The boys are going to pick on and at each other for the next several years at the very least. All I can do is try and keep them from maiming each other. It’s like gravity. I give.

After listening to whines and short screams for about 30 minutes from the bathroom that I was cleaning…

Sit down guys. I’m going to talk to you and you are not going to say a word. You nod your heads for “yes” or “no” when I ask you a question. Do you understand?

Yes nods. Worried looks on their faces.

You must tone it down. I’m sick of hearing all the whining and fussing. Do you understand?

Yes nods and some picking at their fingernails.

I have listened to you two all morning long and you just won’t listen and leave each other alone. Have you guys ever hear the term “batshit crazy”?

No nods and they slide closer together on the couch.

Well, it’s a special kind of crazy. It’s the kind of crazy that moms and stepmoms get when they can’t take it anymore. When you’re batshit crazy, you might send your kids to their rooms on Saturday night and not let them come out til it’s time for school on Monday morning. And I don’t play. If I send you there - you’ll stay there.

Gasps from the crowd.

So don’t make me go all BC on you, okay?

I know it wasn’t the kindest way to phrase things but it really was the nicest thing that I could get out of my mouth at the time.

I think I need to go all batshit crazy on them once. Let them feel the Wrath of Anna and then they will know I’m not kidding. They are good kids but the picking on each other has reached an all time high. I can handle the verbal stuff but then it turns to touching/pinching/poking and then it’s only a matter of time before someone gets hurt.

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Did you hear that big sigh? That was me expressing relief that I’m off work for the week. I used my last four hours of vacation time today and picked the boys up from school. From the school to the house, the boys managed to bug the living shit out of each other in a pick-fest that peaked when BB shoved his seat backwards into LB and squashed LB’s foot. Tears ensued. I told them that we were getting out of the car when we got home and we were going to pretend that the entire drive never happened and we’re going to have a good weekend. I have a headache and feel too bitchy to parent properly. So we’ll just scrub that car ride. Sometimes you have to pick your battles.

We’re 30 minutes into our good weekend and so far, so good.

May your weekend go as well!

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Have you ever heard that phrase before? Space panties? A friend used to tell me that I was wearing my space (as in outer space) panties when I was in La-La Land. I was wearing them today.

The morning got off to a rocky start when BB brought me his progress report for last week and he had an F in Language Arts. I think he waited to give it to me instead of Sweety because he thought he would get in less trouble. I had to sign the report and while I was waiting for BB to bring me a pen, I made a copy of it. He was surprised to see me copying it so Sweety could go over it when he got home.

All day today, I felt weird. Like coming down with something weird. Light headed. Coughing. Blowing out electric green snot. Sweaty. And I smelled like garlic because I’ve been eating kimchi for the past 3 days and have ingested at least a whole head of garlic. Very attractive!

I pick the boys up from school and tamp down my space pantyness in order to go over BB’s homework (this is the FIRST time he’s ever brought homework home from his Language Arts class. I pretty much told him that I don’t care if he finishes it in class - BRING IT HOME FROM NOW ON!) and encounter a bit of resistance. I love the sullenness that comes over him when I’m correcting his homework. It’s an exciting transformation to see. One moment - a child full of life! The next - a kid who’s acting like you just set his dog on fire. It gave me a headache.

Tiny Dog and I took some asprin (well, I took asprin) and a little nap and now we are good as new!

Sheesh. Sweety and I just had a grown up conversation out of earshot of the boys and he thought I was sitting over here blogging about it. It was one of those conversations that wouldn’t paint him in the best sort of light. I’m offended that he thought I’d immediately hop online to air things that would make him look like a dumbass. I have a wee bit more respect for you than that, Sweety.

Our dogs are still gross though. You can mouseover for descriptions if the photos aren’t exciting enough. The dogs are so tired of me burning out their retinas with the camera flash. Maybe that’s why Tiny is always licking Stinky’s eyes! Maybe the camera flash has made them dry and she’s lubing them up for her. Tiny Dog is a sweetheart like that.

