I took the opportunity to go back to my doctor’s office to get the fucking cough that’s been around since August tended to. He gave me something that will hopefully stop the coughing (He said it might take a few days to work. whatever. I’m not hopeful.) and I’m going to get a chest x-ray and scan of my sinus cavity. I told him that I didn’t think I’d ever poked a bean in there but maybe I had and it was festering and making me sick. I really hope they see something with all of this. Because if they don’t then I think I will cough forever.

And I stayed home today. *cough* *cough* I’m cleaning a little and realized that the vacuum is gone. Do you know how often I actively seek out the vacuum cleaner? Like once in a blue moon. I’m guessing that Sweety took it to work with him to clean up there.

Oh people, I almost wigged out on the boys yesterday. I got home an hour early. Sweety wasn’t home. (The boys had to walk home from school a couple of days this week because he couldn’t get off in time to pick them up.) BB is in the front yard playing basketball (um, how many times have I told them to stay inside the freaking house if they’re home alone?!) and LB is there with him, shoeless. (I have a big problem with them running around shoeless. This stems from the numerous times they’ve come home from the coaew’s house with cuts on their feet or other things that they’re bitching about that could have been prevented with foot coverings.)

I feel bad that they’ve been home alone and instead of cooking ask what they want. Taco Bell. We load up in the car and during the drive it comes up that they have not let the dogs out to potty since they’ve been home from school. I was immediately so pissed off that I wanted to kick them out of my car and let them walk the last few blocks home. So you played video games in my bedroom while Stinky & Tiny howled their heads off in the adjoining bathroom and Oliver pranced at your feet? Poor Stinky Dog completely messed her bed and it’s been disinfecting all night.

For crying out fucking loud. I had no idea that I needed to tell them to let the dogs out when they came home from school. They know that they should do that!

They are going to be here this weekend and I knew if I freaked the fuck out that it would make the whole weekend shit. So I’m sweeping it under the rug. This weekend I am getting a dry erase marker and writing the things that I want them to do every day after school on the icebox. They will probably get more chores than they would have yesterday morning because I’m still pissed about them ignoring the dogs.

Tonight I’m going to put on my glitter eyeshadow and ride with Sweety to the bowling alley where I will probably drink a lot and subject everyone to my music on the jukebox. I’m beyond ready!

The reason I’m able to wear my glitter eyeshadow? I’ve been thinking for two weeks that I lost my whole makeup box but noticed it when I was taking the above photo of Oliver. I’d just stashed it away for some odd reason.

There is just no way to excuse these things in my book. And my book isn’t very big. Don’t lie or steal or kick animals or trip children or be mean in general. It IS okay to make faces at the loud child sitting in front of you on an airplane though. My book also gives you leeway when it comes to a coaew too.

BB found a wallet at the school baseball field yesterday. There was no name inside but there was $10. He asked me when I got home what he should do with it. Well, duh. Turn it in at the front desk at school. He then asked me if he should return the money too. WTF? Uh, yeah.

It kind of gets to me that he would even ask me these questions.

He told me today that he did turn it in and I told him that that was the right thing to do. Wouldn’t he like it if someone found his wallet and turned it in? He then told me that he didn’t think there was another kid at the school that would have done it. I told him he just put points in his Karma Bank for future use.

Now, it is a fantasy of mine to find a sack stuffed full of cocaine dusted twenties but if it doesn’t look like it came from drug dealers that aren’t smart enough to hang onto their money then you should turn that shit in.

Oliver? The best dog ever? Who has only been with us for nine days? Has already learned to ring the bell that is hanging from the doorknob with his nose when he needs to go potty. Perhaps Stinky and Tiny will follow his lead. Highly unlikely. AND he will roll over on command and when you give a short whistle he’ll flop onto his back to show you his belly. He is made of awesome.

I nibbled off all of my nails today at work. It gave me something to do and by the time I was done almost 2 hours had passed. Maybe tomorrow I will pluck my eyebrows off to help pass the time.

Something I like? Getting a nice email from someone saying that they liked my photos and they did NOT include a photo of their penis or mention whacking off. Very civilized.

