I’m innocently playing on the computer when I realize the niece is curled up into the fetal position on the floor beside me while whisper screaming “don’t hurt me!” as she rolls around with her hand over her ears.

What are you doing?

It’s called The Armadillo. I’m practicing.

Practicing for what?

If someone starts to attack you, you drop to the ground and do this.

*insert niece repeating The Armadillo*

Oh, no. If someone really attacks you – you need to punch them in the head or something. Don’t roll around while they kick you.

Aunt Anna, I can’t do that. It hurts my heart when I hurt someone else. Even if they’re being mean.

Tell you what, kid. If you’re ever attacked…fight back…escape…let your heart hurt and I’ll pay for your therapy to fix it later.

*insert niece flopping back on the floor to practice The Armadillo*

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I’ll read/reply to previous post comments later when I’m at a computer that’s not in the boonies. My Mom’s internet connections won’t open the comments page to even read them.

7 Comments | In: conversation, vacation | | #

We are at my Mom’s house in the Middle Of Nowhere, Oklahoma. We stayed our first few nights in a cabin at a park nearby and the rest of the time we’ll be here. It’s nice not having to be anywhere.

My Mom has chickens. Chickens that will eat anything, including meat. That is just creepy. When we go outside, I’m always watching to see if the chickens are loose and do I need to run. I warned Mom that she better watch out – she may go out there to sprinkle corn on the ground and they might rush her just to knock her to the ground and eat her alive.

After Sweety and the boys go home next Monday, my niece is going to stay with me an extra week while I run around Texas visiting friends. Yay! I’ll take her home on Friday and I’ll get to see her compete in a swim meet on Saturday. I haven’t seen her swim yet and I’m excited to see that.

And my nieces and nephews will finally all get to meet! Normally, I see Sylvie for a week and then visit my niece and nephew in TX the next week after I’ve dropped her off. They’ve always been curious about each other so that will be cool too.

Well, hell. Sweety is giving me grief about falling off my diet and eating Mexican food today and I told him earlier that I’d go for a fucking walk. It’s hot out there, people. I don’t want to go. But if I don’t, he’s going to walk around chanting “loser”. Better go find my sneakers.

4 Comments | In: vacation | | #

Right now I’m laid up in my niece’s bed while she and the boys play video games. This is awesome.

We left the house around 4 p.m. on Tuesday and got to Mobile, Alabama at around 11 p.m. It turned out the Howard Johnson in Mobile, AL was NOT what I’d expected. It is now called the Emerald Palms and was a rattrap. I didn’t see any rats there but they may have been cleverly concealed in the filthy carpet.

After I checked in, a couple followed me out the lobby to my car and the guy was saying something. My instinct was to tell him to get away from me but I was afraid he’d follow us to our room and kill us. Or something. So I deciphered his mumblings and told him that I would rather not take the cash he wanted to give me and go buy him a cigar. I have no idea why he was looking for someone to complete this task because he was clearly old enough to buy tobacco.

As we were getting our stuff out of the car, LB was being an ass dawdling because it was pissing off BB. BB said something to him about hurrying up and he visibly slowed while getting his things. I told him it would be nice if he’d hurry up before BB and I were stabbed to death in front of him by Cigar Man and he got the hell out of the car before I took another breath.

This was the first hotel that I’ve ever stayed in that I felt the need to move large furniture against the hotel door. If I hadn’t been so tired, had a lick of sense and it hadn’t been so late – I’d have taken the boys elsewhere for the few hours sleep we were going to get. And of course, the free full breakfast was not so. It was a couple of plastic bins of cereal that was being guarded by a surly hotel worker as she wiped down the counter. We went to Burger King for breakfast instead.

The boys and I decided that we’re going to hit New Orleans next year as our halfway point on our way to Oklahoma and we will be sure to stay somewhere pleasant.

15 Comments | In: Howard Johnson in Mobile AL sucks, vacation | | #

Saturday night we met Dayle ’s family at a big bowling alley/playzone type place. It was super nice to get out of the house for awhile and visit with them. I think if Sweety and I had sat in the living room, watching each other, for much longer that we’d have started sparring. A little cabin fevery up in here.

So, the coaew was bitching about when we leave to go on vacation. (I’d planned on leaving on tonight after work and she wanted me to wait til Wednesday) As a bit of extra Chickiemeanness, I’m leaving midday today. If she’d have kept her yap shut, I’d have waited til tonight but got to thinking of HOW can I fuck her day up more and make it work for me? Oh, I know! I’ll take a half day of vacation on Tuesday and let the boys know that we will leave on our trip as soon as they get to our house. I’m evil like that.

And by leaving a half day earlier, the boys and I are able to stop and do the fun things they want to do on our way to Oklahoma AND I’m able to pick up my niece so she can spend the week with us. I have to get to Oklahoma with a couple of stops to pick up my niece and then go to Texas and pick up Sweety when he flies in on Friday. If we left Tuesday night or Wednesday morning, we’d hurry through and get to my niece’s house without any fun stuff.

