I’ve been a hot mess since Sunday. I worked that day and as the day went on, realized that I had a pinched nerve in my shoulder that was causing my arm to hurt like hell. I also realized that what I’d been calling “heartburn” (a metric ton of burping) was, in fact, NOT heartburn. REAL heartburn actually feels like your heart is on fire. Yay for new discoveries. Between the heartburn, constant burping (with about every 3rd burp triggering my gag reflex so I yakked like a cat trying to hoark up a hairball), the backache, the arm hurt and wanting to vomit constantly? I was a total vision of loveliness when I got home that night. Also, everyone buy stock in Maalox because that has become my new treat. I’ve convinced myself that the fruit chewables taste like my favorite candy, Smarties.

Got no sleep Sunday night because I’d wake up needing to puke every hour and 45 minutes when the stuff I’d rubbed on my back wore off and ended up not going to work on Monday. I hid in the bed with a heating pad until everything started to feel a little better.

Now I’m living in fear that the pinched nerve will come back and fuck my day up.

The coaew sent Sweety some really awesome texts Sunday night! I’m glad that I was too occupied with myself to give them too much inspection. As it was, I read her drivel and laughed like a hyena and told Sweety to delete that shit because I knew I didn’t need to read it later when I had the energy to get good and mad. The boys had told us that they wanted to play baseball this summer. This would entail them being here a lot more than at her house and they were okay with that. (for the record, Sweety had a conversation with the coaew about summer baseball and she said if they wanted to play and be over here more that it was okay) We didn’t push them to play, just let them know they could if they wanted to. I guess LB said something to his mother about how it was too hot and he didn’t want to play (this was after he told Sweety that he wanted to try out). The fried cunt calls Sweety at work and is rambling on and when he tries to explain to her the conversation he had with the boys she tells him to not take it out on her if he’s having a bad day. So he hung up on her because it appeared that the conversation had run its course. That’s when the text messages started blowing up his phone.

The point she was trying to make (or I think anyway. it seems that her phone doesn’t have a spellcheck and she isn’t familiar with many basic grammar rules) was that just because the boys only saw her on weekends didn’t mean that they didn’t share information with her and that Sweety needs to not push them.

And she hopes when the boys are grown that they will see all she sacrificed for them. That bitch hasn’t sacrificed shit. I’m sorry that she married the first sucker that would have her and had to move an hour away from where they go to school and it’s not feasible for her to pick them up and bring them to school every day. (when it was suggested to her that the boys stay here during the school week – she sure didn’t have any alternate suggestion) She doesn’t sacrifice any time for them because if something they are doing interferes with her other life then they get shuttled to the side. She damn sure doesn’t sacrifice any money. She bitches that it would cost $5 for her to watch them play in a game but that dingbat has never paid for anything they do. The boys can thank me and my insurance for their straight teeth, thank you very much.

Dudes. Seriously. When the boys DON’T play sports? It’s a whole fucking lot easier around here. Does she think we LIKE running all over central Florida in the heat? Burning up gas and weekends to see them sometimes only play a tiny bit of a game? Honestly, I’d rather poke my bad eye out than deal with baseball season. Not to mention the money that’s involved with paying for them to play along with the equipment! We do it because they ask to play. There have been seasons where they didn’t play because they didn’t want to. BB is at an age where I think he really likes doing extracurricular activities because it gives him the chance to hang out with his friends. And LB is going into high school next year so if he makes this summer team – he will know some people besides his brother when school starts.

Anyhoo. Both boys said last night that they were trying out today. I expect if LB makes the team that the coaew will bitch to Sweety about making her kid play in the heat. Whatever. Oh! And the last text she sent after ranting? Was about how excited LB was that Sweety was going to mount his first deer.

I swear, if a fucking deer head shows up in the garage that I will eat its nose so it’s not pretty anymore and then wipe my ass all over it.

10 Comments | In: coaew, randomness, sprogs | | #

The people on Extreme Couponing get on my nerves. What is the point in hoarding more toothpaste than you can use in a lifetime?

Oliver is a teetotaler. To the point that he will run if Sweety walks towards him with an empty beer bottle at his level.

Tiny Dog will bite your hand off to sniff that same bottle.

I’m so broken out that Sweety said that touching me was like reading braille.

If I would have known that Sweety would get a window unit air conditioner for our bedroom because he wants his “baby mama” (as he so lovingly calls me) to sleep comfortably? We’d have a third-grader already. I love sleeping in a cooler!

When Oliver passes gas now, while I’m gagging I say thanks for the fact that his guts are working and he’s not bloated. I never thought I’d be glad to smell something so bad that it makes me gag.

BB’s first date went well. There was an issue where he didn’t contact us when we told him to but Sweety had a “come to Jesus” meeting and that shouldn’t happen in the future. And if it does, I’m going to smash his cell phone into eleventy billion pieces and he will never leave the house again.

