Sweety got me some kickass shoes a few couple of weeks ago and I told him to not get me anything for Christmas because that would be my gift. Sweety is an awesome gift giver. The lovely ring in 2007 and signed book and marshmallow gun of 2008 were real surprises. He’s also been great about having my friends and family come down to visit too. I was expecting nothing to open on Christmas morning but when things started appearing under the tree, I couldn’t help but wonder what they were.

I was super excited to see Sweety open his gifts because I’d been listening all year whenever he said that he wanted something (Even to his sleep talking. He gave me gift ideas in his sleep.) and I had found it all. All at good prices and some things that could only be found online.

Let me set the scene: This was the night of Christmas Eve. The previous week at work had been shit. Complete shit. Like, “here, let me cry at my desk multiple times while everyone watches” kind of shit. The last time Sweety had mentioned it, we were going to have to take the boys to the coaew on Christmas morning. On Christmas Eve (after I’m off work and we’re on our way out to eat with the boys in the car), it is brought to my attention that she’s picking them up around noon on Christmas Day. Which meant we could have had an early Christmas dinner instead of going out to eat after I got off of work on Christmas Eve. Perhaps I haven’t mentioned my extreme annoyance at the holiday scheduling of the boys? Officially, I was afuckingnoyed.

All night Sweety kept saying that he couldn’t wait for me to open my presents. But the manner in which he was saying it kind of alarmed me. It was like, “I can’t wait to see your reaction, muahahahahaha!” More alarm bells started ringing when Sweety and BB got out of the car to run into the pharmacy and LB spent the whole time telling me that he had been telling Sweety that my gift was a bad idea and that they should get me something else.

We got home and Sweety and the boys opened their presents first. Sweety wanted me to open mine last so they could watch me. (He was also kind enough to video it. I decided me telling you about this would make me sound like a big enough bitch. You don’t need to see the look on my face or witness me throwing a dusting mitten at Sweety.) They were all grinning at me like hyenas and I noticed that the boys had positioned themselves on the outskirts of the room. I was tired of the week and felt like my last nerve was coated in sea salt.

The theme of my gift this year was “from the clearance bin at the hardware store”. The best part was some of the items are totally useless in this house. Does anyone need tarp holder clips? I have no tarp or truck that I would use a tarp cover clip on. How about a mitt you wear to dust the furniture? Because I’m not a fan of dusting. It’s so much fun to doodle in the dust after its collected! A toilet paper hanger? Doesn’t fit either of our toilets. Some animal crackers that are most likely expired?

I’d put makeup on before leaving work to try and make my mood better. I laughed my crazy laugh for a good 30 minutes after opening the gifts and streaked my face up like a clown. Sweety cornered me in the bedroom and told me that I needed to quit laughing because I was scaring the children.

Sweety’s inspiration for this? I’d told him a few weeks ago about the Christmas where my Mom stuffed socks into toilet paper rolls and my sister and I had gone nuts trying to figure out what the packages were. We saved them to open last and were a bit disappointed. After I’d opened everything, Sweety asked me what I thought. Told him it reminded me of that Christmas and he beamed, “Yes! That is what I was going for!”

I kind of felt like I’d been the butt of someone’s joke all week long and now my family was laughing at me too. Maybe I was a little irrational.

Let me say that I’m happy:
To have a roof over my head.
That I have a bellyful of food.
To not be worrying about how to pay for utilities.
That we’re all basically healthy.

I know some people didn’t have any gifts to open and maybe their loved one is gone. I know some kids in Africa have flies skating on their eyeballs. I know that this makes me look like the biggest ungrateful bitch around.

Me, Sweety and the boys are all having laughs about it now. I did tell the boys if they have wives to never do this to them, especially if the wife is working at a crappy job and has had a crummy week.

Sweety was super duper nice New Year’s Eve and got tickets to the Merle Haggard show in February. I was planning on buying one ticket to go alone and sit in the nosebleed section (because Sweety is not a fan of crowds or live music) but he got them four rows from the stage! Sweet.

Here is some more meanness…

For the record, the very sound coaew’s voice touches something very visceral in me. That part that wants to kill things with my teeth. I was sitting on the couch in the living room on Christmas morning and heard her braying like a donkey yell a question to Sweety while he was standing in the garage. I immediately wanted to hop up, grab a stick, sharpen it and poke her eyes out while eating her neck. I went to the potty instead. (Yes, people, I call it “potty”. I like that word. Say it a few time. Potty. Potty. Pawteee.) It seemed to be a fitting thing to do while I waited for her to leave my yard.

