Guess what I ate for the first time today?

An omelette. A three egg omelette. I’m pretty sure that I’ve mentioned my intense disgust for eggs. ) As a kid, I would sit at the table for hours and stare at my eggs until my dad took his afternoon nap and my mom threw them away for me.) And it had tomatoes! (Gah, tomatoes! Le vomit!) Two food items that I despise but they worked okay together.

I was shocked.

I ate this because I’m doing the Atkins diet (down 26 pounds since March 1!) and I decided that I need to make peace with eggs. I don’t think I’ll ever fry up any of those bitches for breakfast but they’re okay if they’re holding meat and cheese together.

In a very surprising act, Sweety toted me to the mall in the big city. He’d seen me looking at Sephora online and heard me bitching about paying for shipping. (He didn’t believe me at first when I told him about primer that goes on your eyes before you put makeup on. I’m an oily human.) So we went there and I had a professional hook me up with some new stuff to hide undereye circles. The bane of my face’s existence. I’m going to have to start getting up earlier to spackle my face but I will do it.

A couple of weeks ago I went to my next door neighbor’s house (she’s 16) for an eyeshadow lesson. I have been wearing the shit out of some eyeshadow. I don’t care if I look like a peacock. I like it.

We get situated in the tiny waiting room at the dentist’s – really, tiny. Six waiting chairs and the receptionist. All of a sudden, my phone starts to ring. Have you heard the ringtone at the end of this commercial? Customized ringtones annoy the shit out of me for some reason. (If you have one, then I’d probably like it. Because you’re cool. But when I’m in the grocery store and someone’s phone goes off and it’s a song or a weird sound it makes my eye twitch. I’ve only bought one ringtone ever and it was part of a song that Sweety & I like. And I don’t have it anymore.) But I heard that horribly obnoxious thing and thought that I had to have it to use as my alarm clock ring. I set it as my actual phone ring the other day and forgot about it.

And I forgot to turn off my phone before going into the dentist’s office. You should have seen the look on the little old lady’s face who was sitting three feet away from me when it started blaring out of my purse. Of course I was flustered so it took forever to fish it out of my purse to shut it up. I’ve changed it back to the regular ring.

I took the opportunity to go back to my doctor’s office to get the fucking cough that’s been around since August tended to. He gave me something that will hopefully stop the coughing (He said it might take a few days to work. whatever. I’m not hopeful.) and I’m going to get a chest x-ray and scan of my sinus cavity. I told him that I didn’t think I’d ever poked a bean in there but maybe I had and it was festering and making me sick. I really hope they see something with all of this. Because if they don’t then I think I will cough forever.

And I stayed home today. *cough* *cough* I’m cleaning a little and realized that the vacuum is gone. Do you know how often I actively seek out the vacuum cleaner? Like once in a blue moon. I’m guessing that Sweety took it to work with him to clean up there.

Oh people, I almost wigged out on the boys yesterday. I got home an hour early. Sweety wasn’t home. (The boys had to walk home from school a couple of days this week because he couldn’t get off in time to pick them up.) BB is in the front yard playing basketball (um, how many times have I told them to stay inside the freaking house if they’re home alone?!) and LB is there with him, shoeless. (I have a big problem with them running around shoeless. This stems from the numerous times they’ve come home from the coaew’s house with cuts on their feet or other things that they’re bitching about that could have been prevented with foot coverings.)

I feel bad that they’ve been home alone and instead of cooking ask what they want. Taco Bell. We load up in the car and during the drive it comes up that they have not let the dogs out to potty since they’ve been home from school. I was immediately so pissed off that I wanted to kick them out of my car and let them walk the last few blocks home. So you played video games in my bedroom while Stinky & Tiny howled their heads off in the adjoining bathroom and Oliver pranced at your feet? Poor Stinky Dog completely messed her bed and it’s been disinfecting all night.

For crying out fucking loud. I had no idea that I needed to tell them to let the dogs out when they came home from school. They know that they should do that!

They are going to be here this weekend and I knew if I freaked the fuck out that it would make the whole weekend shit. So I’m sweeping it under the rug. This weekend I am getting a dry erase marker and writing the things that I want them to do every day after school on the icebox. They will probably get more chores than they would have yesterday morning because I’m still pissed about them ignoring the dogs.

Tonight I’m going to put on my glitter eyeshadow and ride with Sweety to the bowling alley where I will probably drink a lot and subject everyone to my music on the jukebox. I’m beyond ready!

The reason I’m able to wear my glitter eyeshadow? I’ve been thinking for two weeks that I lost my whole makeup box but noticed it when I was taking the above photo of Oliver. I’d just stashed it away for some odd reason.

Frozen water pipes. No shit.

It hasn’t been this cold here in 26 years. It’s been in the 20s at night. We don’t run our heater because it uses too much electricity. I’m tucking the dogs into blankets at bedtime and those bitches (And Oliver. Since he’s not a bitch. But he doesn’t have a scrotum anymore so I guess I could get away with calling him a bitch, couldn’t I? I don’t want to offend him though. Good grief. What a tangent.) don’t move until we get up the next morning and I prod them out with my toes.