I bought a new camera on eBay last week and I can’t wait for it to get here! It’s my first camera that isn’t a point and shoot. I’ve been busy reading my “D40 For Dummies” book and should be all learned up by the time it gets here. I will be able to use my mad skills to take photos such as the above but they will be even greater! You can never have enough detail when you’re cataloging your dog sniffing a coochie.

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Sweety was kind enough to clean the hounds today. He even brushed their teeth with his finger! I keep lifting Stinky Dog’s jowls so I can smell the absence of odor. She was a good dog before the cleaning but she’s a really good dog now. Tiny Dog wasn’t too keen on the tooth brushing. I thought that she was going to have a heart attack from the anger.

My favorite part of dog washing day? Swaddling Tiny up like a baby. I walk out of the bedroom with her and and one of the boys will say, “A baby!” and then I announce, “It’s a girl! She’s a little hairy but we’re gonna love her anyway!” I do this every single time she’s washed. They’re good enough to play along with their crazy ass stepmom.

This was the first Halloween in a few years that I didn’t dress the dogs up. I had some good ideas but didn’t get around to implementing them. We didn’t have the boys at Halloween this year and I had to work so it seemed pointless. But next year…I’ll be ready next year.

I need to get rid of our double shot glasses. There really isn’t anything that I need to drink two shots at a time. Certainly not gin. We have this gigantic bottle of it and I’m ready to finish it so I can buy something else but it’s only half gone. It seems like its been half full forever. Maybe it’s magic. Yes, it must be magical because I had 6 of those glasses last night and didn’t feel too bad this morning once I started moving around.

Last night I dreamt that I bought a spiffy camera and was sad when I woke up and realized it was a dream. I opened my eyes and thought, “Hey! I’m gonna take some pictures!” and a moment later realized that it was a dream. I also did some emailing and phone calling last night. I also hid my bra from myself last night. It took me a damn hour to find it this morning. I woke up a little confused.

Our t.v. is on the fritz. Sweety replaced something in it (the color wheel) to try and make it better but it didn’t help. He thinks the wrong part was mailed to him. The people on the screen had an orange tint to them and it made a really loud humming noise. When he put the new part in - the people were blue but the humming noise was gone. He’s going to try and send the part back. I’d rather look at blue people than hear the t.v. hum.

It’s Science Project time, yet again. LB came up with an invention. Sweety helped him make it. It didn’t work. I told him that he will probably be the only kid to submit something that didn’t work so at least his teacher will know that his parents didn’t do the experiment.

10 Comments | In: canines, daily blah, sprogs | | #

I’m avoiding my Dad’s phone calls til the election is over. All he wants to do is give me grief and I don’t feel like I have to justify anything. Can’t we just talk about the weather?

Got off early today to watch BB’s baseball game tonight. I hope it doesn’t get rained out. The older the boys get, the more I like them. They are interesting creatures to hold conversations with.

Ever had someone that was going through just straight up shit and there was nothing you could do about it? Hate it.

Did I tell you that the Almighty Chi Chi 2.0 has been working miracles? Our heating/air conditioning unit died three times this summer and each time, after about 20 minutes of sending thought beams to Chi Chi (while she was being freeze dried), the unit came back on! We have had absolutely no issues with it since her body has been returned to us. Coincidence? I think not.

11 Comments | In: canines, randomness, sprogs | | #

I got home 3 hours ago and spritzed some air freshener around. Cranberry peppermint. The house reeks of it still. I don’t know if I overdid it or if it just stinks. I hope I just overdid it because I’ve got two damn bottles of the stuff to use up.

Why has Tiny Dog forsaken me for Sweety’s lap? Maybe all of the cranberry peppermint scent in the air has made her high. Or stupid. Go on, stay over there, you hairy little dumbass. See if you get any people food tomorrow!

Chi Chi 2.0’s freeze-dried ear was bent and I tried to straighten it out. It made a cracking sound so I stopped. I don’t want to accidentally break it and have to superglue it back on. Ick. I guess it’s supposed to be bent for all enternity.