Can I point out that if you’re sending your kids off during the day to do something sports related and you’ve known about it for months that it would be a good idea to have all of their shit together and a plan for things before children-swap-off-time on Christmas? I’m just saying. Sweety was running around like a chicken with his head cut off trying to get the boys’ stuff together and I hear that whore caterwauling about how she doesn’t know where to drop the boys off. I have an idea – Mapquest that shit and get away from my house.

Oh, and that stunned cunt had the nerve to call Sweety and suggest to him that we get LB an iPod Touch at our house because she was getting BB one at hers and LB was bent out of shape about it. I guess she asked them privately what they each wanted and LB named something and when he found out later that BB asked for an iPod and was getting it wanted to change his gift to that. Sweety told her that we’d already taken care of the boys’ gifts here and that LB wouldn’t be getting that from us. She ended up giving one iPod to both boys as a joint Christmas gift. A little birdie told me that their younger stepsister got an iPad. LB came in yesterday and was asking all sorts of questions about the iPad – how much do they cost? Are they really any good? What did I think of them? To make him feel better I told him that I thought they were overpriced and I’d much rather have an iPod that I could carry around and did some iPad bashing. (LB doesn’t know that I know what his stepsister got.) Of course, if I found an iPad laying around – I’d be on it like white on rice.

He’s had a couple of moment where he lost his shit but really? Any guy that can go almost 9 years with me and only lose his shit just a couple of times has a boatload of patience.

Tomorrow is his birthday and I haven’t gotten him anything. He told me something that he wanted a couple of weeks ago and it was something that would need to be ordered online and I didn’t have any money until this weekend.

I’m going to stop and get a little something on my way home from work tomorrow and just try and be nice and pleasant for awhile.

He told her to ask the boys how much they wanted for them. He paid around $110 each for them 3 or 4 years ago and they’re pretty outdated. She called him back and said she was giving the boys $70 EACH for them. He laughed (a strangled laugh of disbelief. not an evil chuckle. he’s nicer than me.) and said we had planned of just putting them by the curb to let anyone pick up and she said she’d already told the boys she’d pay them.

Well, I say fuck that. I dropped those fucking monitors at least a dozen times on the garage floor last night when I saw that they were by the front door waiting for her to pick them up today. I hope she plugs those bitches in and they catch on fire.

And if they do work and the boys get paid? I am damn sure making them kick in on their Dad’s Christmas present this year.

I wouldn’t be so annoyed if she hadn’t called him last week with all kinds of stupid-assed questions. She wanted to know what all she’d need to hook up wireless internet service to a PlayStation3 if she got the boys one for Christmas. (she started the conversation with, “Hey, I got an unexpected check…” hey! maybe she could use some of that cash to buy some supplies for all of the motherfucking school projects I have to help with.) He actually told her that she needed to talk to her husband and hung up on her.

In this case, the “snipe” was a fictional, small, furry mammal. A bit smaller than a guinea pig. A good pet if you can find one!

Sylvie got very excited. I told her if she caught one that I’d buy her a cage for it. She spent the next 5 days talking about it. She told everyone that we met that she was going snipe hunting. And everyone said things like, “Oh, wow! I hear the snipes are running thick in Oklahoma this year!” She wondered aloud what she would name her pet snipe. She hoped that it would have purple fur but any color would do.

The day of the hunt, it occurred to me that she might not take the joke as well as we’d hoped. The original snipe hunt calls for leaving your victim in the dark to be scared shitless. I nixed that part from the hunt. I tried to talk Sweety into letting me buy a guinea pig, shaving it and tossing it in the road and telling her it was a snipe. He nixed that part of the hunt.

Before you watch the video, let me mention that my default emotion is manic laughter. I wasn’t really laughing like a hyena at a little heartbroken girl.

Sylvie’s such an odd cat that I really didn’t think she was going to freak out so badly. She’d spent a large part of her visit with us asking me uncomfortable questions. Questions always about Chi Chi…

I always knew it would be a Chi Chi question because of the sweet way that she’d drag out my name.

Aunt Annnna? Great Grandma’s in heaven and Chi Chi’s in dog heaven. Do you think Great Grandma is mad at you because you put Chi Chi in dog heaven or is she happy because they can visit sometimes and they aren’t in pain anymore?

Aunt Annnna? If you could go back in time….and relive the last two months of Chi Chi’s life? What would you do differently?

Well, I guess I’d have made sure she stayed away from the damned swimming pool.

That’s a good answer. I’d say that too.

I think it’s hilarious that he will let me post this but is worried that you will think he blew marshmallow out of his nose.