Wednesday, December 21, 2011
First World Problems
I’ve mentioned that my sister joined the Army. She is going to be stationed in Germany as of January 2. She also just divorced and since she will be taking my niece alone to Germany, it was decided that Sylvie would stay with us until my sister gets settled in over there.
Sister is here visiting and one of the things she was going to do was get Sylvie’s passport so she can travel. She can’t though because I lost the kid’s damned birth certificate. I needed it to enroll her in school and after doing so, I put it up in a very safe, very secret place and it won’t come out of hiding.
I realized it was lost yesterday. So we have to order another one and then I’ll take her to get the passport later.
Tearing the house up after having bad dreams where I vomited because I couldn’t find the birth certificate was how I started yesterday.
After giving up the hunt for the document and ordering a new one, I decided to tote Bean to the mall with me to do a tiny bit of Christmas shopping. Since I was trying to maximize my time out and about (and take advantage of the sleeping baby) I took the toll road because I saw that there was a quarter in my truck and I never carry cash. So it was a sign to take the toll road! Except it was a bad quarter and the machine didn’t count it so the state of Florida thinks I ran the toll. Hope I don’t get a ticket in the mail.
Bean started to wake up as I got to the mall and I decided to feed her in the truck before going in. Usually, I park somewhere out of the was so everyone isn’t subjected to viewing my giant tit as she dines but the parking lot was too crowded. I figured if someone peeked in and was scarred for life that it wasn’t my problem. She finished eating and promptly spits up like a geyser. No worries! I have another outfit for her! As I pick her up to change her, I realize that she’s had a diaper blowout and there is a nice layer of babyshit down her side. I’m using cloth diapers at home for the most part, but paper diapers when we go out for now and the box of paper diapers that I bought were crappy diapers. I didn’t like them to begin with and as I surveyed the damage from Bean’s Shitpocalypse I was thinking, “I should go home and throw the rest of these damned diapers away! They suck! Geez, there are babies in some places that would love a bunch of clean diapers…and here you are cursing yours over a little blowout.” And then I started to cry because I’m spoiled. And crazy.
I’m starting to think that the trip to the mall was not a good idea but since I’m already there we go on in.
Have I told you yet that I’m walking around all of the time feeling frazzled as hell? I can’t remember if I told you because I can’t remember shit! I bought food at the drive-thru the other day and drove away without the food.
After finishing feeding the Bean, I walk approximately eleventy-billion miles in a circle while I wait for her to go to sleep. Usually, she goes to sleep after eating around that time of the day but not yesterday. So I kept walking and thought more on how the trip was not a good idea. I also came to the realization that when you have a baby to tote around that there is no more just popping in and out of the store.
After I’d been there a bit, I meet up with my sister and niece. Some of the things I want to buy are stocking stuffers for Sylvie and the store where they are found is packed. Sister and niece need to go to another store (JC Penney…not a tiny store…) and I tell them that I’ll meet them there. But, hey sister! Since I just fed Bean – you can push her down to JC Penney while I duck into this crowded store and I’ll meet you there!
As I was checking out of the store that I had ducked into, I realized that not only did my sister have Bean – my cell phone was in the stroller and I had no idea where in JC Penney I would find them. I did not panic. I remembered that they were going to look for bras. I would find them in the underwear section!
Not.
I spent what felt like HOURS manically wandering the store (maybe it was only 30 minutes or so) and having them paged to no avail. At this point I’m imagining that someone has kidnapped all of them and not only was I going to have to tell Sweety that I lost the baby – I was going to have to tell my Mom that I lost her daughter and grandchildren. This is when I started feeling really hot and things started to wobble around me like I needed to puke and faint.
My last resort was to call Sweety and have him call my phone so he could tell them where to meet me. Except they didn’t answer my phone. I called him from someone’s office phone there. I was wandering around the back offices of the store to find a phone to use and when I found a lady there and she asked me why I needed the phone? I started to cry like a fucking lunatic. When later told Sweety that I wept like a loon all he was horrified that I lost my shit in such a manner.
I had them paged again but asked the person paging them to be loud about it so they could hear. Thirty seconds after paging, my sister comes wheeling up carrying Bean. My sister commented that I looked a little off. I babbled to her about the big adventure that I’d just been on in my own head and she asked me where did I think they’d go. Then I told her the kidnapping scenario. She looked at me like I was a live hand grenade. I asked her if she’d heard my phone ring and she had but they didn’t answer it because they didn’t want to tell Sweety that they had the baby and my phone and didn’t know exactly where I was. Yeah.
Then I wheeled off with Bean and came home.
Bekah was here at the beginning of the month and took some photos for us! You can see them here.
I have more to say but see that this had gone on long enough.
