What are you doing?

It’s called The Armadillo. I’m practicing.

Practicing for what?

If someone starts to attack you, you drop to the ground and do this.

*insert niece repeating The Armadillo*

Oh, no. If someone really attacks you – you need to punch them in the head or something. Don’t roll around while they kick you.

Aunt Anna, I can’t do that. It hurts my heart when I hurt someone else. Even if they’re being mean.

Tell you what, kid. If you’re ever attacked…fight back…escape…let your heart hurt and I’ll pay for your therapy to fix it later.

*insert niece flopping back on the floor to practice The Armadillo*

*
*
I’ll read/reply to previous post comments later when I’m at a computer that’s not in the boonies. My Mom’s internet connections won’t open the comments page to even read them.

If I can remember the backstory to the little conversation snippets, I’ll write them in bold. (my words are in italics)

You would really rather eat your own eyeball than feel guilt again?

Yes.

You obviously have too much guilt in your life.

I’m taking care of shit.

***

I’m going to boil you and eat you alive before the tsunami kills us all.
I never go to the beach. The one time I make plans to it storms like a motherfucker. I told Bekah that it would be our luck that a tsunami was going to hit too. I was going to eat her to save her the horror of drowning.

***

See and you can’t die with your shirt all fucked up so leave that shit on backwards and live tonight.
Bekah got a stomach bug and realized after a bathroom run that her shirt was on backwards. I decided that you don’t get to die if your clothes aren’t on right. I didn’t want her to fix her shirt because then she might die.

***

But that’d cost a dollar to get there.

You wouldn’t pay a dollar to give her a proper burial at sea?

I’m not sure that tossing her dead body into the waves is a proper burial at sea.

Oh.
A discussion after we thought a hedgehog was dead. Even though it wasn’t, we played the “what if she had died” game.

***

So what? You’ll still be alive. Shit washes, death doesn’t.
I say it’s better to shit yourself while you’re sick than to flat die from it.

You have to be a special kind of creature to spend more than 15 minutes with me.

Aunt Anna…what’s pub – puberry – pubity –

Puberty?

Yeah. What’s puberty?

It’s when your body starts changing in different ways to become an adult.

Ew! I don’t want to do that! I don’t want to get wrinkles!

Hahahahahaha! No, kid. The wrinkles come much later. You get those just for getting old. You get boobs and your period with puberty.

Period? I don’t want a period!

Sorry. It’ll come with the territory.

Hey! I’m going to get a pet turtle and teach it The Hokey-Pokey!

And with that the subject was changed and she started showing me how turtles do The Hokey-Pokey.

She was here last week with her mom and dad and we all had a large time. They left yesterday morning and I miss them already. They got home to Oklahoma just in time for a snowstorm today! Sylvie said she couldn’t believe that she was swimming outside here just a week ago.

I got constant little hugs, hand holds and kisses. We took turns kicking each others ass playing cards. It was awesome.

“Damn! I don’t see you like that! All it takes is Bekah coming down and you run off to the bedroom and get naked for her!”

The boys were watching television in the living room with us and this got me a couple of sideways looks.

But look at all the love! And they’re good doggies!

Hmph. Well, if we fall on hard times we can eat one and still have a full house.

Dude, if we fall on hard times? We will boil the preservatives out of Chi Chi’s body and then use the jerky for a stew! AFTER that, we will move on to the live animals.

Wow. You know, just when I think you can’t pipe up with anything more crazy…there you go.

Thank you!

I knew you’d take it as a compliment.”

I’m getting grey hair!

Eh, you look fine. At least they don’t look like grey pubes like mine do.

I think I look distinguished.

Mmmhmmm….

I should go get a girlfriend!

Yeah! You should! You know why?

Why?

Because I’ve really been looking forward to eating your kidneys and this would give me the perfect excuse!

My kidneys? You don’t even know where kidneys are!

I do too. I cut a slit on each side towards the bottom of your back and fish around til I pluck them out with my little hands.

How the hell do you know to do that?

Don’t ask.

My kidney…why not my liver?

Not kindey. Kidneys.

But you’ll only take one, right? So I can live and suffer?

No. I need two.

Both of them?

Yes. Both. You know why, don’t you?

Because you’d want to be sure I was dead?

No. Dude, you know what kind of cook I am. I’d probably fuck the first one up preparing it. By the time I got to the second one I’d know how to make it taste right.

*Sweety runs from the bathroom and leaves me to shower in peace*

Heh, this reminded me of this conversation. I guess I have a kidney fixation.

Hey, later after we *insert eyebrow wiggle here*?

Yeah?

Could you smear it all over your body?

My normal answer would be “no”. I’m not a fan of being shellacked in semen.
But today? Today I am feeling giving.

Sure! That would be great!

Really?

Yeah! And you know what? Since I’ll be all adhesive – we can stick Chi Chi to my body!

My day is made when I can get Sweety to gag and almost swerve the car off of the road.

The boys were here tonight instead of at their mother’s because high school orientation was tonight for BB and the coaew couldn’t go. So they stayed here tonight and Sweety took him. They met me at Red Lobster for dinner after I got off of work and the boys came home with me while Sweety went back to work.

