I clicked on my Twitter account (you can see the updates in the sidebar) yesterday morning and realized that my father was following me. (I think my sister showed him her account and she follows me.) And since my Twitter profile leads HERE, I had a tiny heart attack. I immediately called him and told him that he should never click over here in order to preserve his sanity. I pretty much made my blog out to be something that would turn a father into a pillar of salt. He said, “Well, they say you shouldn’t put anything on the internet that you’re ashamed of.” I told him I wasn’t ashamed of anything here but wanted to save him embarrassment. He does not need to see my boobs. Or hear about me sucking Sweety’s weenie.

Then I went on a giant Twitter purge (if you haven’t talked back to me when I talked to you in the past few days) and block (if I knew you before this blog was born) and I feel cleansed now. I will now physically phone call more people so they do not feel that they need to follow me on Twitter.

I was a cunt hair away from killing Twitter and the blog.

Did you see the movie The Wrestler? We watched it tonight. I can totally see why it is taken as a good movie. But dammit, I like a happy ending. I would have been pissed off if we’d have paid to see it in the theater. I’m washing away the sadness with Pineapple Express. I’ve already seen it (in the theater!) but I like it. I might watch it AGAIN tonight.

Oh! The Rocker! I’ve got that and Sweety hasn’t enjoyed it properly. I’ll shove that down his throat after this!

…..a lot of time has passed since i wrote that last sentence.

In the meantime…

Tiny Dog bit the hell out of me because I was taunting her with a french fry. Bitch does NOT like her fries to be teases.

We are still watching Pineapple Express. Thank goodness for pause buttons.

Love is letting your Sweety have 2 cheeseburgers when you want one of them.

Love is still loving your Tiny Dog when she won’t eat from your mouth. I thought she’d like a bit of burger and fries since she begged for that shit but she refused. Sweety laughed while she snubbed me. That’s okay. I’ll still sneak her in the bed and sniff her toes.

And here is me 2 weeks ago ish (i fucking hate when people say “ish”, but Sweety does it so I do too.”

Please, pay no attention to my ruffled eyebrows. I wish I could photoshop those fuckers straight.

18 Comments | In: excuse me while i scream, saturday night gratuitous photo, toast | | #

Sweety has mentioned that I’m an extremist. I’m either off or on. Going at whatever 100 mph or hiding under the covers. You could call the terror alert level here at orange as of late.

Things previously posted about have come to fruition. How am I dealing with it? Well, for a few weeks, I just didn’t do it. Then I realized that no matter what I say, I really can’t afford to get canned. Not being one to halfway do shit – I’m doing my best to just do it.

Thank you, Xanax. Without you, I am nothing. (Really. Nothing. Because those things make me want to eat. I ran out of food at work the other day and ate a pencil sharpener and a pad of post-it notes. True story.) I only eat them on workdays and Sweety hates it. But they keep me from crying at work. It freaks him out when I come home and am emotionless. He prefers cunty-goodness-Anna to blahed-the-fuck-out-Anna. He’s crazy.

To divert us from me becoming a pillhead at work (Oh! A friend at work got fired/quit on Friday! My workday has gotten even shittier. I did not know that was even possible!) or biting family members’ heads off in my spare time – here is some doggy goodness.

This is Stinky Dog loving some dog ice cream. I didn’t know she’d eat something cold but since she enjoys it, I’m going to start freezing some broth for her. Notice the hint of tongue? I am a huge fan of peeks of dog tongue. It’s like it’s something that you aren’t supposed to see.

And here is Tiny Dog being a little asshole. She wasn’t too fond of the ice cream but she didn’t eat it until Stinky finished hers and came sniffing around. Then she just gobbled it down. No licking. I bet that bitch got one hell of a brain freeze.

This is her little snaggletooth. Sweety says we should put a brace on it to straighten it out but I think it adds character.

8 Comments | In: canines, cube farm, excuse me while i scream | | #

I fell asleep on the couch this evening and woke up one cranky fucking bitch.

Stinky Dog got the ball rolling by pissing on the carpet. Stinky, it’s a good thing that I love you so much or I’d have kicked a hole in you.

