Last night I learned that there are some phrases that once uttered, will totally turn Sweety’s brain off to anything else I might say for at least 10 minutes.

“I was researching Brazilian waxes and found something about some chick who got her labia ripped!” and “Did you know you can have nipple hair waxed?”

He said that I totally lost him at “labia ripped”.

I’ve decided to have all the hair yanked off my coochie and surrounding area. I tried to groom it myself a couple of weeks ago and it looks scary mangy now. Well, I assume it looks mangy because I can’t see the thing and I’ve instructed Sweety to not look at it.

This is my favorite part of the house being redone.

A doggy door in the wall! We had to replace the wall and when Sweety was putting the sheetrock up, Oliver kept walking in and out. Sweety’s going to make a door for it and he said that I can paint a flaming hoop or something around it so the hounds can make grand entrances. I’m really excited about having some movable art on the living room wall.

Here is a video I took of Tiny Dog a few weeks ago. She likes to sit just far enough away that I can’t reach her and then grouch at me to pick her up.

She is a spoiled little hussy. I do not pick her up. She can sit with me but I’ll be damned if I’m going to walk across the room for her. It’s interesting that if I’m eating something then she is able to jump effortlessly onto the couch with me but other times she needs me to unseat myself and fetch her.

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The boys’ bedrooms are put back together! After the Great Flood of 2011, Sweety was pretty peeved at the messes that we found in their rooms. In the interest of being cheap ass motherfuckers thrifty and out of annoyance that their rooms were so messy – we decided to paint their floors with concrete paint. They will get to have carpet again someday if they keep their rooms clean. As it is, they like the painted floors. It looks okay and we’re getting throw rugs to match their new bedding and walls. This was the first time that they’ve gotten to really redo their rooms however they want and they’re pretty excited to be back in them.

Wednesday a plumber is coming in to install the sink and tub in their bathroom and this weekend Sweety will do more painting and the next weekend he will put down the wood flooring. Then we will get to the Bean’s room. I’m thinking the house should be pretty much back to normal by mid-October at the latest.

Sweety did something super awesome – he got a truck for me a couple of weeks ago!

To put it mildly, I love it. It has rumbly pipes on it! Yay! And we’ve made good use of it lately by toting all of the stuff home that Sweety needs to redo the house. People have asked where I will put the Bean in it. Either the airbag will be flipped off and I’ll pop her in the front seat or I will just take the car. When I told my niece that I got a truck, she asked where the baby would ride and then laughed so hard that she couldn’t talk.

Wow, it just occurred to me that I look like an evil stepmother. “Here children! You do not deserve carpet but I’m getting a truck! Muahahahahaha!”

We were on our way home from eating breakfast Sunday morning and my stomach started to hurt. Horrible, evil gas pains that were so bad I couldn’t see straight. Sweety could tell that I was in immense discomfort. I was hoping that the pain would just go away and I realized that I was going to have to do something in front of Sweety that I’ve never done in front of him while conscious – pass gas. And what made it worse was that it was something that would peel paint. Sweety looked at me and told me that I had no room to ever criticize Oliver’s farts ever again.

The latest episode of Sweety talking in his sleep? The chorus of “It’s The End Of The World As We Know It”. There’s something kind of creepy about your bedmate bursting into song while you are quietly reading your book in the middle of the night. He sounded like a little kid while singing. It made my hair stand up.

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This weekend I took the boys and BB’s girlfriend to the mall. It was my first time meeting her and I like her. She’s not some little airhead and she doesn’t have one of those squeaky voices that makes me want to deafen myself. BB told me later that she likes to read and I know she gets good grades in school. And she’s very pretty. I figure after this relationship fizzles that it’s all downhill from here for BB. Maybe they’ll get married and live happily ever after so I don’t have to deal with teenaged-boy-broken-heart-angst!

The kids all wandered around the mall looking for school clothes and would text me when they found something so I could come pay for it. I occurred to me that I was just a walking wallet. It was interesting to see the clothes that BB picked out with his girlfriend around. Nicer stuff than the normal t-shirts that he wears. Shirts with collars!