They are never going to love me like they do their parents and it’s making me tired to try and be a supermom when I’m not super or a mom. I’ve spent 8 years going out of my way to be at every game and chaperon every field trip that they needed me on.

I have discovered something more embarrassing than telling a man that you love him and he says nothing – saying it to your stepsons and they say nothing. I know they can squeak it out. I hear them tell their parents all of the time. I used to tell them that I loved them when I tucked them in at night and they never said it back so I quit saying it. A few weeks ago, I thought that was no reason to not tell them since I do. But since it’s just followed with awkward silence – I give up. I know the boys love me but it’s frustrating that I put forth as much effort in all around raising them as their mother or Sweety and I’m not the same.

Last Saturday, for the first time ever – I didn’t go to a baseball game when I would have been able to. I had company and I just really wasn’t relishing the idea of sitting at the game for 3 hours with the coaew a stone’s throw away. And the world didn’t end. The boys didn’t even wonder where I was.

This weekend’s game is going to be a dramafest. They play about an hour away and they have a wedding to be in on their stepfather’s side of the family that evening. After the game, Sweety has to meet the coaew somewhere with the boys. I know what the day will be like.

They’ll get beat in the baseball game. Sweety will be annoyed. The boys will be pissy. The coaew will be calling or texting constantly trying to find out where they are. I will be pissed off that we’re having to take them to meet her because she didn’t come to the game. It’s her time with them. Yes, she has a wedding that night but if they have time to go to the game then why the fuck can’t she take them?

So I told Sweety I didn’t want to go. I have absolutely no desire to even be around the aggravation that will ensue if the game runs into overtime or Sweety can’t meet her at the appointed time. Or if he shows up at the meeting place and she isn’t there yet.

He said that he’d like for me to go but understands why I don’t want to. And guess what? I’m not having any anxiety about this Saturday since I’m avoiding it. If I was going, I’d spend all week dreading it.

I also told Sweety that I probably won’t be going to their games if he isn’t there. I’m uncomfortable being around the coaew and even more so if Sweety isn’t around to talk to.

That flaming twatwad called him this weekend to ask what size pants did BB wear because she needed to buy him dress pants for the wedding. It wouldn’t have been so bad but BB was at her house. On the couch. Watching t.v. He didn’t want to miss the football game on t.v. to go shopping so she was calling for his pants size. WTF? How hard is it to either A) Tell him to get his ass up because he as to go or B) See what size pants are on his ass? Gah. Sweety let the call go to voicemail and didn’t bother calling back.

Maybe the next time she calls crying about money problems – he can tell her to talk to her husband about a mortgage bond. It’s nice that she’s never had a pot to piss in but always manages to hook up with someone who does.

Basically, I’ve decided if something extracurricular is going to stress me the hell out or make me want to cry then I’m not doing it.

Do you listen to books on tape or audiobooks? I have become addicted to Scott Sigler. I used to worship at The Altar Of Stephen King but no more. Seriously, click on over there and download one of the free audiobooks. Ancestor and The Rookie are my favorites so far. He’s doing a tour to pimp out The Rookie and I am so there. Sure, I preordered my book long ago and requested that he sign it but won’t it be so much cooler to have him sign it again in person? Or is it just stalkercrazy? Sweety says stalkercrazy with a dash of aren’t you a fucking nerd? I don’t give a rat’s left nut. I’m going and if nobody can go with me I’ll go alone and sit against the wall like a weirdo.

School started Monday and it looks like we’re doing things a little differently this year. Instead of the boys being here half the week and then at the coaew’s, they’re going to be here Monday through Friday. She will pick them up from school on Friday and take them to school Monday morning. So we won’t have them every other weekend. Sweety brought the idea up to her because if we kept the schedule as it is, LB would be getting up at 5:30 or so but doesn’t have to be at school til 8:30. He’d have to get up so early because BB’s school starts at 7:20 and their mom lives about 45 minutes away. Of course, the conversation he had with her wasn’t drama-free but at least she sees it’s better for the boys.

Anyhoo. It has been settled. Unless she changes her mind. But I don’t think she will.