BB had his first baseball game on the big boy field this weekend. His team got their ass beat but it was interesting to watch. I can’t believe how tall that kid is getting. He’s a good couple of inches taller than me and can wear some of Sweety’s shoes already. He’s going away on a school field trip later this month. On a plane. Away for 5 days. I am faah-reeea-king (you have to shriek it in a singsong voice to feel my anxiety) out about it. He’s never been anywhere without us. Well, he went to the fair once with the neighborgirls but that’s it. I hope that nobody snatches him up or that he doesn’t wander in front of a giant bus as he is busy looking around the city.

Have you ever been around someone that does really exaggerated facial expressions when they’re thinking? That shit drives me nuts. You know what I like? When I have to ask someone about something and that make those damn expressions and then act stupid. Yeah, I looooove that. And if you can throw in some baby talk with it? Man, it makes my day! That sort of thing really helps break up the work day. I’m about a cunt’s hair away from starting to drink on my lunch breaks. Applebees! Two for one!

21 Comments | In: cube farm, grouching, sprogs | | #

I’m pretty sure that Tiny Dog loves Sweety in a manner that is not pure. She goes bonkers when he comes home. Rubbing her coochie all over the floor and screaming at him. She must not realize that he is the force that keeps her from sleeping in the king-sized bed that she so deserves. Right now he is cradling her like a baby while he tweaks her toe hair. They do not know that I am watching. What the hell…he just rubbed her cooch and looked up at me and threw some sort of gangster sign. I guess he did know that I was watching. Weirdo.

BB had baseball practice tonight and his mother wasn’t going to take him because she is celebrating her one year anniversary to her meal-ticket. The boys are here tonight so BB would get to go to practice and she will pick them up in the morning. (I took him the other night and was blown away by how strong he is. He knocked the cover off of the damn ball.) We’ve been married 7 years and do you know how many times the boys have missed a practice or been inconvenienced because we wanted to go on a mother grabbing date? She has no idea the things that she’s missing with them.

Sweety asked me the other day if all of my blog was here. Everything going back to the beginning of 2005. When I told him yes, he asked what would I do if the boys found it. Well, I have sanitized a few posts. You won’t find any photos of me sucking Sweety’s weenie here or anything like that. I figure if they ever stumbled across it and came across any of the posts dealing with sex that their eyes would melt right out of their eyes and they’d go away. But hey, we all do it, right? I told him that I would stand behind anything I’ve said about the coaew. I think the fact that I vent here has kept me from tap dancing on her face for the past 85 months.

Have you ever worked with someone whose voice really made you want to scream? Maybe someone in a higher position than you? Sweet, tiny, freshly swaddled, has never made an ugly sound, baby Jesus…I’ve got one of those. And (to make matters worse) she has tiny teeth. Tiny, scary, perfect baby teeth and eyes that always look surprised. And a voice to match. I try to keep my dealings minimal to preserve my eyes and eardrums and just keep reminding myself that people in her position usually move on to bigger and better things as soon as they can.

Here’s a funny. Perhaps you haven’t heard it yet.

Toward the end of Sunday service, the Minister asked,
‘How many of you have forgiven your enemies?’
80% held up their hands.

 

The Minister then repeated his question.
All responded this time, except one small elderly lady.
‘Mrs. Neely?’ ‘Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?’
I don’t have any.’ She replied, smiling sweetly.

 

‘Mrs. Neely, that is very unusual. How old are you?’
‘Ninety-eight.’ she replied.
‘Oh, Mrs. Neely, would you please come down in front & tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years & not have an enemy in the world?’

 

The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, faced the congregation, and said:
‘I outlived the bitches.’

Ha! I love it!

14 Comments | In: canines, coaew, cube farm, husband, sprogs | | #

AmyD’s recent post about her newly minted ninja errand boy got me to thinking. BB is about a year and a half away from getting his learner’s permit. He is already counting the days. Teaching him to drive is going to be a totally different experience from when I learned to drive.

