I’ll be glad when Sweety is finished building the nursery and we can put the house back together. It looks like a sheetrock bomb blew up in here. The walls are up and covered and we’re going to pick out the carpet tomorrow. Still have to have the ceiling and walls textured or whatever.

Wombats, opossums, owls and trees are going to the the theme of the nursery. If the Bean had been a boy – he was going to be named Roland and have a Dark Tower themed room. Maybe next time, heh.

I think Oliver understood me when I explained to him that he was going to have his very own bedroom in our new closet. He went in there and dropped his bone like it belonged. He’s ready for some privacy away from the terrorizing ways of Tiny Dog. She likes to stand behind him and bark while he’s eating. I can’t imagine that that is good for his digestion.

I’m feeling the Bean move around a little now! Very cool.

My tits are getting so heavy that I sleep with a pillow between them when I’m sleeping on my side to keep the top one from smashing the bottom one. Sweety happened to walk into the room one night while I was adjusting the tit-pillow and said that it was a sight that he could have lived his whole life without seeing. Sorry, dude.

Soon, I won’t be able to groom my cooch. My boobs are getting in the way. Will you hold my tits up so I can whack away down there?

Um, how about you get a wax job done?

Dude! No way am I paying someone to rip hair off my vag!

Well, maybe I would pay them for you.

Oh, so you’re saying it’s a total turnoff to think about hoisting my tits up so I can see to shave.

Yes.

22 Comments | In: conversation, gestating, randomness | | #

There? You hear that sound? It sounds much like nothing?

Yeah. That’s me sucking an imaginary bag of dicks. That’s about how useful I’ve been lately. I have a metric ton of stuff to blog about but a hard time getting it on here. That trip to Bekah’s four months ago? Yeah, that’s in my noggin. An awesome early gift that Sweety got me for our 10th anniversary? A kick-ass baby blanket someone made? Yes and yes. These things are all banging around in my head.

Oh. Speaking of these things reminds me that I have stuff that needs to be mailed. I dub NEXT Wednesday “get your ass to the post office day”. Let it be written. Let it be known.

And we found out what flavor the Bean is today! A girl! Yay! I’m so pleased. We’re going to name her Sunny, after my Mom.

On the 3rd of this month we took off on a road trip to see Sweety’s Mom in Massachusetts and we got home on the 13th.

We stopped along the way and visited Mount Vernon. There I learned that the Bowling Green wasn’t a nicely groomed lawn where George Washington entertained guests with some version of lawn bowling.

We spent a couple of days at Sweety’s father’s house. That was interesting. I was educated on the fact that I’ve been making sandwiches incorrectly. Apparently, you shouldn’t put mustard on the bread – you should put it on the meat. The look I got from my FIL as I continued to make my sandwich wrong was priceless. And what did the boys say after coming back from their canoeing trip with dear old grandpa? “Wow. We didn’t know grandpa was so racist.” Yes, boys…have an undiluted peeky-poo at grandpa. He’s a gem, eh? There’s a reason that Sweety speaks to him approximately once a year. He was even nice enough to ask if I was pregnant on purpose.

Sweety’s Mom took me maternity clothes shopping! It was great because I just got naked in the dressing room and Sweety ferried clothing back to me to try on. I was planning on just buying a bunch of giant men’s t-shirts to wear but I have to admit, I look better with clothes that fit. When we were visiting her, the boys stayed with her and her husband and Sweety and I were in a hotel. It was nice to be alone. Sweety learned that he can watch sports for two hours while I check out porn on my phone and then I will snap him in half after the lights go out. A good time was had by all.

Bwahahahahaha! I just got off the phone with Sweety and he relayed the following conversation to me. BB went to visit his girlfriend at her house for the first time today.

So, did you kiss her?

BB just smiles.

You did.

Yeah.

How do you know what to do? Do you practice or something?

I’m the master. I take notes.

Huh? How are you the master?

I’ve been watching you and Anna. You kiss whenever you see each other and when you say goodbye. So I figure that’s the thing to do.

I am now desperately hoping that BB didn’t lay one on the girl in front of her mother as he was entering and exiting the house. I’m afraid to ask.

32 Comments | In: bwahahahahaha!, gestating, randomness, sprogs, vacation | | #

I had another doctor’s appointment today. We didn’t get to see the Bean but we did hear the heartbeat. 160. Sweety said that a high heartbeat confirms that the Bean is a girl. Sweety is very sure a girl is on the way. It doesn’t matter to me if we have a boy or a girl. I’m just looking forward to sniffing fresh baby.

This was the first visit with this doctor. I decided to change doctors after hearing bad things about my old one from a few different people. The reviews I found online for him were all awful too. The reason he’d been my gynecologist for so long? I picked him because he’s close to a Korean restaurant I like. Probably not the best way to pick a coochie doctor. Or any doctor. The new doctor used to practice with the old one and I saw her a few years ago and really liked her. She used a neat phrase to describe me today. “Advanced maternal age”. Nothing makes you feel old quite like that does.

