I’m innocently playing on the computer when I realize the niece is curled up into the fetal position on the floor beside me while whisper screaming “don’t hurt me!” as she rolls around with her hand over her ears.

What are you doing?

It’s called The Armadillo. I’m practicing.

Practicing for what?

If someone starts to attack you, you drop to the ground and do this.

*insert niece repeating The Armadillo*

Oh, no. If someone really attacks you – you need to punch them in the head or something. Don’t roll around while they kick you.

Aunt Anna, I can’t do that. It hurts my heart when I hurt someone else. Even if they’re being mean.

Tell you what, kid. If you’re ever attacked…fight back…escape…let your heart hurt and I’ll pay for your therapy to fix it later.

*insert niece flopping back on the floor to practice The Armadillo*

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I’ll read/reply to previous post comments later when I’m at a computer that’s not in the boonies. My Mom’s internet connections won’t open the comments page to even read them.

7 Comments | In: conversation, vacation | | #

Okay, a little backstory – Bekah and I met up this weekend. We hit the rainy beach at around 2 p.m. on Friday and by 8 (maybe earlier?) was passed smooth out. 12 Irish Car Bombs will do that to you. (But you get a free t-shirt after 20! I have a little card that never expires and the bartender marks it whenever you have one. I’ll go back someday to polish off those other 8.)

If I can remember the backstory to the little conversation snippets, I’ll write them in bold. (my words are in italics)

You would really rather eat your own eyeball than feel guilt again?

Yes.

You obviously have too much guilt in your life.

I’m taking care of shit.

***

I’m going to boil you and eat you alive before the tsunami kills us all.
I never go to the beach. The one time I make plans to it storms like a motherfucker. I told Bekah that it would be our luck that a tsunami was going to hit too. I was going to eat her to save her the horror of drowning.

***

See and you can’t die with your shirt all fucked up so leave that shit on backwards and live tonight.
Bekah got a stomach bug and realized after a bathroom run that her shirt was on backwards. I decided that you don’t get to die if your clothes aren’t on right. I didn’t want her to fix her shirt because then she might die.

***

But that’d cost a dollar to get there.

You wouldn’t pay a dollar to give her a proper burial at sea?

I’m not sure that tossing her dead body into the waves is a proper burial at sea.

Oh.
A discussion after we thought a hedgehog was dead. Even though it wasn’t, we played the “what if she had died” game.

***

So what? You’ll still be alive. Shit washes, death doesn’t.
I say it’s better to shit yourself while you’re sick than to flat die from it.

You have to be a special kind of creature to spend more than 15 minutes with me.

18 Comments | In: conversation, toast | | #

Aunt Anna…what’s pub – puberry – pubity –

Puberty?

Yeah. What’s puberty?

It’s when your body starts changing in different ways to become an adult.

Ew! I don’t want to do that! I don’t want to get wrinkles!

Hahahahahaha! No, kid. The wrinkles come much later. You get those just for getting old. You get boobs and your period with puberty.

Period? I don’t want a period!

Sorry. It’ll come with the territory.

Hey! I’m going to get a pet turtle and teach it The Hokey-Pokey!

And with that the subject was changed and she started showing me how turtles do The Hokey-Pokey.

She was here last week with her mom and dad and we all had a large time. They left yesterday morning and I miss them already. They got home to Oklahoma just in time for a snowstorm today! Sylvie said she couldn’t believe that she was swimming outside here just a week ago.

I got constant little hugs, hand holds and kisses. We took turns kicking each others ass playing cards. It was awesome.

10 Comments | In: conversation, the niece | | #

Sweety upon seeing my HNT photo –

“Damn! I don’t see you like that! All it takes is Bekah coming down and you run off to the bedroom and get naked for her!”

The boys were watching television in the living room with us and this got me a couple of sideways looks.

12 Comments | In: conversation | | #

“It’s like we’re running a damned zoo now.

But look at all the love! And they’re good doggies!

Hmph. Well, if we fall on hard times we can eat one and still have a full house.

Dude, if we fall on hard times? We will boil the preservatives out of Chi Chi’s body and then use the jerky for a stew! AFTER that, we will move on to the live animals.

Wow. You know, just when I think you can’t pipe up with anything more crazy…there you go.

Thank you!

I knew you’d take it as a compliment.”

8 Comments | In: conversation, my brain needs bleach | | #

I’m getting grey hair!

Eh, you look fine. At least they don’t look like grey pubes like mine do.

I think I look distinguished.

Mmmhmmm….

I should go get a girlfriend!

Yeah! You should! You know why?

Why?

Because I’ve really been looking forward to eating your kidneys and this would give me the perfect excuse!

My kidneys? You don’t even know where kidneys are!

I do too. I cut a slit on each side towards the bottom of your back and fish around til I pluck them out with my little hands.

How the hell do you know to do that?

Don’t ask.

My kidney…why not my liver?

Not kindey. Kidneys.

But you’ll only take one, right? So I can live and suffer?

No. I need two.

Both of them?

Yes. Both. You know why, don’t you?

Because you’d want to be sure I was dead?

No. Dude, you know what kind of cook I am. I’d probably fuck the first one up preparing it. By the time I got to the second one I’d know how to make it taste right.

*Sweety runs from the bathroom and leaves me to shower in peace*

Heh, this reminded me of this conversation. I guess I have a kidney fixation.

13 Comments | In: conversation, my brain needs bleach | | #