* The title has nothing to do with any of this but that song has been in my head for a week now. I may have to sing it to you like the last one. Sweety has even been singing the ant song with me and LB chimes in when he hears me muttering it to myself. Insanity: It’s a family affair!

What? Why the fuck does she care? Has she even seen a fucking game this season? Did you tell her he didn’t need anything now – what he needed was a ride to all of the practices he missed while at her house because it was just too hard for her? (It’s nice that other shit is easy for her – like gym memberships and tanning. Flaming twatwad.)

No.

Well, since she’s gracing the world with her presence at tonight’s game….tell her I said “hi!” and give her a little kick to the coochie for me, okay?”

She puts on such a front that it makes me want to fucking vomit.

See this photo? That’s Sylvie pretending to touch the plane.

What were the words that came out of my mouth as I got ready to take the photo? “Don’t touch anything!”

Is anyone surprised that I’m sitting here, looking at Tiny Dog, wondering if the paper cupcake liner that Sylvie accidentally fed to her while taunting her will pass through her system okay? If you’re wondering, it takes less than a second for Tiny Dog’s needle-sharp teeth to snatch a cupcake wrapper out of a small hand and to gobble that thing down.

I just gave her a couple of french fries in the hopes that they will help push things along. It is also pouring down rain. I may make the niece take the dog out to potty when she cries to go out later.

His baseball team is doing well in their finals (is that what you call a baseball tournament? I dunno.) and if they win tonight’s game then he won’t be on vacation with us. He will stay w/his mom so he can go to the county-level championship game. I’m not happy about that. But his team has never gone this far and he’s been playing since he was able to hold a glove so I can see why he’s so excited about it.

I’m sorry that BB didn’t make the trip with us but not too sorry because LB and Sylvie are having such a large time together. I don’t think they’d be getting along so well if BB was here. We’ve played lots of games, went to some historic places and they’ve developed their own secret handshake. So far, the trip is a success!

I realized this morning that I live for summer vacation. All year long, I go to hell work and spend all day long looking at my calendar that has my vacation days marked off. I really don’t give a damn about much else that goes on in the year in the way of holidays.

And I also realized yesterday as we were in the car and the kids were being little goofs – that I really like my life. The 40 hours a week that I go to work kind of crush me but the rest of the time? Very good.

I told you all about LB shooting birds at his mother’s house. Well, today I brought it up.

He asked if he could play his Playstation game. (Call of Duty. It’s a soldier on a mission kind of game.) He’s been playing these kind of games forever and when I found out he was hunting – I almost got rid of them all because I feel like I contributed to him thinking it was okay to kill birds because I let him play games where he kills people. But Sweety wanted to keep the games. LB hadn’t asked to play them in forever so I figured he was done with them anyway.

I told him he couldn’t play the game and hoped he would forget about it. He didn’t. A couple of hours later he asked again if he could play it. I told him yes and followed him into our bedroom (where the game system is) and closed the door behind me.

Immediately he looked at me warily because that was odd behavior.

Look. I’m just going to ask you about this. I know you kill – hunt – birds at your mom’s house.

*he quit moving like a deer in a spotlight*

Do you do that a lot? Is it like a regular thing? Do you eat what you kill?

Yes, but not a lot.

Do you eat what you kill?

Yes.

Well, I found out about it a few weeks ago and it totally freaks me out that you think it’s okay to kill birds. I’m afraid that because I let you play these kind of games that that is why you think it’s okay to kill a bird.

Oh, no! It’s not that! (now that I think about it, the fact that his mother’s new husband is a big hunter with guns and taxidermied animals all over the place and he has the boys set up salt licks for deers – those things probably have a lot to do with it.)

And here is where my talk just veered off into gibberish and bribery…

So-what-can-i-do-so-you-won’t-want-to-kill-birds? (that was one breathless rush of words that ended in a squeak.)

At this point, I can tell that he is trying to just keep me calm. Like, this crazy bitch has just locked me in this room with her and is on the edge.

Nothing – you don’t need to do anything. I just won’t do it, okay? (this was said in a very calm, even voice. the kind of voice you’d use when trying to keep someone from jumping off of a building.)

