We’re riding in the truck and looking at the sleeping Bean. I pipe up with…

I wonder what she’s going to sound like.

What do you mean?

Her voice. I wonder what kind of voice she’ll have. I hope it’s not annoying.

Oh, no. She’ll sound musical. Not all whiny and shit. God, no. Not whiny.

Hell, no! I’d have to give her a tracheotomy and a voice box buzzer thingy. I need to go to medical school!

At this point I put my hand up to my throat and robotically said, “Hello, daddy!”. Sweety spit his soda out and said that I won at being disturbing for the day.

Go, me.

16 Comments | In: bean, conversation, my brain needs bleach | | #

That blurry little foot?

It really does have five toes even though you can’t see them. She was also busy fist-pumping like she belongs on Jersey Shore.

Bean is a Fidgeter Extraordinaire. Sometimes her arms and legs are windmilling so fast that I think she’s going to launch like a hummingbird. When she’s eating and tired, she will kick the hell out of her legs. She’ll kick so much that she almost squirms off of the Milk Bar. The other night I did her a favor and held her foot and wiggled it for her while she ate. She promptly passed out.

Speaking of passing out!

She’s started really sleeping through the night! *knock on wood* The past two nights she’s been tucked into bed by 10 or so and slept right through until 7 or 8 the next morning! The first night, I woke up around 4 because my boobs were full of milk and hurting so while I pumped milk (I’m building up the stockpile for when I go back to work.) I cried because she’s growing so fast. The second night I didn’t cry but I laid awake after pumping and listened to her sleep.

I think she’s going to have Sweety’s sleep habits. She talks to herself a lot on top of being twitchy.

Sweety lost his damned mind the other night. I thought he was awake when he said, “You know what? You’re a dick.” I asked why, thinking it was because I was sitting in the bed while playing with my phone and the light was disturbing him. “You just are. And you know what? I’m going to TALK REALLY LOUD AND WAKE THE BABY UP! GUESS WHO WON’T HAVE TO GET UP AND TAKE CARE OF HER? NOT ME!” I told him that I would punch him in his jug head on my way to pick her up if he woke her and he shut up. The next morning when I said something to him I could tell that he felt bad and he kept apologizing. I told him that it was okay, that I really thought he was awake. So, how fucked up is it that I thought he was awake being a giant asshole and didn’t blink an eye at it? He’s been super great in helping me with the baby and I thought that maybe he’d just reached his limit or something.

Night before last, I was playing on my phone in the dark when he pipes up with, “Suck my dick and punch me in the face.” I asked him to repeat himself and he did. (For the record, I did not and I did not.) One night he woke up while eating a bowl of cereal and last night he got up and gorged on Oreos – he later woke up choking on Oreo puke. I’m going to start tying him to the bed.

18 Comments | In: bean, conversation | | #

I was busy brushing my teeth this weekend, when out of the corner of my eye, I noticed Sweety come into the bathroom with Bean. He’s telling me to hurry and look at them but it takes me a minute to turn around.

As you may (or may not) know, we like to give things voices around here. The dogs all have their own voices and talk to us regularly. Even Chi Chi. Due to her freeze-dried nature, her voice is rather raspy. Like she’s been smoking for 50 years. Having a voice naturally extends to Bean. We talk for her and sometimes even wobble her bottom jaw to enhance her “speaking” abilities.

Now people, we are some sick fuckers here. Most humor is highly inappropriate and totally tasteless. This was no exception.

I swing around to see Bean sitting in the crook of Sweety’s arm and she is grasping in her right hand an untwisted coathanger.

Hey, baby! What are you doing?!

I wanted to show you this.

What is that?

When I was inside of you there was a sister with me but I evicted her with this coathanger.

At that point, all I could do was turn around and carefully inspect the sink faucet because sometimes I run out of words and this was one of those times. Sweety is cackling his ass off because if one of us can render the other speechless then something has been accomplished.

I finally found some words.

Dude. The first time I really see my baby hold something? It’s a fucking twisted coathanger and she’s making a joke about aborting her roommate? Damn. Just…damn.

And then I couldn’t help it – I laughed.

12 Comments | In: bean, conversation, my brain needs bleach | | #

The niece has picked up skateboarding in the past year or so. Last year for Christmas I sent her a board because the “baby” board she was using wasn’t very good. She didn’t bring it with her when she came here this go around and it’s already been packed up and sent on its way to Germany. So she decided to use the gift cards/money that she received this Christmas to pick out a new board.

She was super excited to learn that there’s a skate park in our town. To go though, you have to have a waiver on file with the city and buy a pass. The park is only open at night and on the weekends and I took care of the paperwork so she could go last night. She had been bugging the hell out of me to go since she got the skateboard on Tuesday.

We got there last night and the place was crawling with teenaged boys. No girls and the boys were zooming all over the place. Sylvie was to nervous to go out there amongst everyone so we decided to just scope the place out and come back this afternoon. (Some days skateboarders can use the facility from 4 to 6 and some days from 6 to 8. The place is also used by kids on bikes.) We decided to tell Sweety and the boys that I wouldn’t let her skate because it was too cold and I didn’t want to sit in the cold. She was afraid the boys would tease her for being a chicken. But we agreed that we’d go today as soon as the place opened because maybe it would be less crowded.

And we did.

When I picked her up from school today, I asked her what I ask the kids every day:

What did you have for lunch?
A Slushie.
A Slushie? Didn’t you have one of those yesterday because it was the first day back to school?
Yeah.
And don’t you like to have one to “celebrate” Friday so you’ve earmarked tomorrow for one?
Yeah.
Why did you have one today? You need to eat real food.
Well, I knew you were talking to my Mom about me getting to stay the rest of the year and I figured she’d say no. Sooo…
So, you needed a Slushie to console yourself?
Yeah! To console myself!
Hrmph. Have real food tomorrow. No Slushie.
Hey! Did you know they have mochas at school?
Hey! Did you know I can look on the computer and see what you’ve eaten every day?
Really? That’s…not cool. Not cool at all, Aunt Anna.

3 Comments | In: conversation, the niece | | #