Sweety has been getting up in the night to turn all the faucets on and flush the super cold water out of the pipes to keep them from freezing. (Leaving it on a drip doesn’t keep it from freezing. Our water pipes run in the attic and Sweety said that the dripping water has frozen up before.) Last night, I suggested that we drink Crown Royal to stay warm and Sweety didn’t wake up in the night like he usually does.

I had no idea that he was getting up to turn on the water. I’ve noticed that he’s been getting up in the night and I take that opportunity to steal more blanket and go back to sleep while wondering what the hell is taking him so long. I thought he was just randomly turning on faucets because he was really thirsty.

Now that I think about it, if he was really so thirsty that he was going from room to room to drink water – that would probably signal some sort of health issue, huh? I need to step up my wifely attentions.

Um, now I know that he was keeping us in water.

It’s been cold here, people. I saw ice on the ground the other morning and gave it a few kicks while trying to figure out what the hell it was because I hadn’t seen ice outside in over 8 years. At first, I thought they were some sort of clear berries on the grass.

There is a chance of snow flurries here this weekend. WTF? I bitch all the damned time about how hot it is and now that it’s cold I don’t have any climate appropriate clothing. I’m just walking around freezing and angry. It will pass soon enough.

The pants that I’ve been wearing to work for the past few years blew out on me Thursday. I spent all day waddling around with my jacket yanked down to hide my pink panties that were glaring through the rip in the seat. Time to go get a new pair of pants for my “work uniform”. Work uniform consists of a pair of khakis and 4 striped shirts that I rotate through. I don’t give a damn what I look like at the salt mine. As long as I don’t stink I don’t think anyone should care about my lack of fashion.

Speaking of work! I have all my vacation time squared away for the year! We’re going to Las Vegas for a week, Reno for a weekend (Sweety has to bowl there) and then my trip home in the summer. I. Can’t. Wait. I keep touching the days that are marked off on the calendar when I’m at work to remind myself that there are good things coming that will get me out of there for awhile.

Oliver continues to delight us. Tiny Dog woke up at around 4 the other morning and seemed to realize that he was a permanent houseguest and proceeded to scream at the top of her lungs for 3 hours. I’d go into the bathroom to see if she wanted to go outside and she’d roll onto her back and show me her belly while trying to be cute.

Part of me wanted to shove my foot into her soft belly and wear her as a slipper to keep one foot warm while I took the other dogs outside.

Every year the boys usually ask for one “big” thing and they get it. I am usually the person in charge of getting that item. This year, I decided that Sweety would do that and warned him in plenty of time and I vowed to not remind him of it constantly. But I couldn’t help myself and when I noticed that he hadn’t been shopping, I spent the past week pestering the living shit out of gently reminding him of what the boys wanted and what store to get it from.

There were two small boxes under the tree for them and Sweety swore that he’d bought boxes of Thin Mints and wrapped them up. I believed him. He was so convincing. I spent the past week being a little pissed off that he was being so grinchy, lazy, grouchy…and wouldn’t go to the store.

The Thin Mints? Weren’t Thin Mints. They were the things that the boys had asked for. I think I was more excited to see them under the tree than they were. But I still had a week’s worth of annoyance to get rid of.

As an early gift, Sweety didn’t put up a fuss about having Bekah and her kiddo (Sam aka The Artist) come down for a few days. The three of us tore Disney up and had a large time. I am ashamed to say that I LOVE THE MAGIC KINGDOM! The characters! The fireworks! I was going to go alone but it was soooo much better with a kid along. This way, I didn’t look like a complete weirdo as I squealed my way through the place.

And the fireworks show? Holy shit batman. Made me cry.

As you can see from a couple of posts down – we took some photos too. Sweety came home to us giggling in the locked bedroom and said, “Don’t do anything stupid in there.” when I came out to tell him hello. So, I did not touch Bekah’s boobies and you will not be seeing any coochie photos. But she took some kickass photos! When she turned the camera around so I could see them I was blown away. I don’t think I REALLY look like that but by posing properly and having good lighting…damn. I look pretty cute.

Stinky Dog would appreciate your good thoughtbeams. I think she strained a muscle in her shoulders/neck when she was getting a bath this morning. She did a u-turn in the tub and I don’t think she’s really built for that. She kind of vomited a little when she got out of the tub and shivered for a long time afterwards. I laid down on the couch with her to snuggle and she finally quit shivering. (She actually fell asleep so hard on me that I thought she was dead when I woke. That was a creepy 30 seconds.) She’s walking around and eating treats but she seems to be stepping tenderly and cries if I rub her neck. She’s asleep on the couch now and I’m hoping that a couple of days rest will help her feel better. Going to give her some pain medicine before bed too. If she’s not feeling better then I’ll take her to the vet on Tuesday.

Bah-humbug.

For some reason, it just doesn’t feel like Christmas-time to me. I think it’s the weather. It’s hard to feel Christmasish when you’re wiping away boob sweat and turning on the air conditioner.

