about it. I guess she asked them privately what they each wanted and LB named something and when he found out later that BB asked for an iPod and was getting it wanted to change his gift to that. Sweety told her that we’d already taken care of the boys’ gifts here and that LB wouldn’t be getting that from us. She ended up giving one iPod to both boys as a joint Christmas gift. A little birdie told me that their younger stepsister got an iPad. LB came in yesterday and was asking all sorts of questions about the iPad – how much do they cost? Are they really any good? What did I think of them? To make him feel better I told him that I thought they were overpriced and I’d much rather have an iPod that I could carry around and did some iPad bashing. (LB doesn’t know that I know what his stepsister got.) Of course, if I found an iPad laying around – I’d be on it like white on rice.