Hey, later after we *insert eyebrow wiggle here*?
Yeah?
Could you smear it all over your body?
My normal answer would be “no”. I’m not a fan of being shellacked in semen.
But today? Today I am feeling giving.
Sure! That would be great!
Really?
Yeah! And you know what? Since I’ll be all adhesive – we can stick Chi Chi to my body!
My day is made when I can get Sweety to gag and almost swerve the car off of the road.
Ah, everybody’s asleep.
The boys were here tonight instead of at their mother’s because high school orientation was tonight for BB and the coaew couldn’t go. So they stayed here tonight and Sweety took him. They met me at Red Lobster for dinner after I got off of work and the boys came home with me while Sweety went back to work.
Do you know who Jeff Dunham is? He’s one of BB’s favorite comedians and we stayed up late watching him on t.v. His show isn’t exactly child friendly but whenever he got too out there, I shrieked at the top of my lungs sang ‘lalalalalala!’ while BB fast forwarded through that part and LB wondered what was going on. Honestly? I don’t care if the kid hears a joke about certain things, I just don’t want to be in the room hearing it too.
The show was over at 11 and I tucked them on in and am enjoying the sounds of nothingness. LB likes me to “tuck him in like a carrot” by tucking the blanket really tightly around him. I do some sort of weird chant, “tucking you in like a carrot! carrot! like a carrot!” while doing it. Very soothing, to be sure.
Oh! Let me tell you about another weird conversation Sweety had with me while he was asleep last night.
Rabbits are sneaky. I don’t like rabbits. I can tell when they are going to do something evil.
Really? How?Their ears lay back flat against their heads and they get a mean look in their eye.
Wow! What is the worst thing you’ve ever seen a rabbit do?
Fucked a dog.
What? Fucked a dog? Are you serious?
Yes! I saw it on the internet on a porn site. At first, you see this big dog sniffing the rabbit and in the next frame – THE RABBIT HAS MOUNTED THE DOG!!!
Oh, wow. Are you serious?
Yeah! The rabbit was mean. He had a cigar in one hand a beer in the other and he was tearing that dog up!
I don’t know what worries me more. The idea that Sweety really saw something like this online (what the hell was he looking for to stumble on this? Maybe there is a reason that Stinky Dog covers her ass when he’s around?) or the idea that he just pulled the whole thing out of his brain.
After this bit of conversation, he started talking about how he just didn’t understand knitting. I decided to mess with him and every time he started to say something, I’d interrupt him by screaming, “What’s your problem? Why don’t you like knitted blankets?” or “I really don’t understand why you don’t like yarn!” After 5 or 6 interruptions he got really quiet and said, “You know what your problem is? You just need to slow down.” and he sounded really sad.
I felt bad then and stuck my earplugs in so I couldn’t hear him babbling while I went to sleep.
I’m sorry that they’re out of lobster.
Out of lobster? Well, what do they have?
Crabs.
That’s cool. I like crabs.
You’ll have to catch them though. They’re like little spiders. You eat them raw. Feet first to make sure they don’t claw your eyes out.
What the fuck? Raw?
Yeah. They are juicy and good that way.
I want my crab cooked. Not raw.
You’ll have to go wait in the cook line for them then.
Okay.
Hey! Do you want me to get a light bulb?
What for?
So we can put a switch on it and have light.
Nah. I like it dark.
Oh…okay…
I love you though. Thanks for asking.
I love you too.
Mom & Stepdad left this morning. Their plane took off at 6:30 so we had to get up a bit before four to get there in time. The early hour helped keep the “goodbye” from being too sad. We were all too tired to be sad. We spent all day at Sea World yesterday and had a ball. It was neat seeing how excited Mom got when she saw things.
Stepdad left us with a gift. A cold. Or something else that’s horrible and lives in your head. I have excreted at least a gallon of mucas in te past 24 hours. Trying to not breathe too deeply because that starts a coughing fit. Hopefully, this shit will go the way of the dinosaurs soon.
Has anyone out there ever had a motherfucking boil? (and if so, how, for the love of Pete – how do you get rid of it? I’ve tried slathering it in baking soda paste and soaking in hot water to no avail.) First time in ever dealing with one. It has its own zip code. If it were in an area that was more easily accessible, I would burn it off with a cooking torch. Hopefully, this shit will go the way of the dinosaurs soon.
Tiny Dog certainly misses having my Mom around. I looked over at Mom while she was at the kitchen table the other night and she had Tiny in her lap. She was tearing turkey into tiny bits and hand-feeding it to Tiny Dog. I swear, the dog stuck her tongue out at me when I made her put her back on the floor. Tiny’s gained at least 2 pounds in the past week.
Oh! Speaking of poundage! I’ve hit my goal!
I knew if I kept hitting the Burger King often enough that I would!
I weighed myself this morning and saw that I broke the big 2-0-0. Woo hoo! Mission accomplished. I’m thinking I can eat my way on into gastric bypass surgery. (end sarcasm here)
At some point last year, Sweety said he was going to start cooking for me so I would eat healthier and try to cheerlead me along. For the record, I wanted no part of that. He didn’t get around to cooking for me but did make some headway in the cheerleading department. It was always nice to see him give me a glare whenever I was eating something that was bad for me or was eating too late in the day. There’s nothing funner than secluding yourself somewhere in the house to eat that’s away from prying eyes. (That was sarcastic too, okay?)
We’re leaving the movies the other day (After I’d eaten popcorn. Holy shit. Don’t go to the movie and eat popcorn! It is evil!)
You’re going to do things differently in the new year! We’re going to do things differently in the new year!
*crickets chirping*
I am going to cook for you! Chicken! You will take it to work and eat that instead of junk food!
Okay. If you pack it. I will eat it.
No more junk! And exercise! You will hate me in the beginning but you will thank me a few months from now!
*yeah, so will my new husband* thought to myself
I know what you’re thinking – “sure, and my new man will thank you when I leave your ass!”, right?Whoa. You really do know me.
Instead of crash dieting like I’ve done in the past, I’m going to go slow this time. If I could just knock off 10 pounds a month, by this summer, I’d be cute again. And not winded all of the time with creaking knees.
I guess I’ll go wash off this freaking baking soda and check on my baby boil.
You know what your problem is?
Nope. Didn’t know I had one.
You’re too stingy with the pussy.
What? Because I won’t let you stick a Devil Dog in it and endure a horrible yeast infection later – I’m stingy? Are you out of your mind?
Well, maybe you kind of make sense when you spell it out like that.
No shit.
But can’t you just get some medicine later to get rid of those yeastie things?
He REALLY loves Devil Dogs. I know that I told you awhile back that all Marshmallow Fluff that comes into the house is poked by Sweety’s penis – but this is different. I mean, a coochie is its own little ecosystems. Stick something wrong in there and the whole thing can get knocked out of whack. I just can’t chance it.
Since you haven’t been taking birth control pills, do you feel fertile?
I dunno. I know I’m not liking this PMS.
Heh, you know your eggs are letting each other know that the coast is clear to come on down. You’re going to drop something like 600 eggs. They’ve been waiting for this chance.
I’m not going to have a period this month. I’m shoving out caviar.
*insert Sweety almost driving off the road while gagging at my last comment*