I grew up in a minuscule town in Oklahoma. If you are yawning when you are buzzing by on the highway, you will miss it. I learned to drive on the dirt road where I lived. It wasn’t unusual to go hours without seeing another car on the road. I moved on to driving in the town where my Grandma lived after I became an accomplished dirt road driver. I think there are 3 stoplights there and the maximum speed is 25 mph. I didn’t ever drive on a road with a turn lane on it til I had moved away from home. I’d gotten married and moved to Texas. The first two weeks or so, I avoided the turn lane and would take the long way home so I didn’t have to deal with it.

We are going to be teaching BB to drive in the big city! Surrounded by people that drive like bats out of hell. I shudder to think of how nerve-wracking it will be to sit in the passenger seat while he navigates through traffic.

I’m really not in Kansas Oklahoma anymore.

14 Comments | In: remembering, sprogs | | #

Got into a disagreement of gigantic proportions minor disagreement with Sweety on Thursday night when I told him I was taking the boys to see Obama today. (Okay, maybe we also argued because I can be a royal cunt and know how to say just the right thing to push his buttons too when he is pushing mine. It involved the coaew. The boys were at our house when they should have been at hers that night and I couldn’t hold my acidic tongue. Funny how one well-placed phrase and an eyeroll can turn a man into a loon.) He bowls today and I’m alone with the boys. Why should it matter what I do with them? Isn’t it nice that I keep them alive?

I walked around pissed off for two days. Not only were my John Prine plans shot to shit, I was being told that I couldn’t go somewhere because Sweety doesn’t agree with the politics.

You know what? All it takes for Sweety to become agreeable to something is to lay the coochie on him. As he lay there dazed and confused this morning, I told how badly I’d like to go and take the boys. He didn’t give his blessing but he didn’t say he was going to slash my tires so I couldn’t leave.

Drove over two hours to see Barack Obama speak in Jacksonville & took the little Republicans with me.

Got lost (I couldn’t find my way out of a wet paper bag)/tried to squeeze into traffic on the right road for a good 45 minutes.

Parked a mile away from the event and walked up with all of the other ants. Got to the gate right at an hour before showtime.

Did not get to see Obama. We could see the gate when they closed it and announced that the place was at capacity and nobody else was allowed in.

Did not decide to be one of thousands that stood outside the place and listened to the speech over a loudspeaker. LB and I needed to piss like you wouldn’t believe and there was nowhere to go.

Took the boys to Dave & Buster’s (since we were in the damn neighborhood). Played a game called “Roulette” where you rolled coins to win coupons that could be redeemed for trinkets. Basically, I fed the gambling bug that lives not-so-deeply within the boys.

Puked my guts out at D&B. It was the first time I’d ever been there and not drank alcohol. I wasn’t expecting pukeage. I think was bad chicken and disappointment over missing the speech. It was a really impressive projectile. Now I know why they have little trash cans by the toilets there.

LB told me that he was sorry (and he meant it) that I didn’t get to see Obama because he knew how much I wanted to. I had to bribe him with the promise of putt-putt golf to get him to put on a happy face and go today. On his “about me” poster at school he has “I want John McCain to be the next President!”

I suppose it was a good day. We had fun and are just goofing around the house now.

Sweety is still not home. He rode with a friend to go bowling and they are out enjoying adult company and beverages while I sit here with two stinky dogs. No more carpooling for him. He’s taking his own damn car next time so he can get his ass home when he’s done bowling.

15 Comments | In: daily blah, husband, sprogs | | #

John Prine is going to be playing just a couple of hours away this weekend and I am dying to go. But I will not be attending. *insert sob here* The boys are here this weekend and I’d feel bad leaving them at home to go. Sweety said it would be okay for us to go and for the boys to be home alone but the way he said it? It felt guilt loaded. Sweety doesn’t even want to go (Doesn’t he know that one of his songs is his ringtone on my phone? Doesn’t that touch his soul?) but he doesn’t want me to go alone. Bah. I took this as a sign to finally buy the albums that I wanted from iTunes. Surprisingly enough, I am able to listen to them and type at the same time!

