I cooked dinner the first Thanksgiving after Sweety and I were married. The turkey took forever because I left the giblet or gut bag in and the green bean casserole was like eating shoelaces. Since then, either Boston Market or Honeybaked Ham does our dinner.

A couple of weeks ago, Sweety said something about me needing to be a proper wife and cook the dinner. I got to thinking about it and decided that he was right. I told everyone yesterday that I would personally cook the entire dinner and Sweety and the boys started to panic. It took approximately 45 seconds for them to mobilize and do something to save themselves.

I’m not cooking Thanksgiving dinner by a vote of 3 to 1.

I believe I’ve mentioned that everybody in the house with a penis in this house was rooting for McCain. Stinky, Tiny, and I were pulling for Obama. You can only imagine the air in the house last night. BB was beside himself when he went to bed because the election results hadn’t been announced yet but things weren’t looking good for his man.

When he got up this morning, Sweety told him that McCain won just to see his little face light up and then told him he was just kidding. I’ve promised Sweety that I’ll continue to work for the next 4 years so when wealth is being redistributed that we’ll still be able to eat. But I swear, if Sweety calls me “Barack” one more time, I may lose it and pop him in the nose. Or scratch Tiny Dog’s butt with my finger and then stick it in his mouth while he’s asleep.

In other news…

A toaster oven.

One lonely sock.

A three legged gerbil.

And a partridge in a pear tree.

All of these things have fallen out of my coochie in the last 10 days. I was off the pill for about a month and having my first “natural” cycle in 17 years. This shit is for the birds. I’ve heard that some chicks deal with this every month. Fuck that noise. I’m going crazy. It has been over a month since I’ve gotten laid. I’m ready to pull someone’s leg off and beat them to death with it. My birth control pills arrived via Pony Express last week and I’ve been eating them so maybe this will all end soon.

13 Comments | In: daily blah, uncategorized | | #

alternate title: Now you know how strange I really am.

I spent a some time at my friend Elaine‘s house when I was on vacation a few weeks ago. Her Mama has recently went to stay in an assisted living place and her house is next door to Elaine’s. She knows how fond I am of snooping and offered up Mama’s house for my snooping pleasure.

I’d planned on going over there and spending a few hours leisurely poking through drawers but time got away from me and it got to be my last day there. I usually go to the place that I used to work at in Texas to say hi to some people and it was either go say hi or snoop.

Snooping won.

Elaine actually went to work and told everyone that I blew them off to snoop through Mama’s house. I wish she hadn’t done that. Now everyone really knows what a whackjob I am.

You can learn lots of things by snooping.

Mama’s cupboard is very neat and orderly. Not surprising because she is one very put together lady. Whenever I see her she’s always cute. Even if she’s just in the yard or something.

It appears that she has a fondness for shampoo samples, soap samples & germX. It is good to be clean.

I was also able to see where Elaine gets her love of Clinque products. See that little white thing in the bottom of the photo? That’s a little brush that folds out. Elaine had one and gave it to me last year after I organized her towel closet.

When I first got to her house, E was showing me around and pointing out places that I might want to snoop in. She told me if there was anything that I wanted to let her know. She was a few steps ahead of me in the hallway and I pointed at something hanging on the wall and said that I liked it just as she said “anything except Grandma’s fan. Of course, I was pointing at Grandma’s fan. That is something that she has to keep with her but she said I can have it when she dies. Elaine is 25 years older than me and has said that when I’m her age that she probably won’t be around. I prefer to think that she’ll live to be at least 100.

Poking through a clothing drawer, I found these things. My first thought was that they were urinal cakes. But why would a little old lady keep urinal cakes? Were they some sort of souviner? When I got brave enough to touch one I realized it was fancy soap. Not a urinal cake.

This was something I thought was really neat. They are brooches that belonged to E’s Grandma and they are just stuck into that thing. Like a decorative pincushion. Very pretty.

Mama also had tons of jewelry. There was a brown drawer full of it and also a red drawer. I’d never seen so much dress-up stuff before.

She had a plate collection on one wall with some really neat plates. The oriental one was my favorite. For some reason, these figurines and jar really caught my eye. As I looked at the figures, I made up a short story about what they were doing. (He was asking her to dance and she didn’t want to. She was getting ready to hide in the white jar.)

This is E’s senior portrait. She doesn’t want it because she says “why would I want to hang up a photo of myself” and I told her I’d take it and put it up because I love it.

I didn’t get to have a relaxing snoop because time was short. It was maybe a good 20 minutes and I giggled like a lunatic the whole time. She had some cedar chests that I would have liked to have gotten into and I didn’t even peek into the boxes in the closet. Maybe next year.

9 Comments | In: uncategorized | | #

Aunt Anna? I already have all of my careers planned out.

Plan A. Be an Olympic gold medal swimmer.

Plan B. Be a treasure hunter.

Plan C. Open a little Korean restaurant.

It’s good to know that she’s thinking ahead.

9 Comments | In: uncategorized | | #

A little piece of me just died. Sweety insisted that we watch some of P. Diddy’s video blogs. Don’t ask me how in the fuck that happened. Now he is walking around the house saying to me, “That’s Uncle Sean to you, bitch.” He’ll be lucky if I don’t pluck his tongue out.

I’m trying to teach Tiny Dog to ring a bell whenever she needs to take a shit. So far, so not good. I ring the bell like a loon whenever I want her to go outside and say “outside!” in a chipper tone and she looks at me like I’m crazy. Surely she will catch on soon and make things easier by signaling her desire to piss outside instead of sneakily on a rug.

She knows I’m talking about her. I’m getting the evil eye.

Speaking of evil…

 

Do you think she looks creepy in this picture?

My sister said it looks like she’s smiling evilly and she thinks if Tiny could move her toes that she’d give Sweety the finger in this photo.

Football is on the t.v. right now. Woo hoo.

Oh good. The team he wanted to win did.

Hi, Stinky Dog with the bloody ass! How are you? Oh, your hindquarters are sore where you chewed them today for the first time in forever? I’m sorry that you’re an allergy ridden mess. Surely your new meds will go to work soon.

Niiice. I launched her onto the couch and she positioned herself so her medicated, bloody ass is touching me. Gack. At least she isn’t nibbling anymore. I think we nipped it in the bud.

I finally get brave and install an instant messenger service on my computer and my instant messagee isn’t online. Drat.

Sweety decided to do some reorganizing today. He took this little cabinet thing that had been in the garage and moved it onto the back porch. I was watching him through the door when he opened the cabinet and a swarm of fucking palmetto bugs came out and rushed him. As he fell back, I screamed and hid in the bathroom. He won. For a while, it looked like the Trail of Tears on the back porch but it was giant dying bugs. All of the rain we’ve had the past week or so really drove them in. I’m glad they used the garage cabinet as an apartment instead of moseying on inside.

Hey! I just remembered! Sweety has a long sheet of big-bubble bubbled wrap in the garage and it is positioned under his tire. He is going to run the car over it for me later.

No work for me for the next two days! Wootie woot!

It is now 11:38 p.m. and when I said earlier that Sweety’s football team won? I was wrong. That must have been the end of the first quarter or something. The game is now over and they really did win. I’m not too up on football.

10 Comments | In: uncategorized | | #