What a week.

Bekah got here on Wednesday and left yesterday morning. We crammed a lot of shit into 3 days. And a lot of rum too. God. The rum. Wednesday we took it easy and floated in the pool. Instead of going all the way inside when we needed to pee – we picked a corner of the yard. Like hamsters. Drunk, giggly hamsters.

All day Thursday was spent at Sea World. We rode the newest roller coaster, Manta. You are dangling face-down. It was the most intense coaster I’ve ever been on. I honestly thought my heart was going to explode. There was so much screaming involved that it hurt to talk for awhile after we got off of it. Then we came home and put on glittery mouse ears.

We’re sitting on the couch in our mouse-eared glory when Sweety walks in and pauses the t.v.

“Hey, you two. I just wanted to let you know when I went out this morning to adjust the pool settings that I ran into a wall of urine. Like the smell smacked me in the face. What the hell do you guys eat?”

I didn’t occur to me that we’d be excreting alligator piss after hours of drinking rum and Coke. But it makes sense now that I think about it. It wasn’t like it was healthy urine. That was bad stuff that needed OUT.

Here’s a video that Bekah did with her phone (so the quality is sucky. but you can get the gist.) while Sweety and I were talking on the couch. (note my mouse ears!) She said she did it to show her husband what we were like. So he could experience the crazy.

Sweety was kind enough to hang out with us on Friday. He wasn’t feeling too good but I didn’t want to leave him at home. Pulled him out of the house to go eat with us and then we went to Downtown Disn3y. Bekah and I had never been there before so it was pretty neat to walk around and people watch and drink. I spent the whole night drinking Rum Runners with Bacardi 151 floating on top. To say that I felt bad on Saturday morning would be an understatement. I think I broke something in my head with all of the puking.

Today is Sweety’s birthday! I wanted to have a party or a tiny gathering for him (since it’s a big birthday) and he said he would kill me if I did. I believe him. So we’ve had a quiet day at home with just us. It’s been nice.

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Here are some things that surely you will appreciate knowing about me.

When I pick up an unplugged toaster – I always worry that there might be some leftover electricity in there that’s just waiting to shock me.

If someone happens to leave just a few swallows of milk in the jug, I will throw it away even if it’s not near the expiration date. I think milk sours quicker if there’s just a little bit of it.

I used to worry that if I went to sleep with the blanket over my head that I’d get SIDS and die. I don’t worry about that anymore. But I still leave an air hole…just in case.

I have conditioned myself so that I cannot sleep unless I have earplugs in. Even if I’m somewhere quiet. It’s something about the feeling of them in my ears that I need.

Poking people I don’t like with a thumbtack is a favorite fantasy of mine. Not a flat thumbtack. One of those that you can hold easily. So it can be yanked out and used to poke again and again.

You can find other weird things about me here & here.

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BidMyCleaning.com is having a contest to win free maid service for a year! You can see all of the rules here. If you enter and win, please don’t tell me. I’ll say, “oh, I’m so happy for you!” but inside I will not really be happy for you. I’ll be mad that I didn’t win. There. Now you know how petty I am.

For an extra entry, here is a video of my messy house. You can do me a favor and not even watch it. I just got out of bed and took the boys to school when I did it. And I sound weird because my head is stuffed up and I didn’t want to suck snot or blow my nose on video. Wednesday morning is usually the messiest the house is because it’s probably been since the previous Wednesday that any real cleaning was done.

Don’t judge me.

Direct link to the video is here.

I’ve checked out their website and I’m scheduling someone to come in and clean at least once to get things in order and then to get the carpets cleaned. I have a carpet cleaner but it only works about half the time!

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Mom & Stepdad left this morning. Their plane took off at 6:30 so we had to get up a bit before four to get there in time. The early hour helped keep the “goodbye” from being too sad. We were all too tired to be sad. We spent all day at Sea World yesterday and had a ball. It was neat seeing how excited Mom got when she saw things.

Stepdad left us with a gift. A cold. Or something else that’s horrible and lives in your head. I have excreted at least a gallon of mucas in te past 24 hours. Trying to not breathe too deeply because that starts a coughing fit. Hopefully, this shit will go the way of the dinosaurs soon.

Has anyone out there ever had a motherfucking boil? (and if so, how, for the love of Pete – how do you get rid of it? I’ve tried slathering it in baking soda paste and soaking in hot water to no avail.) First time in ever dealing with one. It has its own zip code. If it were in an area that was more easily accessible, I would burn it off with a cooking torch. Hopefully, this shit will go the way of the dinosaurs soon.

Tiny Dog certainly misses having my Mom around. I looked over at Mom while she was at the kitchen table the other night and she had Tiny in her lap. She was tearing turkey into tiny bits and hand-feeding it to Tiny Dog. I swear, the dog stuck her tongue out at me when I made her put her back on the floor. Tiny’s gained at least 2 pounds in the past week.

Oh! Speaking of poundage! I’ve hit my goal!

I knew if I kept hitting the Burger King often enough that I would!

I weighed myself this morning and saw that I broke the big 2-0-0. Woo hoo! Mission accomplished. I’m thinking I can eat my way on into gastric bypass surgery. (end sarcasm here)

At some point last year, Sweety said he was going to start cooking for me so I would eat healthier and try to cheerlead me along. For the record, I wanted no part of that. He didn’t get around to cooking for me but did make some headway in the cheerleading department. It was always nice to see him give me a glare whenever I was eating something that was bad for me or was eating too late in the day. There’s nothing funner than secluding yourself somewhere in the house to eat that’s away from prying eyes. (That was sarcastic too, okay?)

We’re leaving the movies the other day (After I’d eaten popcorn. Holy shit. Don’t go to the movie and eat popcorn! It is evil!)

You’re going to do things differently in the new year! We’re going to do things differently in the new year!

*crickets chirping*

I am going to cook for you! Chicken! You will take it to work and eat that instead of junk food!

Okay. If you pack it. I will eat it.

No more junk! And exercise! You will hate me in the beginning but you will thank me a few months from now!

*yeah, so will my new husband* thought to myself

I know what you’re thinking – “sure, and my new man will thank you when I leave your ass!”, right?

Whoa. You really do know me.

Instead of crash dieting like I’ve done in the past, I’m going to go slow this time. If I could just knock off 10 pounds a month, by this summer, I’d be cute again. And not winded all of the time with creaking knees.

I guess I’ll go wash off this freaking baking soda and check on my baby boil.

14 Comments | In: canines, conversation, husband, tmi | | #