First off, no offense to any cat lovers. I LIKE CATS. Cats that live inside or stay in their yard or are respectful of boundaries. I know some of you have cats. I like your cats. I like to see pictures of them and YOUR cats seem very civilized and if you were to ever grace me with a visit – you would be more than welcome to bring your bundle of love.

Does anyone have a good method of getting rid of cats that doesn’t involve nuking the neighborhood? Our neighbors have a bunch of the hairy bastards and they keep coming into our garage and pissing on everything. And shitting. There is nothing that will make your day more glittery-special than coming home from work and stepping in catshit. We have a cat (Girl) and I love her. I feed her wet food twice a day! I wouldn’t be as upset if it was her shit. But to have it coming from a nasty pissy cat that bullies the hell out of mine is too much.

When I’m home during the day, I leave the garage door cracked a bit so Girl can come and go as she pleases. I’m afraid it’s too hot for her to be outside all day and she doesn’t like being cooped up in the garage with the door closed. The other cats take this as their invitation to completely fuck my place up. They spray my tires! My sweet little car’s shoes have been violated! And the smell? For the love of all that is good and holy, it smells like bad urine in there. (not to be confused with good urine!)

One of them (a 3-legged bastard) actually got trapped in our garage last night when I closed it. My first instinct was to beat his piss-spraying self with a broom but I gave him a chance. I opened the door and yelled at him at the top of my lungs so his owners could hear politely gave him to the count of five to hop on out. He did.

I’ve already decided that I’m going to start collecting the cat turds and depositing them somewhere in the neighbor’s yard on a weekly basis. My first thought was to hurl them into their yard as I found them each day but I decided I wanted to go with the dramatic. A turd here and there? You might miss them. A pile of them decaying by your mailbox? No overlooking that.

27 Comments | In: excuse me while i scream, grouching | | #

Am I the last person to see this website where you can find things under someone’s email address? I looked up my addresses (even the ones that I have never used on my blog. one email address that I haven’t used in almost 10 years!) and they led here in some roundabout way. I am so tempted to pay the membership fee to stalk myself and see what everyone else can. That is a crazy thing to do. I will resist the urge.

The boys are here tonight instead of at their mother’s because LB had a 2 hour baseball practice tonight and it was too much of an almighty trial for her to take him. Today was an unexpected day off and I’d planned on sleeping in and running naked around the house but ended up going to the dollar movie theater instead. We had to get out of the house before cabin fever set in. I ran them ragged helping me get the house clean yesterday and we were all ready to get out.

Anyone want to make a bet? I am scheduled off on the 25th (Thursday) of this month as a Random Day Off To Not Do Shit and the coaew’s spaying is set for the 26th. She is supposed to pick up the boys Thursday morning and drop them off here that night before her procedure on Friday but I bet you a dollar that they will be here all day long. I feel evil but I’m not even going to mention to them that I’m off on that day because I’d kind of like to be alone. Honestly, if there is time available to be off work on the 26th, then I will change my day and it won’t bother me because I know they’re going to be here that day. It will irk me if she decides that they will stay here instead of with her just because I’m going to be home and it will be easier for her.

I like being with the boys. It just annoys the fuck out of me that she will be all “oh, I can’t stand to go (whatever number of days) without seeing the boys!” but then use any excuse to not get them. After she’s been kind enough to tell Sweety that I’m not doodly-squat to the boys. You know what I mean? Not that I don’t like being around them. They are interesting and we do have a lot of fun together.

Maybe I’m on high alert too because she felt the need to call Sweety today with a totally fucking ignorant parenting question. For crying out loud, this nutball has birthed 4 and is in charge of SEVEN and can’t make obvious choices?

Is it okay if I let the boys watch a movie alone in the mall theater while I walk around with the other kids?

Well, BB did go to Indianapolis on a school trip (and will be driving next year!) and they’re both getting to be grown. I would say so. But why?

Well, they don’t like to watch the same kinds of movies that the little kids do.

First off, didn't she say at first that she was going to "walk around the mall" with the other kids? Not take them to another movie? Pick your story and stick to it. And second? Why bother asking him what he thinks? She sure as shit didn't ask him if he was okay with encouraging LB to shoot fucking birds! (imagine that last sentence being sung by me in a high-pitched screamsong that fades to nothing) And third? The boys will watch ANY FUCKING MOVIE YOU TAKE THEM TO. We saw Race To Witch Mountain today and they were begging to go see Up! but I didn’t feel like shelling out for full priced tickets. We’re all geared up to watch G-Force. A movie about talking guinea pigs. They’re not too picky in the “going to the movies” department.

BB had a dinner at school a couple of weeks ago and it was her scheduled night but Sweety took him. She told Sweety that BB “looks at her weird” when she goes places with him. BB thanked Sweety for taking him “because it’s always so hard for mom to find a sitter or all the kids come too.”

I want to send her a “congratulations on not subjecting the world to more from your womb!” card but Hallmark didn’t have one. Bastards.

Please forgive my excessive use of quotation marks, italics and the word “fuck”. I think I’m a bit premenstrual. You really wanted to know that, huh?

Here. Let me end with something that makes me laugh.

Tiny Dog will get all pissed off sometimes when we get too close to her cage and will run inside to “guard” it. Even if there is no food in her bowl, she will still growl over it. So when she did it the other night, Sweety closed her cage door and lined Cheetos (food from the doggy gods) up….

and let Stinky Dog eat them all. I saw a blood vessel burst in Tiny’s eye while this was going down.

25 Comments | In: canines, coaew, grouching | | #

You all know it’s Easter this weekend? Right? I guess that shit sneaked up on the coaew because she couldn’t wait around for the boys’ baseball practice to end tonight so she could take them home (her night) because she needed to get ready for Easter. It just bugs the living shit out of me that she does this kind of thing. What the fuck does that say to the boys? I’ve already tweeted my annoyance and I’ll leave it alone.

So we are staying up super late and I’m letting them snack on whatever junk we have here.

10 Comments | In: coaew, grouching | | #

Sweety gave me blogger’s block this weekend.

I was telling him about something and I had blogged about it and said something like, “You didn’t read it?”. Because I had been under the impression that he kept up with things here. (because I know he reads the Twitters in the sidebar because he mentions them.) His reply? “No. Why do I want to read that boring shit? Your dogs, job and the coaew. That’s it. Over and over and over.”

There was utter silence in the car for about 10 minutes.

You know, that was kind of a mean thing to say.

What?

That my posts are boring. Even if they are. That wasn’t nice. You could have just said you didn’t read it.

What I meant was the things you write about are repetitive because that’s all you do.

You know what?! Sometimes people send me emails letting me know they like my boring! (imagine a nice, shrill voice here. maybe I was feeling sensitive and my eyes were moist too)

*blink* *blink* Maybe I should start getting out and doing things. So I am less repetitive, asshole. (okay, the asshole part was only in my head.)

I think Sweety sensed that the Homeland Security alert had just went up to Orange.

You make your things sound interesting though! You’re like ramen!

Ramen? Fifteen cents a package ramen? WTF?

No, wait! Your life is like plain ramen noodles but you are like the ramen seasoning packet. Once you sprinkle on there it’s all interesting!

So I’ve been trying to think of something new to blog about and have come up empty handed.

I did take out some frustration on Sweety’s ass on Saturday night though. I love my little riding crop. And tequila. He still has a criss-cross pattern back there.

There! That didn’t pertain to work or dogs or coaew!

23 Comments | In: daily blah, grouching | | #