Last Wednesday we went to Reno and then on to Las Vegas on Friday. Sweety is in a bowling tournament in Reno but we flew into Vegas because the flights were cheaper and we had to rent a car anyway. And we got our rooms in Vegas super cheap ($1 for one night and $15 for the other! We stayed at the Sahara. Some of the reviews were bad but I thought it was just fine for a buck. There were no bugs, mold or crunchy stuff in my bed.).

Thursday morning we got up and played some dollar Blackjack. I played for almost an hour and lost $8. And 4 of that tipped the dealer and waitress. An okay way to spend an hour. :)

Then we went to the little bar there that had $1 shots and hot dogs. Suwheet bebby hayzeus. I got tore up from the floor up. The shots were in these tiny little glasses and I laughed when I saw them. But then it tasted like paint thinner and bleached my teeth while getting me drunk.

I also had an epiphany while drinking – you know how Tiny Dog likes to drink beer but we don’t let her have it since it might kill her and all? O’Doul’s. I’m gonna give that bitch some unalcoholic beer the next time we’re drinking and see if she drinks it. If she does NOT drink it then that means she really is drinking for the alcohol and is smarter than I give her credit for. And if she does drink it then I’ve found a new way to keep The Queen happy.

After filling up on dollar shots and hotdogs we moseyed over to the Nascar Cafe. Where they have a 6 pound burrito. A friend and I thought it would be a good idea to give it a go. I truly believed I could eat a 6 pound burrito. I was sadly mistaken as was he. They make you eat at a special table at the front of the restaurant. People were stopping to take photos and talk to us. I don’t even like people to look at me while eating so it was hard to stuff my face while people took photos.

After the 90 minutes was up and we hadn’t finished, they gave us pink t-shirts that said “Weenie” on the front and took our photo for the wall of shame. Then I power puked and passed out. A passerby saw my plate of burrito butts (I cut off then ends to eat them last & had put them on a separate plate) and asked if she could have them. I’m glad that someone was able to truly enjoy the burrito.

I guess if you’re gonna eat something the size of a baby, it shouldn’t be a spur of the moment decision. You need to train for that shit.

To the Hoover Dam!

And the Grand Canyon! (The Grand Canyon scared the shit out of me, by the way. Too big!)

It was cold so I wore it over a sweatshirt one night. I swear that I heard people talking about it as I walked past.

We had quite a time and I have lots more to show and tell you about! I have to get rested up from vacation and sort through photos first though.

You know those sliding glass doors that people have leading out to their patios? Some little kid crashed through one of those last night. The kids were playing tag or something and another kid decided to close the door as the other one was hauling ass towards it. He ran straight through it and luckily didn’t get hurt at all. I have never seen such. A vacuum gave its life while cleaning up the mess.

I also discovered the best place to pass out rest (Resting! I was just resting!) if you are at a party where children are present. Wait til some kids crawl off to sleep somewhere and weasel your way onto the bed too. Nobody will really bother you because they don’t want to risk waking the children. Drinking makes me sneaky and smart! Sometimes. The other times it makes me puke.

Here is my favorite photo from when Bekah and Sam were here. Sam’s the kid in the striped shirt with her back to the camera. She was jumping up and down. All of the little kids lost their freaking minds when the band started playing. It was so cute that my uterus twinged the whole time. I wanted to steal a kid. Any of those kids.

May 2010 have you jumping for joy on a regular basis!

Merry Christmas!

To put it mildly. I am fucking pissed. Kind of makes me wished I’d jumped on the baby bandwagon so our family would be “equal” to hers.

Sweety had called her to work out what time he’d get them Christmas Eve night or if she was bringing them over when she made the announcement. He tried to talk to her but ended up getting pissed off, telling her “whatever” and hanging up while she was still yammering away.

When he first told me I just started to cry. She gets them on Thanksgiving and we do on Christmas. This is just how it’s been. She hadn’t told the boys about it because BB asked me today where they’ll be Christmas Eve (for some reason, he asks me this every. single. year. and I always tell him, “Here!” and he says, “Just checking.”.) and when I said, “Your mother’s house.” he gave me a sideways look. So I elaborated with, “She’s bringing you here Christmas morning or day or whenever it is she feels like it. Wasn’t my idea and I’m not a fan.” And he said, “Okay.” and shuffled on out of the room.

This is the only time I’ve ever said anything in front of him that would be taken negatively about his mother but I just couldn’t hold my tongue. Sue me.

Anyhoo. In INSANELY HAPPY NEWS!

Bekah (don’t let the sign-in scare you! sign-in and check out her adorable photos.) and her daughter Sam (aka The Artist) are coming to see me! The weekend before Christmas! I won two parkhopper tickets to visit The Mouse and Sweety was going to go with me but he can’t because of bowling obligations. I won them back in the summer and we’ve been meaning to go and just keep putting it off and the tickets expire at the end of this year. So Bekah and Sam are coming and Sweety is being an awesome guy and buying us two more passes so we can go two days! Yay! Sam isn’t three yet so she’s freeeeeeee! I like me some free.

Tiny Sammy hugs!

Very excited. I am very excited!

And!

My Mom, sister and fantastic niece are arriving on Christmas Eve! They will be staying until January first or second! I can’t wait to see my niece and tell her bedtime stories and hug on her! I love my niece more than I like to breathe. She is an awesomely odd human being.