When we left, Sweety said that I wasn’t old but that my coochie was. I asked him if coochies aged in dog years or what. Then he changed his mind and said that coochies are actually younger than the rest of your body because you don’t start to really use them until you’ve been alive for awhile. Sometimes I wonder what the hell goes on in his head when he’s being quiet.

Here is my view right now.

Sweety is hard at work building a new bedroom. I will be glad when it’s all done and there isn’t dust all over the place or power tools being used all of the time. I’m super grateful that our neighbor has done electrical work and is helping Sweety with that. I do not need to come home and discover that Sweety is a tater-tot on the livingroom floor.

18 Comments | In: gestating, randomness | | #

I’ve been a hot mess since Sunday. I worked that day and as the day went on, realized that I had a pinched nerve in my shoulder that was causing my arm to hurt like hell. I also realized that what I’d been calling “heartburn” (a metric ton of burping) was, in fact, NOT heartburn. REAL heartburn actually feels like your heart is on fire. Yay for new discoveries. Between the heartburn, constant burping (with about every 3rd burp triggering my gag reflex so I yakked like a cat trying to hoark up a hairball), the backache, the arm hurt and wanting to vomit constantly? I was a total vision of loveliness when I got home that night. Also, everyone buy stock in Maalox because that has become my new treat. I’ve convinced myself that the fruit chewables taste like my favorite candy, Smarties.

Got no sleep Sunday night because I’d wake up needing to puke every hour and 45 minutes when the stuff I’d rubbed on my back wore off and ended up not going to work on Monday. I hid in the bed with a heating pad until everything started to feel a little better.

Now I’m living in fear that the pinched nerve will come back and fuck my day up.

The coaew sent Sweety some really awesome texts Sunday night! I’m glad that I was too occupied with myself to give them too much inspection. As it was, I read her drivel and laughed like a hyena and told Sweety to delete that shit because I knew I didn’t need to read it later when I had the energy to get good and mad. The boys had told us that they wanted to play baseball this summer. This would entail them being here a lot more than at her house and they were okay with that. (for the record, Sweety had a conversation with the coaew about summer baseball and she said if they wanted to play and be over here more that it was okay) We didn’t push them to play, just let them know they could if they wanted to. I guess LB said something to his mother about how it was too hot and he didn’t want to play (this was after he told Sweety that he wanted to try out). The fried cunt calls Sweety at work and is rambling on and when he tries to explain to her the conversation he had with the boys she tells him to not take it out on her if he’s having a bad day. So he hung up on her because it appeared that the conversation had run its course. That’s when the text messages started blowing up his phone.

The point she was trying to make (or I think anyway. it seems that her phone doesn’t have a spellcheck and she isn’t familiar with many basic grammar rules) was that just because the boys only saw her on weekends didn’t mean that they didn’t share information with her and that Sweety needs to not push them.

And she hopes when the boys are grown that they will see all she sacrificed for them. That bitch hasn’t sacrificed shit. I’m sorry that she married the first sucker that would have her and had to move an hour away from where they go to school and it’s not feasible for her to pick them up and bring them to school every day. (when it was suggested to her that the boys stay here during the school week – she sure didn’t have any alternate suggestion) She doesn’t sacrifice any time for them because if something they are doing interferes with her other life then they get shuttled to the side. She damn sure doesn’t sacrifice any money. She bitches that it would cost $5 for her to watch them play in a game but that dingbat has never paid for anything they do. The boys can thank me and my insurance for their straight teeth, thank you very much.

Dudes. Seriously. When the boys DON’T play sports? It’s a whole fucking lot easier around here. Does she think we LIKE running all over central Florida in the heat? Burning up gas and weekends to see them sometimes only play a tiny bit of a game? Honestly, I’d rather poke my bad eye out than deal with baseball season. Not to mention the money that’s involved with paying for them to play along with the equipment! We do it because they ask to play. There have been seasons where they didn’t play because they didn’t want to. BB is at an age where I think he really likes doing extracurricular activities because it gives him the chance to hang out with his friends. And LB is going into high school next year so if he makes this summer team – he will know some people besides his brother when school starts.

Anyhoo. Both boys said last night that they were trying out today. I expect if LB makes the team that the coaew will bitch to Sweety about making her kid play in the heat. Whatever. Oh! And the last text she sent after ranting? Was about how excited LB was that Sweety was going to mount his first deer.

I swear, if a fucking deer head shows up in the garage that I will eat its nose so it’s not pretty anymore and then wipe my ass all over it.

10 Comments | In: coaew, randomness, sprogs | | #