11:17 p.m.
P.S. I have realized that the John Prine purchases were a much better investment than the new New Kids On The Block album.

2 Comments | In: grouching, husband, sprogs | | #

I’m pretty sure that I’m crazy as a bat. (phrase “crazy as a bat” shamelessly borrowed from Mike & Carmen) I think that the fact that I know that I am means that I’m not too far off though (nice. 4 “that’s” in one sentence.) At work last night, I freaked the fuck out. Have you ever been hit with a huge guilty/ashamed sort of feeling? I was sitting at my desk, making a list of things that I need for our trip and one of the things that I put on the list was “small empty bottles for lotion & soap”. And I got all excited about buying shiny, new, little bottles. And then I felt like a moron for being excited over something like that. That’s when the guilty/ashamed feeling assaulted me. I had to step away from my desk and calm down before I freaked out. What the hell? I think this vacation is coming just in time.

This morning my alarm went off at 7 a.m. and I looked at it and thought, “Hey, Sweety’s taking LittleBrother to school so I can sleep for another hour before taking BigBrother! Yay!” and reset my alarm for 8 a.m. At 7:27 LB is shaking me wanting to know if I was taking him to school. Oh, shit. He has to be there by 7:50 and got there in plenty of time but I feel horrible that we overslept. He needed to be there by 7:30 to help raise the flags and missed that deadline. When we got there, some kids had raised the American flag but hadn’t raised the state flag yet so he didn’t totally miss out on the flag raising ceremony. I’ve been toting them to school for almost 6 years now and this is the first time that I’ve overslept but I still feel bad about it.

The oversleeping was probably due to the fact that I was up much too late last night. Decided to give myself a manicure/pedicure at around midnight last night and couldn’t go to bed til my nails were dry. I fell asleep on the couch around 2 and when I woke up a bit after 3, I didn’t know where I was and about broke my leg when I got off the couch. It felt like my knee went backwards instead of forward and that caused me to bump off all the furniture in the living room like a junebug.

Oh, and then after I bumble my way into the bed at 3:30 a.m. I get this conversation from Sweety:

You don’t like me. You don’t cook for me. You didn’t kiss me goodnight. You don’t respect me. And that shit is going to change.

What. The. Fuck. Are you talking about? You have obviously lost your damn mind. *busily rifling around for something on my side of the bed to brain him with it*

(now he’s using a fake television commercial announcer’s voice, those voices that they use when they’re telling you the side effects of a drug. speaking really low and fast) Please take everything that is said with a grain of salt. Certain rules apply to the salt. It must be no bigger than a grain of sand and is nonrefundable.

So, even though he was asleep when we had this conversation, I think he means it. I’m going to try and be nicer to him. I think I have been a wee bit neglectful in regards to him. I think a few days of hotel sex should get him right back were he needs to be.

Oh, lemme tell you something dumb I did last night. I get out of the shower and take my lotion bottle outside so I can smooth up myself while I wait for the dogs to potty before bed. We don’t have any lights on out there and I can’t see anything. I’m also naked as the day is long so I feel a little vulnerable. I lean over to lotion my leg and all of a sudden I smell men’s cologne really strong. I think I must be imagining things so I lean back over and get another whiff of some sort of manly aftershave. I start to freak out because I know that Sweety is asleep so this must mean that I am fixing to be abducted out of the backyard by some guy who has doused himself in cologne. I’m still trying to be calm and I lean back over to get the lotion bottle while I gather my wits. That’s when I realize that the smell is radiating from my armpits. I was out of deodorant and used some of Sweety’s. Crisis averted.

I must go. I have 2 hours to bathe the canines, pack for the trip before we leave today and take a bath. Procrastination is my middle name.

7 Comments | In: conversation, husband, sprogs | | #