See this? This is one of Bekah’s hedgehogs all decked out for Christmas.

Now, it is nice and festive but do you know what I think when I look at it?

Hedgehog coochie!!!

I’d like to gently poke it with a pencil eraser.

When I’m somewhere high – I want to jump. Luckily, the railing was too high and I couldn’t get my leg up over it. I did notice that it would be easy to flip Sweety over it because he was so much taller than it. I shared that with him and he made sure to stay at least an arm’s length away from me til we had descended far enough that he would survive the fall.

Anyhoo.

This got me to thinking…

If you were falling to your death? What would you holler if you had to say something besides screaming your guts out? Sweety and I talked about it for several flights of stairs and couldn’t think of anything suitable at that time. But upon reflection, I think I’d go out screeching as much of “the ants go marching one by one” song (well, the part that I sing. I really like the “hurrah! hurrah!” part.) that I could get out. That song is always in my head like background music.

What would you say?

The boys stayed with their grandparents and Sweety’s mother was nice enough to get us a room at a hotel. (And, I was fixing to link to it and just remembered that she has friends that work there. I would not want for someone to see that backlink and have her show up here.) The place had two giant waterslides and I did not bring a swimsuit because I didn’t even know where we were staying. I was just along for the ride.

Guess what? The cough that has kept me from sleeping in the same room with Sweety since mid-August? It diminished enough that I was not an annoyance to Sweety and we were able to sleep in the same room!

And we have ever since we got back! (Um, except for that one night when I gave him a really bad titty-twister because he tried to bearhug me after he’d farted and the titty-twister hurt so bad that he broke things. That night I plotted revenge slept on the couch. With one eye open. I’ll have to video blog that little story because it’s too much to type but is really worth hearing.)

Sweety and I did lots of sightseeing during the day and then met up with everyone else for supper. One of the places we went to was Pilgrim Monument. We climbed to the top. Well, Sweety climbed and I kind of huffed and puffed. At one point I got a little ahead of Sweety and thought I’d scare him. It didn’t work and he asked me to crouch back down so he could take a photo. I obliged but didn’t realize that he was taking a video instead.

Don’t you just LOVE that look on my face at the end?

And here I am on the way down from the top of the tower. I was very, very, very happy to be climbing down the stairs instead of up them.

I was pretending to be a robot soldier.

We discovered that Sweety could actually take the ramps down in two hops.

When the monument was being built, I doubt they expected it to be used in such a manner.

And if all of that wasn’t enough for you – you can see all the photos here.

It’s okay to punch a gorilla or orangutan but leave the sweet monkeys alone. Look at this little guy. Can you imagine how heartless you’d have to be to give him a whack? Bad people punch monkeys. Don’t be one.

This fantastic bit of vinyl goodness was created by Heather at 212 Degree Designs. I told her my idea and she made it real! If you want to decorate your space or ride she can make it happen! I’ve discovered that I like sticking vinyl on things almost as much as getting a new tattoo. I was immediately giddy after putting this on the car.

I almost put this on my desk at work because I always need a laugh there but figured I will have the car long after that job. I hope. Oh, how I hope!

Big credit to Amy for alerting me to the fact that there are monkey punchers out there! I think you can see them better after a glass or wine or ten. And if you don’t follow us on Facebook then this whole thing probably doesn’t make a lot of sense.

Donate to see all of the goods!

I plugged the address into my GPS and we took off on a two hour drive. And ended up at a house next to the beach that looked like it was on the outskirts of the Twilight Zone. I fully expected an old blind lady to come out of the house, swinging a hatchet as I was trying to look up the correct location. (Note to self: When lost – go on and park somewhere that looks halfway safe before devoting attention to finding directions.) Luckily, my friend was able to get directions using her phone and we arrived right on time at the correct place.

He was totally fucking awesome. There wasn’t a giant crowd of people there so it was easy to watch him with my stalkercrazy eyes hear and see him.

See?

I don’t think I’m normally that gawk-eyed but the angle I was looking at the camera was weird. I didn’t REALLY look that crazy. I hope. Wait…maybe I did? I blame the beer and the one shot of bad tequila. Just a shot of tequila and I feel like I’ve been dipped in glitter. Sweaty glitter.

Have you ever had your face hurt from smiling so much? Well, the reverse happened to me. I wanted to grin like a fool for 4.5 hours but was afraid that I looked like a lunatic so I tried to rein it in. It was hard work to keep the happy-crazy reeled in.

We got to hear about his trip so far and when new things will be coming out. I also learned that he still uses the 1st generation iPhone. I thought I was the only person left holding out on the upgrade.

He signed all of my books! When I’m a fanatic – I’m a fanatic. I made it my mission over the past several weeks to search out all of his books that have been printed and I toted them up there.

Oh! Maybe I was “sick” yesterday *cough* *cough* and didn’t go to work. But I got this cool shirt that I want to wear to work.

See the dates? Yeah, I was there yesterday on 9/22 but asked if he’d sign it by 9/23 so it wouldn’t look like I played hooky from work to see him. (Today, the 23rd is my normal day off.) He was nice enough to do that and even put an asterisk beside it to highlight the date. Heh.

I am such a dork.