I have decided that BB will not be driving on any of the trip. I know he’s a good driver (sayeth Sweety) but my nerves just can’t handle it. It will be less stressful for me to do all the driving. Maybe next year.

22 DAYS! I’m off for the next 22 days! Wootie woot!

15 Comments | In: vacation | | #

The recent trip to Reno and Vegas? The only redeeming things about it were meeting Margaret and Gina.

It was the Man’s birthday and Margaret’s family came to Reno and met me for supper. The boys showed off their fishing gear and were so cute and well-mannered that I couldn’t quit watching them.

Maybe I have a touch of baby fever.

And the next night I met Gina. We had some awesome food at a little casino and then went to watch Sweety bowl. Gina was tired.

I was tired too but I know if I fall asleep in a public place that Sweety will mess with me so I stayed awake. I’ve come to realize that bowling isn’t the most interesting thing to watch if you aren’t playing.

The majority of the trip was spent toting around a guy that came by himself and had to zoom in on every thing that we wanted to do. He smelled like he’d never seen the business end of a bar of soap and made me want to stab my eyes out. I blame him for my tequila drinking at 10 a.m. It was the only way I could cope because I’d been forbidden from telling him to take a fucking bath.

I told Sweety that we will NEVER EVER AGAIN go somewhere with a group of people to split the cost of a rental car. Next time, we will rent a tiny car that only has 2 seats.

It wasn’t really a vacation. It was like I lost a week of my life. Then when we got home? I got to work for six days in a row to make up for some of the days I’d been off. So I really lost 2 weeks of life. I’m just starting to feel normal (normal. Ha!) now.

Oh, people! I let BB drive me for the first time the other day! I thought I was having a heart attack but I lived. He’d never driven my car either (it’s the same kind as Sweety’s, just a different year) so it was exciting. I’d thought that maybe he would drive some when we go to Oklahoma in a couple of weeks but I now know that there is no way that I could sit in the passenger seat while he zooms down the interstate at 70 mph. 35 mph almost did me in. He’s a good driver but I had a huge issue with putting my life in his hands. I can’t get him to pick up his dirty clothes consistently but he’s driving? I remember when he was little and looked like a puppy! Where has the time gone?

10 Comments | In: randomness, vacation | | #

What I spoke of in the last post, about having to move the day I go on vacation to suit the coaew? Still hasn’t been decided. When I tell Sweety that I’m going on the day that I originally planned on he gets all grouchy and tells me I need to let go of the hate. Whatever. Someone has to hold the hate. May as well be me.

Last Wednesday we went to Reno and then on to Las Vegas on Friday. Sweety is in a bowling tournament in Reno but we flew into Vegas because the flights were cheaper and we had to rent a car anyway. And we got our rooms in Vegas super cheap ($1 for one night and $15 for the other! We stayed at the Sahara. Some of the reviews were bad but I thought it was just fine for a buck. There were no bugs, mold or crunchy stuff in my bed.).

Thursday morning we got up and played some dollar Blackjack. I played for almost an hour and lost $8. And 4 of that tipped the dealer and waitress. An okay way to spend an hour. :)

Then we went to the little bar there that had $1 shots and hot dogs. Suwheet bebby hayzeus. I got tore up from the floor up. The shots were in these tiny little glasses and I laughed when I saw them. But then it tasted like paint thinner and bleached my teeth while getting me drunk.

I also had an epiphany while drinking – you know how Tiny Dog likes to drink beer but we don’t let her have it since it might kill her and all? O’Doul’s. I’m gonna give that bitch some unalcoholic beer the next time we’re drinking and see if she drinks it. If she does NOT drink it then that means she really is drinking for the alcohol and is smarter than I give her credit for. And if she does drink it then I’ve found a new way to keep The Queen happy.

After filling up on dollar shots and hotdogs we moseyed over to the Nascar Cafe. Where they have a 6 pound burrito. A friend and I thought it would be a good idea to give it a go. I truly believed I could eat a 6 pound burrito. I was sadly mistaken as was he. They make you eat at a special table at the front of the restaurant. People were stopping to take photos and talk to us. I don’t even like people to look at me while eating so it was hard to stuff my face while people took photos.

After the 90 minutes was up and we hadn’t finished, they gave us pink t-shirts that said “Weenie” on the front and took our photo for the wall of shame. Then I power puked and passed out. A passerby saw my plate of burrito butts (I cut off then ends to eat them last & had put them on a separate plate) and asked if she could have them. I’m glad that someone was able to truly enjoy the burrito.

I guess if you’re gonna eat something the size of a baby, it shouldn’t be a spur of the moment decision. You need to train for that shit.

21 Comments | In: vacation, woot! | | #