I had other things to say but they left my head. Dammit.

Other than that, all is well.

People, if I do NOT get written up at work tomorrow – I swear I’ll be a model worker ant. Yesterday my supervisor was gone. A wall separates my desk from hers. I had just got off the phone with a wonderful customer and I hissed something along the lines of ‘aaagh! get off my phone, idiot!’. I did not know that another supervisor had decided to sit at her desk that day. Said supervisor came around the wall to cubeville and told me that he’d been having a really good day til about 30 seconds ago and pointed out that my bad mood could ruin my coworkers’ moods and that it would be at least 30 minutes before he was happy again. He said it in what I’m sure he thought was a friendly way but really? I’d have much rather he called me over to his desk and shoved bamboo shoots under my fingernails while privately telling me to shut the fuck up.

After he left, all of my podmates were agog (because honestly? we all have that attitude and say those things and I’m really happy he just heard me say ‘idiot’ instead of ‘flaming twatwad’) and said they loved my bad attitude and that it made them laugh. Some people started whispering ‘idiot’ to their phones after calls.

Sweety said this was proof that my bad attitude does affect others and that the supervisor was right. I say I’m not bringing anyone else down – we are all already down. We are commiserating. I’m just really hoping that this doesn’t get back to my supervisor and result in a write-up. They’ve been write-up happy and I haven’t gotten one yet. I’m about due.

The boys and I went to Sea World today. We got there and found out that our passes weren’t valid. Back in the summer, Sweety’s debit card number was stolen and replaced and we forgot to let Sea World know for their automatic billing so they were canceled. We fell back to plan B and went to Downtown Disney to watch a movie and eat lunch. (I had a gift card! Yay!) This was in the entryway to the men’s restroom at the restaurant…

Does this look like a giant sparkly penis or what?

I’ve always thought those people were nuts. Completely nuts. Guess who is going to see New Moon at 12:01 a.m. on November 20? Ahem. And yes, I totally admit that the acting in Twilight was beyond bad. I’m going to ogle at the kid that plays Jacob. Yes, I know he’s a baby. But he’ll be 18 someday and I won’t feel so lecherous while admiring him.

I’m going with a friend and some of her friends after I get off work on that Thursday. We’re going somewhere to eat (Kobe. I like feeling like my eyebrows could be singed off during the preparation of the meal. And drinks that look like volcanoes.) that I’ve want to go for awhile but haven’t and then we’ll go to the show. I’m excited!

I wasn’t so excited about the fact this is on a Thursday night and I’d have to go to work on Friday after being out til 3 a.m. But guess what? Sweety decided that we are going to Massachusetts to visit his mother and we leave out on the 21st. So I won’t even be going to work that day!

This coincidence totally leads me to believe that I was meant to see this movie at midnight.

We’ve never been to see his mother. She visited us shortly after we were married around Christmas and that’s the only time I’ve met her in person. I’m possibly the world’s worst daughter-in-law. I don’t like to talk to her on the phone (I don’t like to talk to hardly ANYONE on the phone. Unless I’ve given you my phone number. Then you’re cool.) because I don’t really know her. (Except for the stories that Sweety has relayed about his childhood. Kind of less than flattering stories.) And I don’t keep up the online site that she has access to to see photos of the boys.

She asked Sweety awhile back why we go see my mom every summer but don’t go see her. I told Sweety he was more than welcome to go see his mom but I wasn’t going if that meant I wouldn’t get to see my mom. When we got married, part of the deal was that he’d take me to see my mom once a year. It’s in the paperwork.

The boys had a baseball game tonight. It was originally scheduled to start at 6:30 but was changed to 7 p.m. because one kid and his mother can’t get here til 7. (The game went into overtime and we didn’t get out of there til almost 10. At least they won!)

It really aggravates the shit out of me. The kid that can’t get here til 7? His mom works in the concession stand. When she’s not working there, she is busy smoking her lungs out in the bleachers. Usually right in front of the “no smoking” sign.

I told Sweety that I was going to call 911 the next time some flaming twatwad lit a cigarette up but he advised against it. He says it’s not a true emergency and I would be arrested for abusing the system.

I’m thinking of using cash to buy one of those disposable cell phones and using it to make the call anyway.

What do you call kids born in whorehouses?
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Brothel sprouts.

Sweety bowls Friday night. He just announced, “In 72 hours? I’m going to be drunk!” I chime in with, “Me too!”

No, you’re going to be on a diet. You won’t get to drink.

I’ll drink Jack Daniel’s and Diet Coke!

Do you know what that is? CALORIES! How about you have a Jack Daniel’s enema? I’ll take a swig and then blow it into your ass.

He then pantomimed the position I would assume and the angle at which he would hold his head.

The scary part? I think he was serious.

In other news, he just ate a family sized sack of Cheetos.

I hate his metabolism. Fuck you, Sweety’s metabolism. Of course, I harbor NOOOOOO ill will towards him for sitting here and eating that whole fucking sack.