BB told me last night that his girlfriend is coming over to our house today. Our incredibly messy house. Our house with the boys’ mattresses in the livingroom and furniture scattered everywhere and concrete floors. Sweety is working at a football game tonight and he’s taking them to the game so she’s coming here after school. I don’t know where the hell they will sit.

Sweety just about has LB’s bedroom finished. Sweety is basically working on the house every spare minute. He gets up early to do stuff before work and stays up after I go to bed. The bathroom should be functioning by the weekend and the floor down in the front part of the house shortly after. Once we get the front part of the house done, we’ll move all the furniture stacked in the back part of the house to the front and start redoing the back part of the house and the Bean’s room.

We finally got the first part of the insurance money from the bank this week. Our insurance company had the check to us within 3 days of the water leak but it took 17 days for Bank Of America to get the funds to us. The check was too big for them to cash at the local branch so we had to mail it somewhere else where we’d been told they’d cut us another check payable just to us instead of us and the bank. We waited for the check and it didn’t come. Sweety called BoA and was advised that we needed to request the second check. Um, really? Don’t you think by endorsing the first check payable to us and BoA and sending it to BoA that they would know we wanted the money? Then they told Sweety they’d FedEx the check but they didn’t. And when we finally go the check payable to us from Bank of America and deposited it? They put a hold on the funds from their own check. In short, Bank of America can go suck a bag of dicks. A bag of dicks that have fallen off due to extreme leprosy – not pretty shiny dicks.

I’m fairly certain the Bean will be the only baby that I pop out. I’d always thought maybe I’d have a couple of kids but I’m really not loving dealing with doctors and trying to keep my worrywart self calm. There are a couple of tiny issues coming up with me health-wise that we have to watch carefully and this being pregnant thing is hard. I’m on some new medication for my blood pressure and it makes me feel really weird but it’s necessary. (The title? One of the side effects of my new medication. It’s all I can think right now. Tingletingletingle. I keep grabbing handfuls of it to gently yank. I’ll be bald soon.)

If you had one of those wonderful, glowing pregnancies where you poop cotton candy and everything you touched turned to glitter – good for you but I don’t want to hear about it. And if one more person asks me if I’m constipated or if I have hemorrhoids yet (no and no, btw), I’m going to bend over and let them see my asshole. I swear, who asks that kind of shit? Apparently the random people I work with.

Speaking of work…I’m bidding on a new schedule that would have me working Monday through Friday from 5:30 p.m. to 2 a.m. This way, Sweety and I can manage watching the Bean ourselves. My fervent hope is to not go back to work after she’s born or not go back to work for very long but this way it can be done without me freaking out about leaving her with someone.

I will leave you with this gem that fell from Sweety’s mouth while he was talking in his sleep last night.

Santa Claus needs to fuck Mary Poppins. No…Little Bo Peep! Then when Mrs. Claus divorces his ass and takes his reindeer – he could use Bo Peep’s sheep to pull the sleigh! I wonder if it would take more than eight sheep to pull a sleigh?

Right before saying this, he muttered every curse word under then sun and then said, “It only hurts when you’re happy.”

I have a feeling that by the time he’s done doing everything that needs to be done to get the house back together that he will be fully batshit crazy.

18 Comments | In: conversation, gestating, sprogs | | #

How weird is it that we have two kids in high school and you’re pregnant now?

Well, at least this way, when the Bean is going to school – the boys will already be out! We won’t have to tote her to one school and them to another.

Oh, I know. I’m not complaining. This is one of the reasons we planned it this way. That’s why they call it family planning.

I suppose.

Seriously. It shouldn’t be like opening up a box of Cracker Jack where you don’t know what the surprise is every time you fuck that hole.

Yes, people. He not only compared my coochie to Cracker Jack…he referred to it as fucking a hole. Nice.

In other news…

I thought Oliver had a giant streak of asshole but he has surpassed my initial impression. When we give the dogs rib bones they have to eat them on the back porch. We tossed a couple of bones out the other day and they both started chowing down on them. Oliver ate his then sauntered over and stole Tiny Dog’s.

But he did not eat it.

He trotted through the porch door and proceeded to drop it into the pool.

WTF, dude? Really? It wasn’t enough to take her shit you had to drown it too?

Tiny Dog got a new bone. Oliver had to come inside.

12 Comments | In: canines, conversation | | #