Do you know who Jeff Dunham is? He’s one of BB’s favorite comedians and we stayed up late watching him on t.v. His show isn’t exactly child friendly but whenever he got too out there, I shrieked at the top of my lungs sang ‘lalalalalala!’ while BB fast forwarded through that part and LB wondered what was going on. Honestly? I don’t care if the kid hears a joke about certain things, I just don’t want to be in the room hearing it too.

The show was over at 11 and I tucked them on in and am enjoying the sounds of nothingness. LB likes me to “tuck him in like a carrot” by tucking the blanket really tightly around him. I do some sort of weird chant, “tucking you in like a carrot! carrot! like a carrot!” while doing it. Very soothing, to be sure.

Oh! Let me tell you about another weird conversation Sweety had with me while he was asleep last night.

Rabbits are sneaky. I don’t like rabbits. I can tell when they are going to do something evil.

Really? How?

Their ears lay back flat against their heads and they get a mean look in their eye.

Wow! What is the worst thing you’ve ever seen a rabbit do?

Fucked a dog.

What? Fucked a dog? Are you serious?

Yes! I saw it on the internet on a porn site. At first, you see this big dog sniffing the rabbit and in the next frame – THE RABBIT HAS MOUNTED THE DOG!!!

Oh, wow. Are you serious?

Yeah! The rabbit was mean. He had a cigar in one hand a beer in the other and he was tearing that dog up!

I don’t know what worries me more. The idea that Sweety really saw something like this online (what the hell was he looking for to stumble on this? Maybe there is a reason that Stinky Dog covers her ass when he’s around?) or the idea that he just pulled the whole thing out of his brain.

After this bit of conversation, he started talking about how he just didn’t understand knitting. I decided to mess with him and every time he started to say something, I’d interrupt him by screaming, “What’s your problem? Why don’t you like knitted blankets?” or “I really don’t understand why you don’t like yarn!” After 5 or 6 interruptions he got really quiet and said, “You know what your problem is? You just need to slow down.” and he sounded really sad.

I felt bad then and stuck my earplugs in so I couldn’t hear him babbling while I went to sleep.

Out of lobster? Well, what do they have?

Crabs.

That’s cool. I like crabs.

You’ll have to catch them though. They’re like little spiders. You eat them raw. Feet first to make sure they don’t claw your eyes out.

What the fuck? Raw?

Yeah. They are juicy and good that way.

I want my crab cooked. Not raw.

You’ll have to go wait in the cook line for them then.

Okay.

Hey! Do you want me to get a light bulb?

What for?

So we can put a switch on it and have light.

Nah. I like it dark.

Oh…okay…

I love you though. Thanks for asking.

I love you too.

Stepdad left us with a gift. A cold. Or something else that’s horrible and lives in your head. I have excreted at least a gallon of mucas in te past 24 hours. Trying to not breathe too deeply because that starts a coughing fit. Hopefully, this shit will go the way of the dinosaurs soon.

Has anyone out there ever had a motherfucking boil? (and if so, how, for the love of Pete – how do you get rid of it? I’ve tried slathering it in baking soda paste and soaking in hot water to no avail.) First time in ever dealing with one. It has its own zip code. If it were in an area that was more easily accessible, I would burn it off with a cooking torch. Hopefully, this shit will go the way of the dinosaurs soon.

Tiny Dog certainly misses having my Mom around. I looked over at Mom while she was at the kitchen table the other night and she had Tiny in her lap. She was tearing turkey into tiny bits and hand-feeding it to Tiny Dog. I swear, the dog stuck her tongue out at me when I made her put her back on the floor. Tiny’s gained at least 2 pounds in the past week.

Oh! Speaking of poundage! I’ve hit my goal!

I knew if I kept hitting the Burger King often enough that I would!

I weighed myself this morning and saw that I broke the big 2-0-0. Woo hoo! Mission accomplished. I’m thinking I can eat my way on into gastric bypass surgery. (end sarcasm here)

At some point last year, Sweety said he was going to start cooking for me so I would eat healthier and try to cheerlead me along. For the record, I wanted no part of that. He didn’t get around to cooking for me but did make some headway in the cheerleading department. It was always nice to see him give me a glare whenever I was eating something that was bad for me or was eating too late in the day. There’s nothing funner than secluding yourself somewhere in the house to eat that’s away from prying eyes. (That was sarcastic too, okay?)

We’re leaving the movies the other day (After I’d eaten popcorn. Holy shit. Don’t go to the movie and eat popcorn! It is evil!)

You’re going to do things differently in the new year! We’re going to do things differently in the new year!

*crickets chirping*

I am going to cook for you! Chicken! You will take it to work and eat that instead of junk food!

Okay. If you pack it. I will eat it.

No more junk! And exercise! You will hate me in the beginning but you will thank me a few months from now!

*yeah, so will my new husband* thought to myself

I know what you’re thinking – “sure, and my new man will thank you when I leave your ass!”, right?

Whoa. You really do know me.

Instead of crash dieting like I’ve done in the past, I’m going to go slow this time. If I could just knock off 10 pounds a month, by this summer, I’d be cute again. And not winded all of the time with creaking knees.

I guess I’ll go wash off this freaking baking soda and check on my baby boil.