Had to go to the store for milk and stopped to mail my Mother’s Day card. The stamp machine at our rotten little post office was out of order. Surprise, surprise. Was able to buy a book of stamps at the pharmacy. Had no idea until checkout that a book of 12 stamps would be $8.40. Seventy fucking cents a stamp! Fuck you, CVS. Fuck you and your stamp price mark-up in the ass with a dry brick.

Got in my car and the fuel light came on. There’s all kinds of road construction going on and it was an almighty trial to just get into the damned gas station. Then I squirted gas on my foot. I swear, I’d have set myself on fire if I’d have had a lighter.

Decided that maybe NOW was the time to get some prescriptions refilled. But I can’t find them. Great! Now I get to call my doctor to get replacement scripts and he will know how long I’ve gone without taking things and chew my ass out.

And under it all is the reminder that I have to go to work tomorrow and do shit that I absolutely do not agree with. Do it or get fired. I fucking hate this.

The Fury is here for a visit. May I have mercy on everyone.

10 Comments | In: excuse me while i scream | | #

Today I volunteered at the Book Fair at the boys’ school.

I heard a lady list all of her ailments (hysterectomy, hernia, gall bladder removal, aching knees…the list goes on!) to every adult that walked through the door. I was ready to poke my eardrums out.

Do you know what I had ready for her every time she told me a sickness snippet? A Tiny Dog tale. Because I know that she had to be as interested in my motherfucking dog as I was in her numerous surgeries.

It was the longest three hours of my life.

7 Comments | In: daily blah, excuse me while i scream | | #

He is addicted to using baking soda as an antacid. We buy it in 2 pound boxes. A few days ago – he ran out. It was bedtime and he was freaking out because he was afraid that he wouldn’t be able to sleep through his heartburn or whatever if he couldn’t have some before bed.

So he peeked in the cabinet where the box stays. Eureka! The previous box had leaked out some during its stay with us!

He scraped it up and picked out whatever grub that was mixed in with it the best that he could. He was so happy. Like a crackhead who found a rock hidden in the couch cushion.

It was just enough to mix up and drink.

Gross. Gross. Gross.

I offered to go to the store and get a new box for him but he declined. He is brave and unafraid of eating termite eggs.

22 Comments | In: excuse me while i scream, husband | | #

The first thing I find on the internet this morning is this site where you can give yourself some tuning up. (Thanks, Jeni!) I wasted too much of my life seeing what I’d look like without wrinkles or bags under my eyes. Then I put some eye cream on and took a nap.

Rolled outta bed to find that Stinky Dog had taken a giant, horse-sized, shit right beside my bed. WTF? She has never done that before. Then – when I pick up the still steaming pile and put it in the toilet? It almost clogs the toilet up. If that would have happened, seriously, Stinky Dog would be on “vacation” with Chi Chi 2.0 right now.

I had friends from work over to my house on Sunday. This was the very first time that I had ever invited someone over. It’s really hard for me to make friends. I worry that they will think I’m a dork when I open my mouth. Or find something horrifying about my house. So I generally never ask people over. I’ll come to your house and be a nice guest but what if I invite you over and you say no because you secretly can’t stand me?

Ahem.

As I was saying, friends over. The plan was to eat and drink a little and for me to get some ideas on decorating my house. By the time the night ended, another friend and I drank a whole bottle of tequila and I lost the last 2 or 3 hours of the night.

Woke up with skinned elbows, a sore back, bruised knee and a sticky face. Sweety said, “I’ve known you a long time and have never seen the sort of thing that happened that night.” He said it was totally fucking crazy when it was going on but now he wants to laugh when he thinks about it. He also said he’s having a hard time looking right at me and that I need to apologize to him every time I see him. I won’t argue with that.

I’ve decided to lay off tequila for awhile. I will have it again when Bekah comes down in May. She’s never had Patron tequila before and I’m thinking of buying us two tiny bottles of tequila so I am not tempted to drink a whole half bottle. And I’d hate to have to take her to the hospital to get her stomach pumped while she’s here.

25 Comments | In: canines, daily blah, excuse me while i scream | | #