LB went to his first school dance Friday night. We didn’t realize he was planning on going until Thursday. He’d refused to go to any of the other dances during the school year and we were very surprised to learn that he purchased a ticket to go to this one. He said he wanted to so since it was the last dance of the year. It was only for 8th graders. He wore his nice clothes (slacks, long-sleeved shirt & tie) and didn’t call us to come get him until it was all over. When he got in the car, he had a string of Mardi Gras type beads around his neck. It took everything in me to not ask him if he showed his tits for them. He was pretty embarrassed that Sweety was asking him about dancing with girls. I didn’t want to make it worse.

14 Comments | In: canines, randomness, sprogs | | #

BB is going on his first date Friday.

I’ve spent the last few years quietly worried that he was never going to have friends or date because he never left the house to hang out with friends but that worry has ceased to exist in the past few months. The kid is burning up the cell phone texting and there’s always a baseball or football game to go to.

Tomorrow he’s spending the night with one of his friends and they’re having a group date at the movies. Last night, Sweety called me into a conversation he was having with BB because he said they needed my opinion. He was asking BB if he asked the girl to the movies or did she just happen to be going with the group. BB was getting all red and flustered and Sweety told him that we needed to know because that would make a difference in the date protocol. BB finally said that he asked her to go so we told him that he needed to make sure that he bought her tickets and paid for the date. Since he asked her. And then Sweety paid BB back the $40 that he had borrowed from him earlier in the week. Heh.

Sweety just announced that he is going to taxidermy the first deer that LB murders. I told Sweety that he would have to do it in another house. I know LB hunts but I cram that thought in the Box Of Most Unpleasantness in my mind. I damn sure can’t ignore it if there’s a carcass in the garage. Ain’t happening here. Nope. After he announced this, Sweety had to go to work and as soon as he walked out the door, LB started telling me that this was not his idea. I told him to just quit talking because I was going to forget the conversation. He felt compelled to tell me how this all came about so I had to let him talk it out and NOW I’m working on forgetting the conversation.

LB had his Eighth grade awards ceremony (the last one before high school! where did the time go?) on Monday. It’s kind of a big deal because you only get invited if you win an award. He got all dressed up and looked very nice. Maybe I cried a little bit.

The coaew was a no show. Why? :::drumroll please::: She said that all of the gas was siphoned from her car the night before. I’m sorry but I say “bullshit”. If I had a nickel for every weird thing that’s happened to her various vehicles that kept her from attending something to do with the boys? I could buy a new car. I remember one summer when the front axle on her truck broke 3 times. Always at times when the boys weren’t with her but when she should have driven out to watch them do something. Meh. Whatever. I take solace in the fact that at this rate, I might not see that bint until BB graduates from high school (if then!).

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Today I used some time off of work and visited a friend I hadn’t seen in awhile. I felt a teensy bit of guilt that I was taking time off and not doing something with Sweety or staying at home to help LB with his sonofabitching social studies project but it didn’t take much to tamp that guilt down.

We met at The Cheesecake Factory. I was super pleased with myself because I left the house early enough to get there only to realize that I’d driven to the wrong mall. Luckily, I wasn’t too far from my intended target. We ate and talked there for a good four hours and it was great!

Then we watched Black Swan. It is a beautifully done movie. And a complete mindfuck. I’m fairly certain that I’m going to have some seriously whacked out dreams courtesy of it tonight. I can’t wait for it to come out on dvd so I can watch Sweety watch it. Or maybe I’ll go with him to see it in the theater. It was interesting enough that I could watch it again.

On my way home, right about the time that I was getting ready to call Sweety – he sent me a sweet little text. I was so relieved. I was afraid that he was going to give me shit about doing something away from home and he did not. That was nice. I’m going to remind myself of his niceness when I’m wanting to pull out my hair Wednesday night.

What is Wednesday night? That is the night before Thursday morning. Thursday morning is when LB’s social studies project is due. I don’t mind helping someone who is trying on their own too but LB isn’t trying to do a damned thing except bitch about having to read a book for the project (He doesn’t even have to read the whole book! Just 60 pages! He had it at his mother’s house the whole weekend and didn’t read it! I’m SO GLAD that he put off reading it until two days before he’s to finish his project! REALLY GLAD! Gah.) and exude general whiny grouchiness. I’m pretty sure that he’s doing the project incorrectly and he got all pissy when I tried to gently point that out to him so I’m trying to not have a complete attitude of “to hell with it” because I’d like to preserve my relationship with his father.

I think LB is just at that age. That teenage-shitty-attitude-age. We pretty much missed it (so far!) with BB but I think LB is going to make up for the easygoing nature of his brother. While watching a football game tonight I asked a question about something that had happened in the game and he replied with, “Duh!” in an overly loud and sarcastic tone. I don’t think that Sweety heard him because he was busy yelling at the television and it took everything in me to not throw a plate at tell him to go to his room and work on his damned project.

Wednesday night – I will remember the extremely lovely Monday that I got to have and that will keep me from losing it on everyone. I hope.

16 Comments | In: sprogs, woot! | | #