I’m not telling you to not do it. (because god help me if he tells his mother that I told him to not hunt) I’m just saying I don’t think it’s nice. I mean, the bird…he leaves to find food for his family and then “boom!”. You blow his little body out of the sky. (here I pantomimed a little feathery bird. quite a feat.) He never comes home. His wife and kids worry and are sad, you know?

Yes, I know.

Okay. Play your game.

I’m killing time before starting the baseball game run today. LB has one at 2 and BB at 4. BB and I will leave LB’s game early in order to get to his on time. Hours in the sun…getting my vitamin D.

BB is going to be a freshman next year and had applied to get into this career oriented program and they only accept so many kids. He got in! Yay! He’s decided that he wants to be a firefighter and this course is geared towards getting your EMT certification which is something you need to be a firefighter. I’m glad that he’s decided to not pin his whole future on being drafted into the NFL and living happily ever after.

The acceptance letter came in the mail on Thursday and Sweety took it with him to LB’s baseball game that night to give to BB. coaew saw it and was all, “what is this?”. WTF? She was invited to go with BB & Sweety when he checked out the program and didn’t go with them and this is alllllll that BB has talked about for the past few weeks while he waited to find out if he got in. I think she is clueless as to what the boys are interested in.

BB brought a form to me on Wednesday night and it was a permission slip to go to one of the theme parks as an eighth grade graduation celebration. It’s at night and is only open to middle schoolers and your school has to be registered to attend. He said the form had to be turned in with the money for it the next day. I asked him when he got it and he said a couple of weeks ago but he couldn’t decide if he wanted to go or not. He asked me what I thought about him going.

I told him I’d rather he didn’t go because I’d like him to stay safely at home til he was at least 30 but that I thought he should go because he’d probably have a lot of fun. So Sweety wrote the check and BB turned it in on Thursday.

Thursday night at the baseball game, coaew told Sweety that she needed to be consulted before BB did something like that. It worried her that it was at night and he could do something to get in trouble. WTF? Is this the same fried cunt that would leave BB at home at 11.5 years old to babysit his 3 siblings aged from around 1.5 to 9 while she hit ladies night at the bar that was an hour away? Fuck you, fried cunt. F. U. C. K. Y. O.U. I am not a forgiver or a forgeter. (yeah, forgeter. that’s my own damn word!) She doesn’t realize that BB is less than 4 years away from being pushed out of the nest to do his own thing. Might be a good idea to build a bit of independence before then.

I told BB if he was smart that he’d save money and buy a fast pass for himself and one extra to give to the hottest girl he saw waiting in line so she could skip it with him. I am full of great parenting nuggets.

LB hunts at his mother’s house. Birds. With a bb gun. Sweety said something to the coaew about it and she said that LB enjoys it. She says he eats what he kills. I say he can’t be so fucking hungry that he needs to shoot tiny birds out of trees. I saw a photo of him online, smiling from ear to ear, gun across his body and a bird the size of a tiny rat with feathers in his hand. She said he ate it. I don’t believe her and I don’t care if he did eat it. I think it’s one thing to hunt for food. He’s not hunting “for food”. He’s killing birds. I threw up when I saw the photo.

He told me a few weeks ago that he built 3 bird feeders for the trees in the yard over there. I wonder if they’re like salt licks for deers? Get them in the habit of coming by for some grub so you can blow them out of the sky?

It makes me sad.

I’m just totally freaked out by the whole thing. I can’t even look at him right now. I want to ask him if the bird was tasty. I have told Sweety that I’ll never hear another word out of LB’s mouth at dinnertime if he doesn’t want to eat something. If you can pick a bb out of a feathered rat’s ass and eat it then you can damn well eat anything I cook.

My sweet Mom happened to call today when I was in the middle of freaking out over the bird killing thing. Somehow, the conversation turned to religion. I’ve come out of the closet with my Mom. She’s knows I’m an atheist now. I told her I have morals because they are the right thing to have. Not because I want to go to heaven. She said that she would still pray for me and I told her that was fine.

In other news, here’s where baby chihuahuas REALLY come from.