Sweety upon seeing my HNT photo –
“Damn! I don’t see you like that! All it takes is Bekah coming down and you run off to the bedroom and get naked for her!”
The boys were watching television in the living room with us and this got me a couple of sideways looks.
“It’s like we’re running a damned zoo now.
But look at all the love! And they’re good doggies!
Hmph. Well, if we fall on hard times we can eat one and still have a full house.
Dude, if we fall on hard times? We will boil the preservatives out of Chi Chi’s body and then use the jerky for a stew! AFTER that, we will move on to the live animals.
Wow. You know, just when I think you can’t pipe up with anything more crazy…there you go.
Thank you!
I knew you’d take it as a compliment.”
I’m getting grey hair!
Eh, you look fine. At least they don’t look like grey pubes like mine do.
I think I look distinguished.
Mmmhmmm….
I should go get a girlfriend!
Yeah! You should! You know why?
Why?
Because I’ve really been looking forward to eating your kidneys and this would give me the perfect excuse!
My kidneys? You don’t even know where kidneys are!
I do too. I cut a slit on each side towards the bottom of your back and fish around til I pluck them out with my little hands.
How the hell do you know to do that?
Don’t ask.
My kidney…why not my liver?
Not kindey. Kidneys.
But you’ll only take one, right? So I can live and suffer?
No. I need two.
Both of them?
Yes. Both. You know why, don’t you?
Because you’d want to be sure I was dead?
No. Dude, you know what kind of cook I am. I’d probably fuck the first one up preparing it. By the time I got to the second one I’d know how to make it taste right.
*Sweety runs from the bathroom and leaves me to shower in peace*
Heh, this reminded me of this conversation. I guess I have a kidney fixation.
Hey, later after we *insert eyebrow wiggle here*?
Yeah?
Could you smear it all over your body?
My normal answer would be “no”. I’m not a fan of being shellacked in semen.
But today? Today I am feeling giving.
Sure! That would be great!
Really?
Yeah! And you know what? Since I’ll be all adhesive – we can stick Chi Chi to my body!
My day is made when I can get Sweety to gag and almost swerve the car off of the road.
Ah, everybody’s asleep.
The boys were here tonight instead of at their mother’s because high school orientation was tonight for BB and the coaew couldn’t go. So they stayed here tonight and Sweety took him. They met me at Red Lobster for dinner after I got off of work and the boys came home with me while Sweety went back to work.
Do you know who Jeff Dunham is? He’s one of BB’s favorite comedians and we stayed up late watching him on t.v. His show isn’t exactly child friendly but whenever he got too out there, I shrieked at the top of my lungs sang ‘lalalalalala!’ while BB fast forwarded through that part and LB wondered what was going on. Honestly? I don’t care if the kid hears a joke about certain things, I just don’t want to be in the room hearing it too.
The show was over at 11 and I tucked them on in and am enjoying the sounds of nothingness. LB likes me to “tuck him in like a carrot” by tucking the blanket really tightly around him. I do some sort of weird chant, “tucking you in like a carrot! carrot! like a carrot!” while doing it. Very soothing, to be sure.
Oh! Let me tell you about another weird conversation Sweety had with me while he was asleep last night.
Rabbits are sneaky. I don’t like rabbits. I can tell when they are going to do something evil.
Really? How?Their ears lay back flat against their heads and they get a mean look in their eye.
Wow! What is the worst thing you’ve ever seen a rabbit do?
Fucked a dog.
What? Fucked a dog? Are you serious?
Yes! I saw it on the internet on a porn site. At first, you see this big dog sniffing the rabbit and in the next frame – THE RABBIT HAS MOUNTED THE DOG!!!
Oh, wow. Are you serious?
Yeah! The rabbit was mean. He had a cigar in one hand a beer in the other and he was tearing that dog up!
I don’t know what worries me more. The idea that Sweety really saw something like this online (what the hell was he looking for to stumble on this? Maybe there is a reason that Stinky Dog covers her ass when he’s around?) or the idea that he just pulled the whole thing out of his brain.
After this bit of conversation, he started talking about how he just didn’t understand knitting. I decided to mess with him and every time he started to say something, I’d interrupt him by screaming, “What’s your problem? Why don’t you like knitted blankets?” or “I really don’t understand why you don’t like yarn!” After 5 or 6 interruptions he got really quiet and said, “You know what your problem is? You just need to slow down.” and he sounded really sad.
I felt bad then and stuck my earplugs in so I couldn’t hear him babbling while I went to sleep.
