Le Vomit

Oh, holy hell, people.

We went to a birthday party today. For a seven year old.

It morphed into the adults playing cornhole in the backyard.

When is a good time to leave the party? When you see that points in the cornhole game are being celebrated with shots of Jagermeister.

Who is conked out on the sofa right now? If you guessed Sweety – you win!

I drove home and by the time I got the car parked he was passed out in an unglorious heap asleep on the living room floor. I went to bed. I woke up awhile later to what sounded like a hippopotamus dying. It was just Sweety. Puking all over the floor. It looks like someone was murdered in the living room.

Yes. I’m looking at puke splashes as I type. All of this carpet is going to be ripped up and replaced within the next few weeks so I’m not cleaning it. I fought the dogs over it as I scraped up the chunky stuff (how weird is it that Oliver won’t taste alcohol out of a cup but he will tear up some Jagermeister and M&M infused upchuck?) and I’m just going to make Sweety cut out the soiled spots when he won’t cut off his finger because he’s drunk wakes up.

FYI – If you have an iPhone? A Ballistic case protects against submersion in puke! Sure, it was gross as hell to clean up for him (as he told me what a good woman I am. heh.) but at least the phone didn’t get fried.

I told him (during a brief conscious moment a bit ago) that he needs to get out of the house with his friends more. I think he was suffering from cabin fever and totally overdid it when he had the chance.

The best part? I get to wake him up at 3:30 a.m. to go to work. I fully expect to see a grown man cry.

I’m No Interior Decorator

We have a new entertainment system and had to move some furniture around. We’re butting heads over what to put on that table. Sweety want to put a fake plant there. Not a live plant because it seems that my presence is enough to kill even the hardiest plant. I want to put Chi Chi 2.0 there. I think it would be hilarious to come home every day and see her little face there. Isn’t home one place you should be able to laugh? I agree with Sweety that it would be weird, but so what? It’s my house and my dog and my table.

I think if you’re nutty enough to freeze dry your dog that putting her on display is only natural.

I’m Probably Too Old For This Shit

Have you ever heard of Insane Clown Posse? All I knew about them was that my friend (17 year old neighbor) was a huge fan. I knew this because she had stuff with the hatchet man logo on them.

I didn’t know he was a little man with a hatchet until I went birthday shopping for her. I asked her Grandma what she might like and she said that she’d love anything with “the running man logo” on it. You should have seen the looks on the faces of the girls in the store after telling them I needed something with a red man holding a lightening bolt and they didn’t know what I meant by my verbal description. They knew exactly what I was looking for when I did my best profile pose mimicking what I wanted.

I found a baseball hat for her birthday and she loved it. I was pleased. I like getting people gifts that they like.

And now, Christmas is coming up and I was trying to figure out what to get for her and her sisters. I decided that I’d take her sisters (ages 12 & 14) parkhopping at The Land Of The Mouse and I’d ask her if she’d like to go see Insane Clown Posse when they have a show a couple of hours away from here next month. She wanted to go. Part of me kind of thought that she might not want to since I’m a grown-up but she said that I was a teenager at heart when I gave her an easy out to decline the invitation.

Unfortunately, I didn’t ask her in time to buy the really good tickets that gave you a chance to meet them. (Because I was fearing rejection.) It didn’t occur to me that these tickets would fly like hotcakes and I realized I needed to hurry up and ask her before they were all gone.

I borrowed all of the ICP CDs that she has because I feel like I need to have a tiny idea of what the hell I’m going to listen to. When she brought the discs over, she asked if I’d ever listened to them before and when I told her no – she said, “Well, it’s kind of different.”

Normally, on my way to work, I spend my time listening to National Public Radio shows or an audiobook. This morning I decided to dive into her music. Sweet, tiny baby Jesus who has never had his eardrums assaulted – there was nothing soothing about it. It’s some pretty fucked up shit. I’d never listened to music before that actually nauseated me. I have to admire them for that.

We’re still going to the concert. I’ve already bought the tickets and I will not be afraid!

P.S. Her grandparents know what kind of music she listens too (and despise it) and I asked them if she could go before I mentioned it to her. She’s a really good kid who has had one hell of a life. I wish she were mine.


You can click it to see the carefully edited photo in all its glory.

For the record, I do not lounge around naked with the dog (well, not without a blanket between us). She was being ejected from the bed.

I love the look on Tiny Dog’s face.