But then, she got my attention.

He had something like 3000 pumpkin pies!

Thinking to myself: mmmm…pumpkin pies…wish I had one.Oh, that sounds good! I’d like one right now.

Mom looks at me warily.

Okay, maybe half a one. I like pumpkin pie!

Pumpkin pie?!

Uh, yeah. Isn’t that what we’re talking about? He had 3000 pumpkin pies made?

No! Women! He had 3000 women!

Ooooo…concubines? Not pumpkin pies?

Yes.

Oh. Nevermind. I don’t want one.

Actually, I would love one.

I’d take her home and have her clean the house but Mama wouldn’t have liked hearing that.

Yeah. That’s me sucking an imaginary bag of dicks. That’s about how useful I’ve been lately. I have a metric ton of stuff to blog about but a hard time getting it on here. That trip to Bekah’s four months ago? Yeah, that’s in my noggin. An awesome early gift that Sweety got me for our 10th anniversary? A kick-ass baby blanket someone made? Yes and yes. These things are all banging around in my head.

Oh. Speaking of these things reminds me that I have stuff that needs to be mailed. I dub NEXT Wednesday “get your ass to the post office day”. Let it be written. Let it be known.

And we found out what flavor the Bean is today! A girl! Yay! I’m so pleased. We’re going to name her Sunny, after my Mom.

On the 3rd of this month we took off on a road trip to see Sweety’s Mom in Massachusetts and we got home on the 13th.

We stopped along the way and visited Mount Vernon. There I learned that the Bowling Green wasn’t a nicely groomed lawn where George Washington entertained guests with some version of lawn bowling.

We spent a couple of days at Sweety’s father’s house. That was interesting. I was educated on the fact that I’ve been making sandwiches incorrectly. Apparently, you shouldn’t put mustard on the bread – you should put it on the meat. The look I got from my FIL as I continued to make my sandwich wrong was priceless. And what did the boys say after coming back from their canoeing trip with dear old grandpa? “Wow. We didn’t know grandpa was so racist.” Yes, boys…have an undiluted peeky-poo at grandpa. He’s a gem, eh? There’s a reason that Sweety speaks to him approximately once a year. He was even nice enough to ask if I was pregnant on purpose.

Sweety’s Mom took me maternity clothes shopping! It was great because I just got naked in the dressing room and Sweety ferried clothing back to me to try on. I was planning on just buying a bunch of giant men’s t-shirts to wear but I have to admit, I look better with clothes that fit. When we were visiting her, the boys stayed with her and her husband and Sweety and I were in a hotel. It was nice to be alone. Sweety learned that he can watch sports for two hours while I check out porn on my phone and then I will snap him in half after the lights go out. A good time was had by all.

Bwahahahahaha! I just got off the phone with Sweety and he relayed the following conversation to me. BB went to visit his girlfriend at her house for the first time today.

So, did you kiss her?

BB just smiles.

You did.

Yeah.

How do you know what to do? Do you practice or something?

I’m the master. I take notes.

Huh? How are you the master?

I’ve been watching you and Anna. You kiss whenever you see each other and when you say goodbye. So I figure that’s the thing to do.

I am now desperately hoping that BB didn’t lay one on the girl in front of her mother as he was entering and exiting the house. I’m afraid to ask.

What are you doing?

It’s called The Armadillo. I’m practicing.

Practicing for what?

If someone starts to attack you, you drop to the ground and do this.

*insert niece repeating The Armadillo*

Oh, no. If someone really attacks you – you need to punch them in the head or something. Don’t roll around while they kick you.

Aunt Anna, I can’t do that. It hurts my heart when I hurt someone else. Even if they’re being mean.

Tell you what, kid. If you’re ever attacked…fight back…escape…let your heart hurt and I’ll pay for your therapy to fix it later.

*insert niece flopping back on the floor to practice The Armadillo*

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I’ll read/reply to previous post comments later when I’m at a computer that’s not in the boonies. My Mom’s internet connections won’t open the comments page to even read them.

My Mom has chickens. Chickens that will eat anything, including meat. That is just creepy. When we go outside, I’m always watching to see if the chickens are loose and do I need to run. I warned Mom that she better watch out – she may go out there to sprinkle corn on the ground and they might rush her just to knock her to the ground and eat her alive.

After Sweety and the boys go home next Monday, my niece is going to stay with me an extra week while I run around Texas visiting friends. Yay! I’ll take her home on Friday and I’ll get to see her compete in a swim meet on Saturday. I haven’t seen her swim yet and I’m excited to see that.

And my nieces and nephews will finally all get to meet! Normally, I see Sylvie for a week and then visit my niece and nephew in TX the next week after I’ve dropped her off. They’ve always been curious about each other so that will be cool too.

Well, hell. Sweety is giving me grief about falling off my diet and eating Mexican food today and I told him earlier that I’d go for a fucking walk. It’s hot out there, people. I don’t want to go. But if I don’t, he’s going to walk around chanting “loser”. Better go find my sneakers.

We left the house around 4 p.m. on Tuesday and got to Mobile, Alabama at around 11 p.m. It turned out the Howard Johnson in Mobile, AL was NOT what I’d expected. It is now called the Emerald Palms and was a rattrap. I didn’t see any rats there but they may have been cleverly concealed in the filthy carpet.

After I checked in, a couple followed me out the lobby to my car and the guy was saying something. My instinct was to tell him to get away from me but I was afraid he’d follow us to our room and kill us. Or something. So I deciphered his mumblings and told him that I would rather not take the cash he wanted to give me and go buy him a cigar. I have no idea why he was looking for someone to complete this task because he was clearly old enough to buy tobacco.

As we were getting our stuff out of the car, LB was being an ass dawdling because it was pissing off BB. BB said something to him about hurrying up and he visibly slowed while getting his things. I told him it would be nice if he’d hurry up before BB and I were stabbed to death in front of him by Cigar Man and he got the hell out of the car before I took another breath.

This was the first hotel that I’ve ever stayed in that I felt the need to move large furniture against the hotel door. If I hadn’t been so tired, had a lick of sense and it hadn’t been so late – I’d have taken the boys elsewhere for the few hours sleep we were going to get. And of course, the free full breakfast was not so. It was a couple of plastic bins of cereal that was being guarded by a surly hotel worker as she wiped down the counter. We went to Burger King for breakfast instead.

The boys and I decided that we’re going to hit New Orleans next year as our halfway point on our way to Oklahoma and we will be sure to stay somewhere pleasant.