The first thing I find on the internet this morning is this site where you can give yourself some tuning up. (Thanks, Jeni!) I wasted too much of my life seeing what I’d look like without wrinkles or bags under my eyes. Then I put some eye cream on and took a nap.

Rolled outta bed to find that Stinky Dog had taken a giant, horse-sized, shit right beside my bed. WTF? She has never done that before. Then – when I pick up the still steaming pile and put it in the toilet? It almost clogs the toilet up. If that would have happened, seriously, Stinky Dog would be on “vacation” with Chi Chi 2.0 right now.

I had friends from work over to my house on Sunday. This was the very first time that I had ever invited someone over. It’s really hard for me to make friends. I worry that they will think I’m a dork when I open my mouth. Or find something horrifying about my house. So I generally never ask people over. I’ll come to your house and be a nice guest but what if I invite you over and you say no because you secretly can’t stand me?

Ahem.

As I was saying, friends over. The plan was to eat and drink a little and for me to get some ideas on decorating my house. By the time the night ended, another friend and I drank a whole bottle of tequila and I lost the last 2 or 3 hours of the night.

Woke up with skinned elbows, a sore back, bruised knee and a sticky face. Sweety said, “I’ve known you a long time and have never seen the sort of thing that happened that night.” He said it was totally fucking crazy when it was going on but now he wants to laugh when he thinks about it. He also said he’s having a hard time looking right at me and that I need to apologize to him every time I see him. I won’t argue with that.

I’ve decided to lay off tequila for awhile. I will have it again when Bekah comes down in May. She’s never had Patron tequila before and I’m thinking of buying us two tiny bottles of tequila so I am not tempted to drink a whole half bottle. And I’d hate to have to take her to the hospital to get her stomach pumped while she’s here.

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I want to jump whenever I’m in a high place like a stadium, at the top of a flight of stairs or on the edge of a cliff. I figure that I’m going to fall anyway so I may as well do it on my own terms. Luckily, I’m also a little bit of a chickenshit and have never followed through.

Today I was thinking about astronauts. And spacewalking. Can you imagine being in outer space? Tethered to your shuttle by just a little cord?

The thought makes my breath hitch.

I would yank it off before I could think twice about it and just float away. The adrenaline rush you’d get the second after you pulled your umbilical cord from the spaceship would be unreal!

I’m so glad I’m not an astronaut.

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Sweety has lost his fucking mind.

He came home today and announced that we needed to have a baby so we could “do it right”. He’s pretty sad that LB & BB get the short end of the stick at the coaew’s and thinks it would be nice if he could have a baby and “do it right”.

I like to sleep in too much for that. I’m too old. My eggs are raisins.

I kicked him in the testicles and made him a drink.

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I went to the kill shelter alone today. I knew that it would make me cry and I didn’t want Sweety and the boys gawking at me. Figured if there was a dog there for us that I’d go back later with them. There wasn’t though. All of the dogs there (save for a couple of gigantic ones) had notes on their cages that said they either weren’t good with other animals or children.

It was a horrible place. It smelled like bleach and pee and all of the dogs looked so hopeful when you walked by their cages. I cried like a baby when I got in the car. Then I went to the shelter where they don’t kill the dogs to see what was shaking over there. No good prospects there either. Then I drove home and listened to country music and bawled some more. I felt like having an emotional morning. I perked up as soon as I got back home. My tear ducts just needed a good purge.

Have you heard about Disney letting you in free on your birthday? I have decided that I unashamedly love The Magic Kingdom and have been planning my free day in August. I got to thinking that I needed to borrow a kid from someone to take with me so I wouldn’t look like a lonely loser when I go.

Luckily, Bekah has rescued me!

She will be in Florida in April and is going to be kind enough to time part of her visit with my day off so we can go to Disney! We will go on a weekday so it won’t be so crowded! She said she will wear mouse ears with me! Her kid will be there! So I can pretend that I am being a big goof for the fun of the child. I. Can’t. Wait. I went to sleep thinking about it last night. I think I will get one of those mouse ear hats that has a princess hat on top of it.

I will still go for free in August. Maybe Sweety will go and be a dork with me. I wish Disney had the option to buy an annual pass and spread the payments out as monthly payments instead of making you pay for them up front. That is why we aren’t passholders. It would just hurt too much to pay that much money at once.

Speaking of birthdays…

Amy’s is coming up and she has a great post about it. I wish I felt the way that she does. I’ll be 33 this year and for some reason, it is freaking me out. 25 was hard. 29 was really bad. 30 was no big deal. 31 and 32 just slid on by without me hardly even noticing them. Why is 33 making me cringe? I’m thinking maybe I don’t like those 3′s side by side or something. I guess it is better than the alternative.

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